No contact???

[mixed-up mum]

My son was late home (detail removed by Moderator) when his dad dropped him off.
I said how come you are so late tonight – dad was at (detail removed by Moderator) he said. Then he said dad wants to speak to you, he’s going to ring tonight to speak about the (detail removed by Moderator).

I didn’t know what to do – I know I need to face this sometime, it’s the one thing that ties us together still – but I’ve just done (detail removed by Moderator) no contact for the first time – and I just don’t want to get back in to speaking again – I’ve come this far after (detail removed by Moderator) and I’m scared to let him back in my life…….

I don’t want to get in to communicating through lawyers for EVERYTHING – it costs too much – but I don’t want to speak to him and let him get back talking again…….it’s a slippery slope……… Oh what do I do…….?????

(detail removed by Moderator) I got my son to ring him up and say I was away to bed with the cold. I hate putting my son in the middle like this, but I didn’t know what else to do.

I’m so stressed out – I know he’s going to ring up sooner or later – and he won’t understand why I can’t/wont speak to him……but if I let him back in my life even in this small way – he will then use this as an excuse to speak to me – and I just can’t cope with it……next he’ll want me to the house to speak ……..and I just can’t be there sat drinking coffee with him – I’m still too vulnerable to his manipulation – he makes me do things I don’t want to – he knows I can’t/won’t say no to him……..

He would never accept what he did to me WAS abuse – but he ’makes me’ do things – he did when we were together – for nearly all of my marriage I was too scared to say no to him – it was his way, all the way – he’d flatly deny he ever ’made’ me do anything, but he will never know how scared I was to go against his wishes…….

I just can’t let him back in…….I’ve come this far I can’t go back…..but I know I need to sort out the house……what do I do…… ????

[Eve1]

Hi M.U.M,

You’re part of the way there, as you know contact with him will do you no favours and just be about him controlling you.

Perhaps list for yourself all the scenarios he could be wanting to discuss. Selling? Buying you out? Then contact Citizens Advice so you’re forewarned. I know you don’t want to involve solicitors, but once you know what he wants you can get 30 mins free from most. I know you’ve said he doesn’t do technology so he won’t email. If you really do have to meet, can you do it in a public place over a coffee. Be business like, limit the time you’re with him.

I know how very hard it is. I didn’t know much about abusers or no contact when we were sorting out the house and his behaviour panicked me into bad decisions. Think about what works be best for you. And give yourself time.

Hugs
xx

[Confused123]

HI Hun

Thats a tircky one, i knew i could never sit with mu ex and disucss house so i am having to do the costly way via solcitors, i could suggest u take a third party with u , but i know u said in past he wont agree to that, for me it was more a case of would of been false promises to make sure i get nothing, hence i had to do via solcitors, can u see if u can get any legal aid to help you . Hope the other ladies can advise u better, just wanted to give u some support

[Suntree]

I do everything via email. Its a paper trail. It gives you time to see what is proposed and think about it. It gives you time not to respond immediately. It can also show if he is ignoring you.
It allows for both parties to have clarity and a record of anything agreed.
It keeps the solicitors cost down.
But you have evidence should you need it.

When he tells your son that he will call you can email back and say that you will no-longer be taking messages passed to your son and it is unfair on him and you are not going to put him in that position.
He can contact you via email and you will reply when you have an opportunity to do so.

You put your phone on block during the hours that are unreasonable for people to contact you.

You look at your emails when it suits you.

You reply via email and you become a nice and polite but like a bad record, repeating the way he can “talk” to you.

[Nova]

Hi I agree I would use email, whether he likes it or not…That’s his problem. Your doing things your way now, not accommodating his demands.
Technology is a 3rd dimension that distances you & as had been said gives you time to think.
If personal contact us definitely needed…Can’t think why, definitely another person with you. Your way or the high way!

Don’t give in to his demands your doing good.. keep going it’s your life that counts!

