27th February 2016 at 12:21 pm #10576AloneParticipant
So yesterday I described being triggered by texts. The uneasiness continued into the day, and once at work someone asked me why I was demoted. Knowing I am losing the job soon, and wanting my new life to be one where I am upfront and don’t hide things (as I was forced to do most of my life, and also to be ashamed of myself) I gave the honest answer. I described being bullied (she knew he was a bully, but not to this extent) and she then asked whether I had support throughout it.
Having already been triggered, this broke me down and I told her all about how the bullying lead to me losing my best friends and how none of it makes sense, and so on… I felt like I was going to burst all day, so her asking made it all come out, and I got the usual “you did nothing wrong, there’s no indication of a problem, are you sure you’re being ignored/cut off?” response.
Which meant I came home with my mind full of questions, what happened, why, what did I do, how can I ever trust again, and so forth. Ended up having horrific nightmares, in which the friend in question got back in touch and we resolved things (even in my dreams I know that won’t happen, so it’s not a good reaction), then dreams where he was attacking me in person and online, and dreams where people were telling me all about his great new life and forcing me to watch videos of him having fun. Then he turned into a real monster, a giant taller than a block of flats and was trying to attack me through an upstairs window…
So I woke up crying and just thinking how much I want this to STOP. No one who knows the details can see a reason for him to cut me off, but when I have these PTSD induced nightmares about him, it makes me feel insane and desperate, and I’d cut myself off if I could!! But of course, the nightmares weren’t present when he knew me, so it’s not that.
The majority of the time I am okay, plodding along, doing nothing except work, gym and home. Talking to no one, trying to get used to being a loner, but then when the nightmares are triggered I just can’t cope.
Before anyone suggests GPs or counselling, I am not currently registered with a GP, and start a limited number of counselling sessions in a month or so.
27th February 2016 at 2:31 pm #10591OsieParticipant
I sense a lot of justified anger in your comments. You must feel exhausted. It sounds like you have posted elsewhere on the site with some background. The bully you refer to as the reason for demotion was he your ex as well.if so, this must be a nightmare for you. I have a lot of anger in me to, it’s the injustice of it all and then to end up with not just an emotional feeling of pain but physical pain seems to make matters worse. I have managed to reduce my nightmares by having a hot bath every night before bed and although I was never into reading books I have started. Just be careful what you read though. My PTSD is pretty bad to and I find if I can catch it before it is full flow with holding ice cubes in my hand it stops it straight away. It is the shock of the intense cold that keeps your mind focused on the here and now. Not sure if you are into keep fit but that may help to get rid of some of the adrenaline that is circulating in your body and help keep you calm. I hope this goes some way to help. It is times like this that we all pray for that magic wand.
27th February 2016 at 3:09 pm #10596
Hi Alone, my life is very similar to yours. I also broke down at work yesterday.
I am registered with a GP, but they are useless. They block all attempts for me to receive counselling.
I am still too broken to start a legal battle. One day I will get a no win fee solicitor on them. I wish I could sue so many people, in some charities as well, who do not help but are just there to do placements and are otherwise cold heartless people.
27th February 2016 at 10:11 pm #10648SaharaDParticipant
I won’t lie. Drugs! Prescribed ones. With my GP I try to go every week so the staff get used to me and my issues. I have been on sleeping tablets since being in the refuge. Before my abusive husband’s assault I never had problems sleeping in over 30 years and I was on no medication!
At first I was prescribed zopiclone. It’s quite a strong addictive sleeping tablets. I only took it for about two or three weeks for 2 or 3 times a week. It was an extreme situation, I was exhausted but my brain would not switch off and would torment me all night long. I knew I would collapse at my new job if I didn’t do something quick.
Then after those I went on a sedating antihistamine called hydroxyzine hydrochloride which seemed to do the job twice a week until I suffered more trauma of eviction from the refuge and the council bed and breakfast.
Now for over a year I am on quetiapine, it’s a sedating anti-psychotic mood stabaliser. I take this 1. due to problems sleeping 2. when under stress I loose touch with reality, become paranoid and struggle to maintain a whole personal identity and make decisions good or bad (dreadful stuff but rare) and 3. I was diagnosed with a mood disorder and I do suffer with mood swings and it also helps with anxiety.
It seems to calm my brain down. Even when I’m awake and trying to relax I have problems. So I’m always in a state of heightened arousal. I’ve always been this way even as a child. A terrible worrier. I never slept properly before exams. Now I have even more things to worry about so I can’t switch off.
28th February 2016 at 1:37 am #10663
SaharaD, you need longterm therapy, not drugs. Your brain will calm down again.
The NHS has a funny approach to abused people. They want us all on drugs, they are cheap and shut us up.
I criticize very much that drugs are the first line treatment for abused people.
28th February 2016 at 4:15 am #10666White RoseParticipant
Sometimes medication is needed to stabilise mental health issues. Sahara has said she has been diagnosed with a mood disorder and has episodes where she becomes paranoid. She’s not taking these drugs out if choice but out of necessity.
Her mental health needs medication to treat it just like a diabetic needs insulin to treat their diabetes.
Drugs don’t treat abuse but they help many of us cope while we rebuild the lives our abusers have messed up for us. For many of us they may have saved our lives. I was started on antidepressants by my GP when I got so down that killing myself seemed the only way out. I’ve gone back on them recently this time it was my decision as I recognised i was slipping into severe depression again.
Alone sorry to hijack your thread. I think Mind may be able to offer some support even if you’re not with a GP. Try their help line maybe a chat on the phone while waiting for your counselling may help. Please also try to register with a GP as soon as you can. Funny thing is I’m on here now as I had a very vivid dream woke up sweating and with palpitations as I was so convinced my dream was real and it involved him!
Take care xxxx
28th February 2016 at 11:06 am #10685SaharaDParticipant
I know I need long term therapy.
But the NHS is lacking in resources, capacity and training to help me. I had mental health problems before I met my abusive husband. He just aggravated and intensify the symptoms. I believe that my mental health issues stem from a genetic predisposition (dementia, mood swings, addiction, drug induced psychosis run in my family) as well as childhood trauma of physical and emotional abuse and emotional neglect.
The drugs keep me from doing destructive things. I may self neglect but I don’t self harm. I may cry at home but I don’t cry at work. And I don’t have nightmares every night! I see that as a plus! I’m tired but not exhausted. I’m not tormented by my thoughts continuously. I sit in many support groups where people don’t want to take the medication and often they end up in crisis when they stop taking the medication. So given the choice between trying to live the best life I can on medication (aka coping) and floundering about rudderless in constant turmoil waiting for the NHS/the government/MPs/David Cameron to get their act together and actually give people with mental illness what they deserve, I’ll go with coping.
I see it as if I don’t take the drugs I will hit rock bottom and if I hit rock bottom there is no guarantee that the NHS will be able to help me.
The last thing I want is to sectioned for months or years at a time because the NHS had no capacity to treat me in the community.
28th February 2016 at 4:06 pm #10697
SaharaD, thank you for explaining. Yes, with a genetic condition and childhood trauma things are different. Then drugs are needed.
The most important thing for us is to cope with life. That is the best defeat for the abusers.
I hope you can get therapy though, where you can explore what happened and find successful ways of living with the past trauma. x*x
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