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Police have just told me I don’t hit the criteria and organisations such as WA don’t understand what’s required in a court of law. My relationship was too short. It has to be over a long period of time.
No sexual offence either. I consented. They even questioned why I had an ISVA at all. Gutted.
The University is my only hope now and I don’t trust that. I’m really starting to doubt what happened to me now. They just described the relationship as toxic and that he was a ‘d**k’ and that I’m better off out of it.
I feel like absolutely grovelling to him now as I feel completely responsible for what happened. They said don’t contact him and just heal but this is devastating. I noticed he posted something that implied he was thinking about the girl who he loved and couldn’t get over. He’s also been looking up about love triangles. He’s not even thinking about me at all. I ruined my own relationship and I want to try and go back so badly. I want to fix my relationship so badly. It’s completely all my fault what’s happened. He promised me and I ruined it all.
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Now I know why everyone’s been so strange and shut down around me, even my ISVA. Maybe I am crazy. I’ve just been in a bad relationship. All my evidence means nothing. The messages and voice clips. There’s been no sexual violence, nothing. I’m so dreadfully confused. There must be something really wrong with me as I believed it was coercive control. I even said to my ISVA are you sure that this isn’t just a bad relationship but she said no. What the heck has happened to me? I feel utterly annihilated. Not knowing what to do or where to turn. I feel humiliated. Here I was worrying about the end of my ISVA support and now I’m going to have to say don’t bother. I don’t need it anymore! I am CRUSHED. The officer said not to undermine myself, but quite frankly I’d rather beg than deal with the institutions. It’s one blow after another. Next time I post I’ll probably be on the other side of the justice system :'(
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At the very least there will be something on record about his behaviour with the police. Honestly, I am not surprised that there isn’t enough to prosecute. It’s horrific, but unfortunately the way it often is. I am afraid that I didn’t even report my ex. I was too tired and broken. Women’s aid reassured me that I would be contacted if anything ever came to light with him abusing anyone else – we were together for a number of years and someone would report that we had had been together.
Doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Didn’t mean any of what happened was your fault. Just means that our justice system is insufficient.
You still haven’t ruined his life. Any negative consequences are things he did to himself by treating you as he did.
He wasn’t just toxic. He was abusive. But you were lucky enough to get out early. If that means you can’t get him convicted that seems a small price to pay.
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Hi there sweetheart,
I’m so sorry to hear the police can’t take your case further. But don’t feel this is because they don’t believe you, they have to meet an insanely high standard to get a charge and conviction. So if the evidentiary burden isn’t met, then they can’t take it further. You can always complain and ask for a seniour officer to review it if you feel up to it. Coercive control is a relatively new crime, it’s only been in law for 3½ years so not every police officer will be up to date on it, not every police officer would have ever worked on a coercive control case. Women’s Aid on the other hand are trained on this and has a great understanding of it, but with the justice system it’s sadly not always so easy as to tell our stories and trust they will see the truth. This whole consent thing doesn’t sit right with me. I said no to something my ex would do many times, he did it anyway so I stopped saying no, I was simply too scared of him to say no. But I never said yes. So I wouldn’t say I ever gave consent to what he did to me – I don’t know if the police would agree with me, but even if I had said yes it would have been out of fear for literally my life. How could that be an informed and freely given consent? I wonder if the same wouldn’t apply to you based on what I’ve read of your posts on here, it doesn’t read to me like you were giving consent freely and I don’t recall you ever writing you had said yes to him doing the truly hurtful things he did to you.
Sometimes, they do get away with it, but you told your story and that is something that can always be referred back to when the next victim comes around. Sometimes, we just have to be the first ones to speak out. You spoke out about him sweetheart. It may not feel like it now, but one day you will feel so good about this knowing you stood up for yourself, even if you feel nothing came of it, you stood up for yourself. No one can take that away from you. The police won’t always contact former partners unless given reason to do so. You telling them your story will be on record should another victim come forward. In that case the police may want to talk with you again about it as new evidence has now presented itself and they may find that they now have the evidence to proceed with a charge.
