No contact rule

[Sugar]

I haven’t seen him since I threatened to call the police in (detail removed by Moderator). That’s after he strangled me and slapped my face and shouted at my child. I’ve been better than I expected until last night. I stupidly opened his emails which started off with accusing me if having an affair. I proudly didn’t respond even though my instinct was to defend myself. I has a terrible night. My anxiety is so bad I keep getting intrusive thoughts and night terrors. I woke to more emails. This time it’s the apologies and he never meant to hurt me. He’s now prepared to get help and do whatever it takes. I’ve heard it all before and I’m bit buying into now. But I have so many things I want to say. I’m so angry for the way he has stripped me if all that I was. The way he has degraded me, abused me and used me as his emotional punchbag! Will I ever get my say? I know how vital it is that I go no contact because he can get to me so quickly with his words. I’m just so angry today

[Marthamoo]

Hi Sugar. Why don’t you write all your feelings down in a letter to him or in a journal. You don’t have to ever give him the letter if you don’t want to. But it would be a chance for you to say what you want to say. A chance to get those angry thoughts out of your head xx

[KIP.]

I read that leaving an abuser is like him walking out and dying. You don’t get the chance to say goodbye and you don’t get closure. I totally agree with that. No matter what you say, he will have an answer. They just don’t think the same way we do. Write it all down for yourself but stay no contact. If you contact him, you give him back all the power x

[Confused123]

Hi Hun the hardest bit is keeping away and doing no contact , reflect on how stronger u get with no
Contact and how u feel after having contact

[Smile]

Hi, have you heard about gaslighting?

http://www.thehotline.org/2014/05/what-is-gaslighting/

It sounds as though he may be good at it.

What I learnt with my ex is, it doesn’t matter how good, worthy, forgiving, fair or reasonable you try to be, it will never be good enough.

My epiphany happened as I prepared for court…

…you learn to expect a negative reaction from him and then you begin to think you deserve it.

Just because you know he’s likely to react a certain way doesn’t me you deserve it.

Saying that, my ex still gets to me and I’m still working on my responses. Even this weekend!

Giving advice is always easier.

[one day at a time]

Well done for being so strong. It would be wonderful if you could get the explanation, apology, reassurance etc that you deserve but the reality is you’re not going to get it. As you say, you’ve heard it all before.
It’s incredibly hard going no contact but remember that silence is your greatest weapon against control. It gives control back to you and if he’s anything like my ex, (he sounds very like my ex!) it will be driving him nuts not to get a response.
Keep a record of any communication and if it gets threatening tell the police.
If you feel like replying I agree with KIP that you write it down but don’t send it. If you get the urge to phone him, phone the helpline and sound off to them. I’ve done that a few times and felt so relieved afterwards that I didn’t break my no contact.
Wishing you all the best. Stay strong. Take care. Big hug. X

[foggyhere]

Well done for going no contact! I’m coming up to nearly a month of modified no contact (I hsve to talk to him about our daughter and to get him to pay up – but I only use email for finances and text for contact arrangements). I’m finding that’s got a reaction from him, and it’s unpleasant. I suspect yours is doing the same. I’m sure they are doing that to start a dialogue.

Finding that I’m actually having moments when I feel happier than I have in a very long time.. They don’t last for long, but to get them at all is amazing given where I was when he discarded me.

[Author]

Posts