XC

[lilaclady]

Hope you’re ok mixed up mum definitely get this done through email. It’s a great paper trail like someone else says and then also you get a chance to think about it and you don’t have to respond straight away gives you time to think. Stay strong! Thinking of you xx

[WalkerInTheRain]

I think Eve1 is right in exploring the possible scenarios before you start discussions with him. You can then decide what your preference is (forewarned is forearmed). You need to consider any property, savings, investments, pensions etc as well as what maintenance payments you’d like for your son.
If he really digs his heels in about email there’s the option of meditation which is better than meeting for a coffee but can still be emotionally traumatic. There is a cost associated with this but not as much as taking it to court for equalisation.
Do you know what assets he has or do you suspect some of these have been hidden?

[mixed-up mum]

Hi all and thank you for all your replies – unfortunately email is not an option with him………….

He has no internet, so he has no computer/laptop/tablet – so no email.

He cant even text so we cant even communicate that way.

Does anybody else have any ideas?

I really don’t want to have to sit near him or be in the same room as him – I just cant look him in the eyes. Ive come this far – I cant take a step back…….
If he finds a tiny hole in my armour he will use that to get to me again – I know we need to sort this out – but I just cant be near him.

If he gets me to talk on the phone once, he will will ring me again and again – and he will then expect me to be fine with seeing him – and IM NOT…………
I know he will only manipulate me in to saying and doing things I don’t want to…….

If only we could talk through a third party who is NEUTRAL and will pass on messages between us and be fair.
But none of his family speak to me, and none of my family speak to him – we have no mutual friends …………oh this is so hard…………. oh what to do for the best……..

Maybe mediation is the only option, if we could do it in separate rooms?

x*x

[WalkerInTheRain]

You could do shuttle meditation.
They might try and discourage this but it is an option x

[EeyoreNoMore]

Your solicitor is there to protect you and to act as a buffer between you and him. See if you can get a fixed fee for the work they’re doing, that way you’re not charged for each and every letter.

We have a contact book that we use when our child goes on contact visits to highlight any issues.

Other than that, unless he cannot read or write there really is no good reason why he can’t text you. Stay strong and stand your ground. Have contact only on terms you are comfortable with.

Maybe get a pay as you go phone and tell him you will only accept calls on a Friday at 6pm for example. If he wants to speak that badly he can call when you say, other than that, tough luck.

[Racoon]

I’d stick to communicating via email or via post if necessay. Maybe send a quick letter informing him of your email address and suggest that he could get a friend of family member to support him with setting up an email account and writing the email. If he is unable or unwilling he could write and use Royal Mail.

[Serenity]

Hi M.U.M,

It never ceases to surprise me how similar in their tactics they are.

My ex assumed that he could come back here for coffee: he even said arrogantly that he would do so once a month, and it was because he wanted a way of coming back in close proximity with me, to control me, if I began doing something which he didn’t like ( such as trying to get him to pay maintenance ) as he assumed- like these abusers do- that they are so much more cleverer and mentally wily then us, that we are easily pliable and thaf all that is needed if we are becoming too ‘rebellious’ is a visit from them, and they can either brainwash or frighten us into doing what they want.

Sometimes, they just like to be in contact just to flex their muscles and feel in control again, for no particular reason.

Well, M.U.M, so what if he imagines that you’d be putty in his hands so easily? You’ve set in motion No Contact, and you don’t need to falter when he clicks his fingers. You want to live a life free from his abuse, and any contact is toxic and leaves you feeling dreadful.

I don’t know if the claimed reason for him speaking with you was anything official, like the house or Child Maintenance? If so, a meeting with the mediator could deal with outstanding issues in one or two sessions, and you could do shuttle mediation. Be armed with what your requests are, and don’t give into his demands even at mediation. My ex ( I think ) used shuttle mediation to reel a right sob story to the mediator when he was in the room alone with her. But the mediator has no legal sway and can’t make you do anything – he if she is just there to help you come to agreements.,

If it’s Child Maintenance, let them deal with him. If it’s to do with the kids, I imagine your kids are old enough to deal with each of you directly.

It’s best, as Eve says, do finalise as much regarding outstanding issues as you can, so you can move on in a freer manner. If this is just a small issue: he will always try to hoover you up somehow, and if you want a future free of that then this is a time when you need to hold firm and keep the no contact going to avoid getting drawn into his control games.

How him that you’re not for turning!

[Author]

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