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Hi ladies
Well here I am again, 3am and I’m awake and head filled with thoughts about him, the abuse, court, my future. My body has set itself to keep waking up I think.Sometimes I can have a reasonable day but nights are like torture. Still waking up thinking I can hear him breathing next to me, thinking I can hear him coming up the stairs, smell him etc. It’s all ptsd, I know that now but knowing it and overcoming it are very different
Anyone else awake through the night in a pickle?
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I have night terrors waking up at 3.30 in morning him raping me . I have him under my skin at times… doc put me on antidepressants with a sleeping aid in them really helps me so much to move forward . But i still have a long way to go to be fully healed
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Iamfree sorry to hear that my lovely. Does it effect you in the daytime too?
I feel so drained today I have literally sat around watching tv all day. My heads been banging all dayWhy can’t we just be happy now they’ve gone, being left with all this sometimes feels worse than when he was here. Hmm actually no, nothing would be worse than him being here again!
I’ve got to go back to see my GP so I might see if he can help me with it
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Hi malaya it effects me during day the emotional abuse he was giving me hun. Using my weaknesses against me .. i feel so sick at times .. how can someone who u thought loved you was a lie … i trusted him so much and loved a monster. But when i seen his mask slip off i seen the devil .. the snake … but ive been a warrier all my life i will fight this x*x
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Yeah you go warrior girl.
One of the domestic abuse quotes I read somewhere said
” the hardest thing to accept is not that he doesn’t love you anymore, it’s that he never did”.
I believe that too, I was just someone to use, abuse and get a certain status (I can’t explain that anymore for fear of identifying myself)
We are just pawns in their sick games. Well we ain’t playin ‘ no more!
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I’m perfectly aware of what I’m doing. I’m trying to pretend I’m not and I just have a few bits to do, but that’s not the truth. The truth is that I am looking for any excuse to busy myself before I try to sleep. Check my emails, update my Calendar, check my bank statements and write in my diary.
It’s like nightmare on elm street where the girl is scared to go to sleep because she knows Freddie Kruger will enter her dreams. I know at some point, usually around 3am, I’ll wake up crying, sweating or frozen in fear thinking he is next to me or breaking into the house. My ex that is, not Freddie Kruger! It’s actually debatable as to which one would be worse!
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Hi Malaya, it is completely understandable that you would avoid going to sleep. It’s so frightening to experience those things. I find it helps to take some snacks and a flask to bed. Then you can switch the light on, eat and have a comforting warm drink. I try to ground myself in the present by holding onto something solid or putting my feet on the floor. It seems to sort my body’s chemistry out to stop the surge of adrenaline and panic overwhelming me. Have you been able to source any treatment for your PTSD? I hope you do because my symptoms have drastically improved (most of the time!). Sending hugs xx
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Hi pp. thank you for you kindness. I like the grounding idea, I’ll try that. I do take a snack and drink, usually camomile tea and read. When I wake up I tend to read on here and the paper or fiction to lighten my mood. I’ve downloaded an anxiety meditation which I’ll try.
I haven’t been back to the GP. I’ve been told by my one of my professionals that I ve got to ask for mental health assessment as she’s worried about my anxiety and depression. So I can talk to him about it when I go. I don’t know why I haven’t booked the appointment yet, avoidance I expect
I’m so glad you’ve had such improvement, are your dreams/terrors happening less often too?
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Hi Malaya
I’m going though the same awful regular night waking, although it’s great not having him next to me…taking my space & even at night he would agitate, slam doors, to wake me up…never a knowledgin anything the next day & if so, it would be my fault….of course.
I’m finding this very tough, it’s difficult to function knowing he is in complete denial, I know everyone says move on etc, at the mo it’s a up hill struggle. Slowly step by step…I need some peace & support! I can’t be a warrior (though I always am) constantly is almost as traumatic trying to maintain this strength!
I know it will get better, right now it hurts like hell!🙃
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Yes things have improved such a lot for me. It is such a relief. I’ve actually had nightmares and flashbacks all my life. When I was with my ex I would wake up scared and cling to him even though he was the cause of so much of my fear and exacerbating the childhood stuff. Then after I left him my symptoms got worse, especially when I started to deal with it in counselling. I read up a lot on trauma (Bessel van der Kolk, Judith Hermann etc) and found techniques to manage. Plus my current counsellor has helped me achieve great things. So nighttimes are generally good now. I love getting into bed and feeling clean, safe and cosy and, children permitting, I sleep deeply on the whole. Just lately my ex creeping nearer has upped my anxiety levels again and I reverted to some early morning waking and then had that one nightmare which caught me by surprise but that just proves how dangerous even the smallest bit of contact is for our minds. I tell you this to give you hope that things can get better, because I know that when you feel that overwhelming anxiety it doesn’t feel as though it ever will. Healing will come xx
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Pp thank you, it really does give me hope. It shows how much the tiniest bit of contact can affect us. I am in awe of the progress you have made, you are such a strong lady
Cuppa I’m sorry to hear of your struggles. I know exactly what you been about being a warrior all the time, sometimes we actually need to have a good cry and need someone to tell us it’s going to be alright.
We lose the abuser but the effects of the abuse linger a lot longer, I really thought once he had gone I’d be fine. I never realised or imagined that I’d be feeling all this anxiety, nightmares, nausea etc. I keep hoping once court is done I might feel better. It’s like I’m waiting for the final thing to happen and put an end to it all
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