No Contact killing me

[bella123]

Hi all

I’m a new member. When our relationship ended before it was always me ignoring him and him txt in constantly he has done recently but have not heard from him the last (detail removed by Moderator) days and it’s killing me.

I know I wouldn’t reply if he did but it’s just I feel so much better if he txt me and I’m confused by this myself!

I’m in bits here and I know he is out with all his friends drinking and sniffing cocaine and that’s why our relationship ended yet he is still doing it!

I’m a messed up person completely because of him and hate it.

Bella x

[KIP.]

Hey bells, I know how you feel. As human beings, we crave what is normal to us. Even if it is dangerous and dysfunctional. Google ‘cycle of abuse’ in domestic abuse. It explains a lot. You’re waiting on the ‘love bombing phase’ because that’s what’s always happened in the past. It leaves us anxious until it comes, only this time because of no contact, that phase won’t come. Ring the helpline too for advice. Just know that if you contact him it will leave you feeling worse than ever. These feelings will pass. Hang in there x

[fizzylem]

Hi Bella, I hear you. For me I have now let go of wanting to be wanted but it took a while, as I can see that was all it was – I mean that is all he gave me, the feeling I was wanted in a sexual way. He’s moved on to the next victim now and I feel relief and some safety knowing that its over for me now on his part as well – yes was painful to know he’s found someone else, but its also been good in many more ways.

I was looking up the theory of love last night with a friend and we found a triangle that says love can occur when passion – intimacy – commitment come together. I can see that there was only really passion from him and that was it – I think this is why I felt connected in some way to him as I desired him also, but this was a physical attraction only, can see now there was no intimacy or commitment from him, in the early days I thought there was, but can see now there never was, there were only lies and after about a year in I certainly didnt feel ok to be me when with him – which is what an intimate relationship is – having openness and honesty and feeling good to be you inside it.

Think it helped me to be totally honest about what I actually got from the relationship and how often were the good times – because when I saw it in print, in a list form, I could see he caused me an awful lot of hurt, stress and angst for only a few good times – and now I see that the good times we did have only came about because he wanted me for sex – I wanted it to be love and to get what he needed he said it was love he felt too – he did not love me, he liked what I could do for him, and when I became less willing to do things for him he manipulated and abused me to get what he wanted out of me – this is not loving.

You never wanted that life really did you and you only felt concern for him when he went out and did those things – me too. I can see how he in part he chose me to begin with because I was decent, someone he aspired to be like, he idolised me, put me on a pedestal, made me his savior, the one who could take him away from the drugs, as for a time he wanted to be that guy, the decent guy he felt when with me when he abstained, he replaced drugs with sex for a while, but the problem was sooner or later I was always going to fall from that pedestal, because the real him is not decent, it is all about getting – never giving, he liked to be on the receiving end of feeling my care but he never extended that care to me. In the end I was blamed for making him feel rubbish about doing these things – because I cared – like it was me that was wrong, when actually all I hoped was that he would want to quit himself for his health and well-being; he turned me into the person to rebel against which lead him back into drugs and drink, meant I became the enemy, I actually never pressured him whatsoever, I just told him how I felt about it when he asked and that was all, but this meant while he was in relationship with me – he had to either blame me for his feelings or do something about it hey – he chose blame and to carry on regardless.

He is who he is hey, and at the age my abuser is now I doubt it is likely he will ever change – he’s shirked all of his responsibilities in life now – so he’s now missed the opportunities to grow up and feel the value in being a responsible, caring human being – he only cares about himself – I don’t want to be around someone like that – do you? And I certainly don’t want my life partner to be like that either – I want someone to look after me and vice versa in old age, not leave me to get on with it and send me to an early grave.

You will feel much better about things eventually; there is also now a much greater chance that you can unlock your potential, we can only do this when we spend time with healthy, positive, compassionate, creative folk – as they help us to become the best person we can be – they help us to step into being true to the self – this is simply not possible with him in your life.

Sounds to me that some further clarity might good at this stage, to help you to make sense of what happened and why, why you are choosing not to be with him; wondering if it might help you to do some reflective writing sweety? Sorry for epic reply – helps me to think about things as well and unfortunately I’ve never been that good at being concise! x

[bella123]

Thanks for your kind supportive words I could relate to most of that.

Having a bad day today just want to give my head a rest and realise I’m so much better of out of it.

I was attracted to his good looks but hated the person underneath all that.

B x

[Serenity]

Hi Bella,

My ex is out there smoking weed, (detail removed by moderator), and making his money by fleecing people: all unhealthy, dark behaviours. The complete opposite of what he should be- and not accede in the world. Only rejoicing that he had hurt me, because it gives him a sick sense of power.

Fizzylem: I love your words and I have taken a snapshot of them. You’re so right: passion was the only thing- no concern or commitment. And the sex wasn’t intimacy- it was him wielding his power over me and using me for his own physical needs. I also identify with the idea of them putting you on a pedestal when they first meet you, as if you are the answer to all their problems. As if you exist only for them, to fill their gaping void. You’re quickly devalued when they realise you have your limits and that you are just human!

It’s like they think they are superhuman, and you should be too!

[Author]

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