You need to get out of the mindset that it’s either getting him back or getting justice. That’s not all the options you have here. You also have the chance to get yourself back, be the happy mum to your son again. You have the chance to live a life abuse-free. You aren’t to blame for anything here, none of it is your fault and when your brain tells you this, you need to try and train yourself to say “No, it was not my fault. This is not my fault”. It takes time to retrain our brains, but we have to do the work to snap ourselves out of the unhealthy thought processes. I would also listen to the officer’s advice to not undermine yourself. If you keep contacting him, I’m really sorry but that is how it will be viewed and as I’ve said before he has made it clear he wants no contact with you. Begging only plays into his hand and I don’t trust these abusive men to not get their victims into trouble with the law. Allow yourself to let go of him. You need to stop checking his social media to see what he is posting, it’s only hurting you. Nothing good can come of checking up on him, either there will be no posts leading you to wonder what he is up to or you will see posts where you think he is thinking about other women or one day maybe even photos or posts of other women. None of these things will make you feel good. It will only hurt. When the urge comes to check up on him, make a rule for yourself to postpone doing so for 24 hours. Then when 24 hours have passed, postpone it for 24 hours again. And just keep going like that. Then you postpone for a week, then a month and one day I promise you won’t feel the urge to check. No contact starts when we stop checking up on them.
Please try to let go of him x Every time you feel the urge, stop yourself, do something good for yourself instead x Every time you think it’s your fault, tell yourself firmly “No, it’s not my fault” – your brain will catch up x
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Thank you AS x
It sounded like it was because it simply wasn’t long enough. It’s ridiculous when I can evidence all his behaviours. I told them that. It feels like such a defeat. It makes me think there’s no point pursuing it with the university either. I have no idea what I’m complaining about anymore.
If I get into trouble with the law then I just don’t care. All that I’ve worked for will be ruined but I just don’t care. It makes me sick and cold. I know I shouldn’t check. I just cannot understand why this happened to me. I feel so certain now that he hasn’t done anything like this before. He wasn’t over that girl and he obviously still isn’t even though his friend said he didn’t care about her anymore, even if she ‘walked in naked with bows on her t**s’ he wouldn’t care. My heart is crushed. He’s probably yearning for her instead of even giving a passing thought to me or the baby. I wish I’d walked away when I was pregnant. I’m sure I wouldn’t have lost it if I had. It was probably my last chance too. It’s just me that he hates. I believe him when he says he’s never had any ill will to any of his exes. I don’t even have pictures of us together. It’s like I didn’t exist and it hurts like h**l. I just don’t care what happens to me or my career. I love my son more than anything but I hate this. He was the only man I ever loved. I wish I could do the things you say. I try but there’s something wrong with me or something because I just can’t. I don’t want to live abuse free. I brought it all on myself and I would change. I didn’t consent but I obviously didn’t do a very good job of talking with the officer. He can do what he likes. I only ever loved, got pregnant, was treated badly and miscarried. I’m not ashamed of that and if it leads me to trouble and the loss of my career then so be it.
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Have a look on the CPS website which defines coercive control. I can’t see anywhere that it gives a period of time within these event must have taken place. Here’s a snipit…..
The Government definition also outlines the following:
Coercive behaviour is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim
Controlling behaviour is a range of acts designed to make a person subordinate and/or dependent by isolating them from sources of support, exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain, depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour -
Thanks KIP, this is exactly what I thought. I was so upset on the phone that I probably completely discredited myself. The person I spoke to was insistent that it wasn’t a long enough time. It was extremely short which was clearly her issue. She said there wasn’t enough evidence, but they haven’t seen anything. I said I had voice clips, messages and that he reproductively coerced. She it was terrible but toxic. It was an extremely short period of time I’m not going to lie but very intense and controlling exacerbated by the pregnancy. I explained about the friend and the verbal attacks and being frightened but I did such a poor job of it. I tried to explain about the sexual stuff. Nothing. I just broke down and said I felt like I’d made it up and that it makes me want to try and go back. I was totally upfront and honest about everything. I’ve discredited myself. I never read anything about a specific time but I guess their argument is that there’s not enough of a time period to establish the pattern. They said it didn’t have enough impact on my life! What about my studies, my physical and psychological health?! Apparently that’s not enough. It has to mean that he stopped me from going out or that he kept checking up on me etc. They said there’d be no point investigating and opening up my life and causing anguish when they knew it would get thrown out. She said to pursue it with the university if I had safeguarding concerns but it hardly seems I’ll get anywhere now that it’s been said I wasn’t coercively controlled. It’s a waste of time. How can anyone at the university take my complaint seriously when the police won’t pick it up? The law is truly an a*s.
