"No DSS, No Benefits, No Pets"

[SunshineRainflower]

I’m feeling quite stressed and low about my current job and house/flat hunt and could do with getting it out.

I need to find an affordable flat or small house to rent. It will just be me and my cat. I am seeing so much discrimination in all of the ads for the properties on a variety of websites, with both private landlords and agency advertise properties.

I am on the council’s waiting list but have not been given any priority so they said it could take up to 5 years! Ie. I need to find somewhere private and claim housing benefits.

However, I am struggling to find anywhere that will accept housing benefit. I am a professional with a postgrad qualification but ended up getting signed off sick long term due to suidical depression, anxiety and panic attacks. I’ve built myself back up (despite the abusive relationship) and I am well enough to work part time again now, but I am not getting interviews, which I think may be due to discrimination against my health, but I can’t be sure. Before I had to stop working I never had any problems getting interviews though so I suspect it is.

Where am I supposed to live if the council and housing associations don’t have enough properties for everyone and private landlords won’t accept housing benefit, and nobody will hire me? My parents are thankfully going to help me pay the rent and be guarantors. But even then I am not sure I will be accepted.

I am also horrified at the huge private rental amounts, and the crazy agency fees. The agencies would charge me hundreds to ‘reference me’ and for ‘inventory’ and ‘guarantor checks’ on top of big deposits and rents. I honestly have no idea how people pay it because where I live the wages are low. I saw a flat this week which was sooooo depressing and grotty, really not cheap and the estate agent turned up in a flash BMW sports car and knew nothing about the local area like bus routes. They were clearly coining it in from all these fees and the housing shortage and couldn’t care less.

I’m feeling so down that so far nobody will a) hire me and b) let me pay my rent using housing benefits.

I feel so low and discriminated against because I am single, have had mental health problems and have a cat. After all the c**p stuff that’s been thrown at me in life it just seems so unfair (it’s not as if I actually wanted to get ill and have to stop working, or end up single again due to an abusive relationship).

I know there are some inspiring ladies on here who left their exes and made it on their own, it’d be good to hear how you did this. I really want to do it and be a success, I am a super hard worker and have been my whole life, it just feels so hard right now with so many obstacles and catch 22 situations.

[SunshineRainflower]

Also I forgot to add, most of the properties in my limited budget are in the same postcode as my ex. I would probably bump into him at the local supermarket and shops.

The only other affordable postcodes are in the scary ghetto areas that are often in the news due to crime. I would feel depressed and terrified to walk around these places especially coming home at night, so I have been looking in my ex’s postcode. What else can I do?

I could technically move to another area, since I don’t yet have a job, but then I’d know nobody and could get super isolated? And I’d also have to find work there which might be harder as the cheaper places tend to be out of the cities, and I can’t afford a car….

[Pondlife]

You poor love. I had a similar thing recently searching for flats, my income was so low landlords werent interested at all. There is a website (detail removed by Moderator) where you can avoid estate agents and agency fees but the prices are still what they are. In terms of jobs, to keep the wolf from the door can you sign up to an agency while you job search so you arent financially struggling as well as looking for work?

It feels wrong that you arent being better supported. It seems that no wonder women return to their abusive partners all the time- there isnt anywhere for us to go thats safe so we are prey to them. Please seek as much help as you can.

Best of luck, keep looking

[Ayanna]

I faced this situation too.
The private housing sector is racist and discriminative to the max and I cannot understand why this is allowed in the UK as they boast themselves to be so inclusive and tolerant.
It is the worst and most discriminative housing market in the whole of Europe.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Pondlife and Ayanna,

Thanks very much for your replies, it has made me feel understood. Pondlife I am signed up with a few agencies, it’s just they are all on holiday at the moment, but I am hoping they will find me something when they return. I just need to make sure that wherever I live I can commute to the jobs by public transport.

I’ve just found two more jobs that I would genuinely really like so I’m going to put in good applications to those, and a friend who has a good job has agreed to check them for me. I am wondering whether I am putting employers off by being too open mentioning about my past depression etc, and perhaps need to play up my experience and qualifications more.

I looked again at flats last night. I have been looking (detail removed by Moderator), nothing suitable has turned up yet but hopefully something will soon. I don’t technically even need to stay in this city, as I have few friends left and am not close with my family, but I have lived in other places before and always found them lonely, which is why I was hoping to stay here as it’s a friendly city with activities going on and more affordable than most places.

