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Haven’t been on here for a while. I moved out out my home (detail removed by moderator) and started a separation with my husband. Have to say this forum was so helpful during and before I moved out. It got me to the point of realising what the abuse was and gave me strength to get out. So thank you EVERYONE. I found a little place for me and my son and made it into a home. And it’s my haven. Calm peaceful, no one shouting, no one questioning me…
The whole time it’s felt like a trial separation but don’t get me wrong I am NEVER going back there until his behaviour stops. My husband was mostly verbally and emotionally abusive he would have these explosions every so often. Those of course have stopped as I am not living there but its definitely still there but in a reduced form I would say. So I don’t really feel like things will get better and I am not contemplating the final step of this NOT being temporary and being permanent and heading for divorce.
The separation really I did it as “temporary” as that was the only way I could get my head around it. Leaving was so hard, you that have done it will know. But now I am seeing it as permanent. Every time I see him its not bad but its not great either. He’s been seeing counsellors and an anger management person etc and sort of facing up to his issues but also not really too. Sometimes he gets why I left and I see some progress, and sometimes he resents me so much and won’t stop asking when I am coming back and why I am doing this. He’s very jealous of me working and always questions who I am working with. I can’t be myself I can’t say how I feel for fear of upsetting him, he’s still controlling, or trying to be.
Anyway the point of my post really was to say I am in such a weird grey area kind of place and I wondered if any of you had been. I am getting to the point where I am sick of dealing with his behaviour and I want to be free but then at the same time very nervous about the next steps of divorce etc. On a practical level, will we be ok, financially etc. He has said before if I divorced him he would destroy me (he has a lot of money) so I am worried about just how bad the divorce could get. And then on the same side I do love him, he has tried with the counselling etc and it does feel very final and heartbreaking…
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My ex threatened me when I said I was involving solicitors.
To me, that points to their control and abuse. They want to keep you in isolation, continuing to abuse, taking advantage, stringing you along, getting their way, then as soon as you involve anyone else or assert your rights or any form of choice, they get aggressive.
That shows the real them- the control, the buried aggression. It shows what they are capable of.
KIP is right: he knows how much he’s got to lose, and is trying to scare you into submission. Don’t let him scare you into walking away with nothing.
He’s using weapons of fear, obligation and guilt to keep you in an unhealthy situation. You feel heartache because you’re a caring person, but we need to protect ourselves first. Unfortunately, divorce does get ugly with these abusers, but all the more reason to enlist the help of legal services as soon as possible. xx
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