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More from the CPS website….
8. Impact on the Victim and Understanding their Behaviour
An effective assessment of the impact on the victim requires prosecutors to recognise the harm caused to them from the cumulative impact of a pattern of abuse.Do not assume what a ‘typical’ victim might look like or behave. Victims may respond to abuse in a number of ways including consuming drugs or alcohol, and/or by showing signs of humiliation, detachment, anger, and retaliation. Victims may also interpret abuse very differently including expressing feelings of guilt; this might depend on their social or cultural context. Refer to the CPS Domestic Abuse Legal Guidance for further advice on self-defence and issues relevant to particular groups.
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It’s not upto the police to decide what gets thrown out. That’s the job of the crown office. They didn’t even take a complete statement from you. I think that’s totally unprofessional. It angers me once again that these lazy people just don’t even want to do their jobs. I think the domestic abuse unit should be trained in the new coercive control laws. It might be worth talking to a senior officer there. At least to have a proper explanation. You can see from the website that you seem to fit the bill. From an outside point of view I can see a pattern of his controlling coercive behaviour.
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The woman sounded bleak. She said she’d only been able to get 1 cc conviction. She said she was sure there wouldn’t be enough evidence and it would eventually end up being thrown out by he cps. She was sure. She also criticised me because in my initial report apparently the box saying there was no sexual offence was ticked. That may have been my fault because I didn’t look at it that way at the time. I said I had reevaluated and she went into all this stuff about consent. She said although I said I wanted him to use condoms I had sex with him more than once without one so I consented. I feel a fool.
I agree even if I can’t get a conviction, he should be questioned over what he’s done. They could have looked into it a bit more. I hate that once again because of my lack of being able to explain it properly that I’m the loser. I feel so let down and more than a little foolish.
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I’ve been advised to look into CICA instead but it’s not about money. He won’t even know about it. The other think is to claim against him directly, but again it’s not about the money plus as a student he’s not exactly wealthy but that’s not the point it about making HIM accountable (although I am having to pay for very expensive therapy because of the situation in my local area).
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Okay this police officer disgusts me. I’m sorry, I read your initial post as them having reviewed all your evidence but this woman sounds like she couldn’t even be bothered to look at it. She should not be dissuading a victim from making a statement just because she is of the opinion she might not get a conviction. How dare she decide to become judge and jury when that is not her job.
I had 4 male police officers ask me about sexual abuse. I could not tell them, in my PTSD assessment yesterday it took me several minutes to get the words out and even then I couldn’t say that word. I can’t even write it here. All I could say was that there was sex and I had said no. Trauma makes our brain protect us, it makes us block things out because we cannot face it, I could not face it at the time and I still struggle several months down the line with even writing what happened to me. She should not be critisising you for this, how can she not know that victims won’t always know “then and there” what to say and will still be under their control, will be traumatised. Oh my days. How dare she go on to say that because you consented once, you consented other times. I’ve had consentual sex, that certainly doesn’t mean that I have given consent for the rest of my life. Agree with KIP, unprofessional, ignorant, victim blaming.
You may not have the evidence for a conviction, but the police should at least look at it. Then send off to CPS for a charging decision. How can she know if there are crimes in the evidence when she won’t look at it. So sorry for having misread your post, I thought the police had at least tried but it’s become quite clear they haven’t even bothered. -
My ISVA is now saying there was no sexual violence! This just gets worse. I told her what I’ve written here. I’m just at a loss. I want them to at least look, to question him not make me feel an idiot. I don’t know how to proceed. I don’t like dealing with that force. I wish I could contact my home force and start the process again. They’ve never even asked me for my evidence. I told her my relationship was practically documented in text and voice clips but they’ve never even asked for it. They don’t care about the impact on me. It’s like they disbelieve.
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