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Hi! I’m new here, and have just realised that my username could have multiple meanings! The one I meant is that I’m proud of the steps I’ve taken to get myself out of an abusive relationship.
So I finally managed to get out of a really tricky situation about (detail removed by Moderator) ago (I’ll post the full back story below because I appreciate that some people might need to not see the details if they’re having a tough time too). Since then friends and family have commented on how I’m already starting to seem like me. Now that’s partly a front I can put on, and I’m still struggling with a lot of issues mentally. The feeling that he owns me and I need his permission to do anything is still very much there, as well as a general lack of confidence in myself.
One friend who knows the full picture has recommended I try to seek counselling, but has anyone done this? I don’t know how to go about it – I don’t have the funds to be able to pay for it. If it’s not possible, has anyone used any free alternatives that they could recommend?
Thanks a bundle 🙂 x*x
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The back story
So my ex and I used to work together and became closer around (detail removed by Moderator) years ago when working (detail removed by Moderator). I knew he had a bit of a temper but didn’t really give it much thought- we all get frustrated sometimes right? And people show it in different ways.
So one thing led to another and we ended up in a relationship. Things were ok at first. He got angry quite easily about little things, but apologised afterwards and started seeing a counsellor to address it. Fast forward a few months and he stops seeing the counsellor. His anger got worse. He never physically hurt me but was very angry, shouted at me, hit the walls/furniture etc. He started using phrases like “if you really loved me you’d…” and “if you cared about my needs you would…”. He blamed his anger on his anxiety and depression, and said that he needed me to love and respect him etc etc.
By that point I think he already had a lot of power over me but I didn’t realise it at the time. Over the (detail removed by Moderator) he started asking me to do things in the bedroom that I hated, he bought me clothes (some more normal, some that were latex type outfits) and got me to walk around the house or sometimes public in them. As time went on, the things he bought and did got more and more out of my comfort zone and he made me have sex with his friend, but then got angry all-out it afterwards, saying I shouldn’t have gone through with it.
During all this time he would get angry with me overt smaller and smaller issues. The underwear I was wearing, the food I had in the freezer (he had moved in with me by this point), the fact that I walked from the car to the house before him. I ended up feeling like I needed his permission for everything I did, and that I was his possession. All the while he’d say I wasn’t good enough, wasn’t meeting his needs, he called me fat and a w***e, that sort of thing.
About (detail removed by Moderator) months ago I started to realise that it wasn’t a healthy relationship and that I needed to get out, but I still loved him and didn’t want to hurt him. He had said previously that if he ever lost me he’d kill himself. Just after coming to that realisation, however, his mum was diagnosed with (detail removed by Moderator) (which I was obviously upset about but my mental health was rapidly deteriorating to the point of crying at work almost daily). A while later I talked to him about how unhappy I was and he called me all sorts of names, saying I was selfish, heartless, a callous b***h, etc etc.
I didn’t really know what to do. Things carried on as they always had, him pressuring to do things more than ever to help him cope with his mum’s illness. Eventually I opened up to a colleague, who told me that I needed to get out. One day after work I plucked up the courage to tell him I didn’t want to be with him. He called me more names, ranted on Facebook and at work to mutual colleagues, trashed my house. Said that I was kicking him out on the street and that he might do something stupid but that I wouldn’t care etc.
That was (detail removed by Moderator) weeks ago. For the most part things have been ok. He’s phoned me up to shout at me and call me names, to cry until I said I’d take him back, he turned up at the door a few times, and he messaged asking me to let him see me in all the clothes he had bought me. He told me he was a changed man and I needed to take him back. But I’m free, and I’m kind of doing ok.
I just can’t escape the feelings of guilt and of needing his permission. He told me that if I respected our relationship I wouldn’t date for at least (detail removed by Moderator) months, whereas he already has a new girlfriend. I feel so much like an object. I feel ugly and fat, and so afraid of being used to please the fantasies of someone else. I feel like I need permission from him, and afraid that he’s going to turn up again.
I know many people have experienced worse, but just hoped that by coming here I could get some advice about how to escape him emotionally as well as physically.
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Oh, also, he has a little boy (who is (detail removed by Moderator) now) who he loves dearly, and I did too. Mostly he was a good dad but sometimes he’d get angry at his son too, so I felt like I needed to be there to protect an innocent little child. He was used as blackmail in the end too – “he’s going to grow up knowing what a b***h you are”, “you’re kicking him out on the street too” etc.
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Hi Proudtobeout,
Welcome to the forum. I think going going forward you need to set up no contact boundaries so that you can really start to heal. Don’t give him the opportunity to shout at you or abuse you any further. The guilt is very common, they called it FOG – fear, obligation and guilt. Abusers use pity/victim play all the time to get what they want, don’t believe a word of it, it’s pure and total manipulation. They have complete double standards, which your ex has demonstrated perfectly by getting into a new relationship whilst trying to stop you from dating, total hypocrisy.
Those feelings of needing his permission and fear of seeing him will slowly fade once you go fully no contact. If you maintain any sort of contact at all these use it to get a foot in the door and have some sort of control over you, regardless of who else they are in a relationship. You’re right, they do see us like possessions so we need to remove them from our lives and treat ourselves how we deserve to be treated to regain our self esteem, confidence and trust in ourselves.
I would block his number, start logging any contact he tries in case you need it as evidence later, and ring the helpline for advice. If he turns up at the door, don’t answer or let him in and consider phoning the police. I had to get the police involved to get my abusive ex to stop trying to hoover me back, he tried phone calls, texts, social media, cards relentlessly over months until they warned him to stop harassing me.
Surround yourself with people who make you feel good, treat yourself kindly and keep posting for support.
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The brainwashing that you speak of is hard to wash out. Getting him out of your head is the next step afyer getting him out of your life and can take a long time depending on how much you can convince yourself you are not those things just because HE said them. You know he has many vile and cruel things to say about others too but it doesnt make them true either. The prison they keep you in during their stay stay like prison bars in your head and must be fought to break them down till you really feel free.
Find some good positives in yourself certainly you are kind and caring and considerate to have been so loving to him and you are strong and brave to be out of it. Lock onto those positives and write them on notes to stick on the walls around your bedroom and use them against his voice in your head and keep doing it so you have an answer for all his nastiness thats puts you first for a change.
Heaps of strength to you
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Thank you so much for your support, it means a lot people are rooting for me who really understand where I’m coming from.
The issue I have is that we kind of work together – different teams but we will come across each other occasionally. I love my job so am not willing to quit over this, and don’t want to let him know that he’s won. I’m also finding it hard not having his son in my life – for all intents and purposes we were a family. I worry about him when his dad gets angry.
My few friends who know have been so supportive over this and have been great at telling me how amazing I am, so I’m very lucky in that sense.
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Proudtobeout, well done on being so strong and managing to end this relationship. I really admire your courage. It must be so so hard to have to work with this man. You are doing amazingly.
I just wanted to add that you can access therapy and counselling for free through Womens Aid. Also some councils have a self-referral service or you can go to your GP.
There will probably be a waiting list but for me, specialist DV counselling has been absolutely amazing and completely worth the wait.
I also have read a book recently ‘why does he do that?’ by Lundy Bancroft which I found so helpful and comforting. It is by an american author but most of it is very relevant. The author runs a domestic violence intervention programme and so has a lot of experience of many different types of abusers. I ordered it from Amazon.
Stay strong, you are doing so so well, keep putting yourself first x*x
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