No contact when you have kids

[fizzylem]

After trying to keep a line of communication open for years to make things easier for my child, as I was also advised by my solictor to do this, sh!t advice. I have come to know that this was a severe error; he has only used her as a weopon and uses his PR to continue with the abuse. I can see this now.

I want to remove myself from the arrangement completely, so that this stops.

But how do I do this?

I have no family who I feel could help with pick ups and drop offs, poss one but for how long I do not know, she isn’t well and elderly. I don’t own a car, so if I put it through a contact centre I cant get her there. Would literally take me 45mins on the bus both ways. Then what about the actual arrangement? I suppose court could sort that out in black and white, and my brother could take a call should he need to change something at short notice.

I know that I have to have this in place really before court, don’t I? No use asking for it then, I need to show this is needed now yes? Anyone?

I feel so trapped, cant see a way to manage the situation; what do others do?

My child will obs be the one who feels this change the most, will mean I will have to tell her something, but what? I’ve worked hard to hide it all from her for years, but I cant do it anymore. He’s out of control and only going to keep on gunning for me until I put a stop to it, until I remove myself completely – but how do I do that?

[Flowerchild]

Darling Lem,

It seems as if you’ve been the one doing all the arranging and running around so your abusive ex can have contact with your children – is that the situation?

What effort has he put in? Does he just sit back and expect the children to be dropped off and picked up at his convenience?

If he wants to have contact, he needs to be prepared to out effort into the logistics, I’d say.

And you need to be protected from having to see him or have and contact with him on handovers. It’s not your job to work the details out!

If you are clear with the (detail removed by moderator) about what you have been doing and why it isn’t working and what you need to make contact workable, they should listen. The children have rights in these situations: the adults only have responsibilities.

Good luck, and stand your ground!

Flower x

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi darling this is so difficult, you have to outsmart him.
You are setting the terms of visitation.
You choose the location and date.
Make it hard for him. Make it unappealing. Make it a pain for him. Also cancel some visitations saying she is sick. Or you simply forgot the agreed time. You suddenly become terrible at time management. You forget, she is sick, she is busy, she has other plans, you can’t make it that day…
Ask your lawyer how many times you are allowed to miss a visit until your abusive ex can take you to court. Try to stay just under the limit.
I don’t speak out of experience sorry, it is just a post I remembered from a mother on here, she had had enough like you (I’m sorry I can’t remember her name) she made it so difficult for him, not even afraid he will take her to court because she would just play the card of “l’m doing the best I can for my child” given the circumstances.
Not afraid of the consequences and being suddenly not good at organising anything concerning him was her tactic.

Like Flower said, don’t make the arrangements. If he wishes visitations, he can move his lazy behind and make an effort to meet you half way.

Good luck darling, this is for sure one of the toughest situation to be in after the break-up.
Keep strong, hope others can give you more advice

[diymum@1]

i think the above is an option IF he dosent have the money to take you to court if he does maybe not as they will look down on you for not facilitating contact for sure. which in the circumstances is ridiculous.even if he gets legal aid he will pay more than 6k back roughly xx you could make him pay maintenance to put him off paying out more and deciding not to go to court xxxx

[HopeLifeJoy]

But why should it be assumed she has to facilitate contact? She doesn’t want to, he does, so it should be his responsability shouldn’t it? And she is not NOT facilitating contact legally speaking, just make it an absolute pain for him…trying to think outside the box to beat this “@$) at jis iwn game…

[diymum@1]

i was told that the court would be harder on me – i guess thats to make us scared x*x

[diymum@1]

your also gambling on who you are dealing with ie sympathetic or totally draconian x*x

[HopeLifeJoy]

Nono I wouldn’t gamble, just get informed on how you can turn a negative situation into one that works for you, within your legal rights. Nowhere does it say that you have to be perfect all the time, you can skip a visitation, or two, or three…depending how many are allowed per month…I would check with the legal professional aid.
Fizzylem, we try to all think of a way out of this, so you can hopefully one day enjoy your life without your abuser in it.

[fizzylem]

Thanks for your thoughts ladies. I’ve been to see my WAs support worker today; she said just make a plan re how you want it to be, to include when he will see her. Build a case for removing yourself from the contact completely, by using examples of when he fights you with his PR and she suffers as a result – oh so so many examples here sadly – when he’s used her as a weopon; include how this is effecting her and the evidence for this, which I have – they won’t listen to DA or even DV if it is only the woman he’s been violent towards (if the kids havent witnessed it), but they will listen to this, how what he does has/is effecting her.

So, the upshot is, I could be free of this one day; if it all goes to plan then I won’t be dealing with him anymore, I will however, still do what I need to do to protect my child, if he steps out of line when he’s with her, and I will go back to court if needed. I will also be going for safe contact too of course.

I’m really hoping that once I remove myself there will be no fun in it for him, no game, so we can all get on and live again; although I can predict that when his life takes a down turn, and it will, things will get sh!t again for her – but we will cross that bridge if/when it happens.

TBH I have been trying to avoid court, thinking he will get what he wants so whats the point, but now I’m getting more and more prepped, I’m actually thinking lets deal with this now and stop it x

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Fizzylem, I think you received solid advice from WA and with you removed from the equation the fun will indeed be out for him and he will probably look elsewhere to get his dosage of power and control.
If it helps to make yourself comfortable with the idea of court, watch videos of court cases and read up on rights of women how the legal processes work, that’ll give you confidence going in.
You are doing really well, keep strong, there is light at the end of the tunnel init 🙂

[fizzylem]

Thanks hun! Good ideas, I will do that thank you.

I’m feeling much better today; I cant say why on here as it could identify me – but I can say he has just made my work for our case a hell of a lot easier!

Have you seen the Sally Challon news! Ive been in tears for most of the morning after watching it. Such good news for all of us! She’s a national hero x

[HopeLifeJoy]

Oh im so pleased for you!!
And goodness me I am just reading now about Sally Challen, I can’t believe it, such great news! Thanks for sharing

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