Nightmares

[Aliceinwonderland]

So I was in an abusive relationship for many years and after being separated for what I thought was a reasonable amount of time started dating again. Fast forward a bit and I am now in a proper relationship with a new man who is not remotely similar to my ex. I’m just wondering how long does it take as every little step is frightening to me, I’m scared of getting too involved. He’s been incredibly kind, patient, honest and understanding and he knows I had a tough time in past relationships. We’ve had disagreements and he never angers, raises his voice or calls me names which up until meeting him I thought were normal in a relationship. He encourages me to talk about my feelings and resolve arguments by talking another thing I’m not used to. We had a disagreement over something minor I said which hurt his feelings, that night he stayed over and I dreamt he was punching me in the face, it was so vivid I thought it was real. He didn’t even go to bed angry and woke up smiling and I don’t know if the dream is me being actually scared because he hasn’t kicked off yet or if I’m still processing old traumas from my previous relationship. I’m confused about my feelings for him, and most of the time I know it’s fear of commitment and fear if it becoming like my last relationship as it was me that brought out the worst in my ex. Have any of you had similar thoughts or feelings? In so many ways I’ve moved on but in so many ways I can’t… feel a bit stuck if I’m honest.

[Fudgecake]

Hi Aliceinwonderland,

I think what you’re describing is a normal response post abuse. You’re right to be cautious and it’s natural that you’ll be looking for red flags. I would be the same as you and almost in disbelief that a man could act normal in a relationship. For me that’s kind of hard to imagine. It sounds like you have found a good guy and now you’re fearful of mucking things up by being too cautious due to thinking of the past. I don’t know the history of your past relationship, but I disagree that it was you who brought out the worst in your ex. That was his choice to act the way he did. We can’t force someone to act/do things, they do them because they want to. I think you need to be a bit easier on yourself and enjoy your new relationship for what it is – two people coming together and getting to know one another regardless of the past. Ofc be aware of red flags but it sounds to me like there aren’t any. What is your gut feeling? It’s always good to listen to what your inner voice is saying about him. This is a completely different person from your ex and he responds to you and your worries sensitively, rather than choosing to behave how your ex did.That proves it wasn’t your fault for your ex’s reactions.
Go slowly, get to know each other and enjoy all the fun things together. When times are bad be there for one another – good luck x

[Aliceinwonderland]

Thank you fudgecake for your kind words. You are right I didn’t make my ex do those things, he was an alcoholic. I guess what has happened has made me realise I am not over that. I have also realised I need more time on my own to recover and heal from that.
I can’t offer the love and intimacy to anyone else yet because I’m scared of the position it might put me in. (removed by moderator) years I was on a rollercoaster Where I loved someone so much I forgot to love myself. I have asked for space from my current relationship and I think that’s The best thing for now.
It feels so hard to move on and maybe this is a step back but it’s one my gut feeling is telling me to take right now x*x

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