27th May 2020 at 6:52 pm #104476
I’ve spoken to a few people including my lawyer about what’s been going on since the lockdown regarding the children and my ex. He has shown unequivocally that he isn’t interested in the children. It really puts into the spotlight all the time he was trying to get the children taken away from me. He worked incredibly hard on that one and the effects have been devastating. I’ve been keeping a diary of his behaviour since the lockdown and been weighing up reporting it all to the police. Although I have ample evidence of his lying and behaviour, I really don’t want to weigh them down when there are so many women and children in very real current danger. I would like his behaviour to be recorded though. I am afraid of not being taken seriously and mostly not being believed.
27th May 2020 at 7:19 pm #104478Wants To HelpParticipant
If you report this to the Police you will be taken seriously and they will look at the evidence you have and what offences your abuser has committed. Please be aware though that you cannot report things to the Police just for ‘information’ and to have something logged. Clearly, they will log what you report, but first and foremost they are a law enforcement agency, so if the Police deem that the information you are reporting amount to criminal offences they are bound by policy to take ‘positive action’ and this will usually be by way of arrest. They can/will arrest for historical offences, so for instance, if you were to call the Police today due to a really bad argument, but then disclose he has assaulted you in the past, they will arrest him for the assault in the past in order to get him away from you today. They will ask you a series of at least 27 questions about his past behaviour, this is known as a Domestic Abusive Stalking/Harassment Risk Assessment (DASH) and this is where you have the opportunity to disclose previous assaults, sexual assaults and behaviours. The Police will do the arrest even if its not what you want, so I want you to be aware of this up front and know what to expect.
Lots of ladies call the Police for help or advice and then get further upset and distressed when their abuser is arrested, and sometimes issued with an order to exclude them from the home for 28 days. This hasn’t been what they wanted at all and has caused further issues around child care for them etc because they were not expecting their abuser to be arrested.
Please, please call the Police and let them lead the way forward if that is how you feel this needs to progress. Do not underestimate the danger you may be in. You know what he is capable of. Your diaries will be part of your evidence and I should imagine there will be a lot of information that will justify and arrest for Coercive and Controlling Behaviour. I’ve known many ladies underplay their situation when in reality they are in very real danger. So many ladies in terrible situations always feel that someone else deserves help more.
27th May 2020 at 8:36 pm #104487LisaMain Moderator
I just wanted to show you some support, I can see that you have already had a supportive reply from Wants To Help.
I know you are worried about reporting, I just wanted to clarify that we would encourage survivors to report to the police. There are situations where you can just log events with the police so they are on file and not take them further. You could always speak to your local domestic abuse service https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ and they could help you to speak to the police. There are domestic abuse units within the police who can inform you of their procedure if you wanted to report or log information.
Take care and keep posting,
27th May 2020 at 9:05 pm #104490
Thank you as always, Lisa!
I have been told by so many people that what has happened to me is particularly bad I don’t want it to happen to anyone else. The evidence is mounting. Want to Help, I’ve PM’d you!
28th May 2020 at 4:37 am #104503TickleribberParticipant
It’s also worth reporting to a GP, they will also log bad behaviour which is affecting you whether it’s illegal or not, can be helpful down the line.
Of course your doctor has a duty of care towards you so even if you don’t want treatment it’s a source of support and a way of recording what’s happening.
30th May 2020 at 8:26 am #104688CeruleanParticipant
On one occasion I have called the police and two male officers arrived within minutes, I met them at the door and explained he had tried to throttle me. They separated us, me in the kitchen downstairs and he in a living room (detail removed by moderator). I was terrified about what he was telling them as they kept leaving me on my own and going (detail removed by moderator). One officer took my statement, read it back to me and asked me to sign it. He told me your husband wants to be arrested, which confused me, so I refused to bring charges so he could be, telling them just to tell him off that he couldn’t do that to me. This happened a few years back.
Before the police incident, out of the blue when he was on a bottle of (detail removed by moderator) a day, I went through (detail removed by moderator) or longer of him punching me in the face. I worked full time then in a large company and although I would regularly go into work with facial bruises only one man said ‘Did you walk into a door?’ I just starred back at him.
Because I am mentally ill and have been for (detail removed by moderator), I have been sectioned (detail removed by moderator), he now tells people I am lying about the physical abuse, that it never happened but that doesn’t change the fact that I no longer fully trust him. I have no where to go, (detail removed by moderator) I reported him again, the police came out and left me at a friends house waiting for the local woman’s refuge to arrive but they didn’t. In the end my sister came but no one would allow me to stay at their house overnight, so in the end many hours later I went home.
On reading the previous replies, I wonder who will have records or as we are going through a peaceful period I should let sleeping dogs lie and do nothing?
30th May 2020 at 10:25 am #104701White RoseParticipant
Hi Maddog, things are still bad by the sound of it.
If you are worried for your immediate safety and that of your children then calling the Police is a no brainer, also if it’s harassment
Another option if you feel the children are coming to harm (or at risk of it) either physically or emotionally then children’s social care, NSPCC, GP would be a good way of flagging it up a d potentially putting in motion something to stop him. If you’ve got evidence then that’s even better.
Take care and keep safe xx
30th May 2020 at 5:59 pm #104712
Because my ex is now my ex and no longer lives with me, it’s not a crime to lie to the police, his solicitor, the courts… There is nothing criminal in his co-ercive behaviour because we don’t share a house or a relationship.
It’s a civil matter. Kerching, perching ££££. Help available only to people with deep pockets.
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