Maybe I just need to get more creative in my job and flat search to stop feeling like I’m banging my head against a wall all the time…

Ayanna I totally agree about the discrimination. Before when I ‘fitted in better’ to society I didn’t experience it much, but since my life has become more difficult I notice it everywhere now, society is very intolerant to anyone who doesn’t fit into the narrow mould. I am shocked they are allowed to specify ‘no DSS’ because most disabled people claim benefits which is surely disability discrimination.

(detail removed by Moderator) Several of the flat ads are extremely specific about the tenants they will accept, even specifying full time workers only (what about single mothers?), require 6 months of payslips, and one even said ‘must be a research or medical worker at the university.’ It’s like it’s the system is currently the wrong way round – they should be grateful for a good, paying tenant not specifying who they want! It’s their fault there is so little afforable housing anyway, because they bought it all to rent out, rather than letting individuals or families buy these properties to actually live in.

[Janedoeissad]

Hi Showerainflower

Have you contacted the agents directly to question the no DSS, no pets?

I have heard people say that some estate agents put that as a default for most rental properties but if you explain your situation and ask the landlord to be contacted, they sometimes change their minds.

I was also looking for a rental property a few years ago (I have 2 cats) and some of the estate agents did get in contact with the landlord and explain that the two cats in question were house trained, predominantly outdoor cats and I explained how I would ensure the cats did not destroy their home. Some landlords don’t want certain pets (big dogs, indoor rabbits, etc) but they can’t just say “no dogs”. So they put no pets instead.

Just a thought.

On the job front have you contacted any employment charities in your area which help people with disablities back into work (in my area its places like Shaw Trust or Remploy). They might have contacts you don’t and may be able to help?

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks for your reply Janedoeissad,

I have started the approach you mentioning by contacting landlords directly and it does seem to help, so I will keep doing it, thank you. I spoke to one landlord today and when I asked about the type of tenant he wanted he initially said ‘well we don’t want any housing benefit or anything like that, you must be in full time work.’ I explained how I am qualified in a certain field and do agency work in it (I just have to wait for everyone to come back from holiday but I didn’t tell him that) and have a guarantor. It was strange as he seemed really keen to have me as a tenant, said that would be fine, and even said I could apply for housing benefit if I needed as I ‘seemed like a genuine person.’ But his initial discriminatory stance has got me worried, I didn’t mention that I also claim benefits for my health, I can’t imagine he’d be too keen. He was openly dissing another applicant to me telling me confidential details about how she wanted to pay and how he wasn’t keen and would prefer me, to be honest it raised alarm bells and I saw red flags which reminded me of abusive men, ie. dissing others and initially idolizing you (in 6 months time I’m pretty sure he’d be dissing me too?)

I’ve put an ad on a website saying I’m looking for a place after my friend recommended it, and have had two replies so far which is a start, although one is in the ghetto area and another is not even in the same city and is out of my budget anyway.

I hope I don’t sound like a terrible moaner but today I found out I have got a speeding fine, from when I was visiting a flat in an area I don’t know. I was doing 35 in a 30 zone which I thought was a 40 zone as it’s a massive dual carriageway type road. I feel absolutely gutted as I need all the money I can for deposit and fees etc. and have carefully been putting my old things on ebay to try to raise the funds for this. 🙁

Sometimes I just feel like I must have done something awful in a past life and am being punished, does anyone else feel like this? So much c**p on top of c**p on top of more c**p. I am starting to feel so down again, like I don’t really know what the point of life is. If I can’t find work I can do, a place of my own, and rent and bills are so high, and I don’t get on with my family, friendships not great, no partner, no children, what really is the b****y point? Are we just here to work, pay bills then die? Literally I would say the only reason I haven’t ended my life is because of my cat, I hate the thought of leaving her as she is just the most wonderful creature I’ve ever known and the only soul I love in this world.

I am so miserable right now, this is the worst summer I have had in years. Everyone around me is going on holiday and all I do every day is clear out my stuff, ebay things, look unsuccessfully for work and flats and that’s about it, no socialising, no fun, no holidays, nothing, and now this fine is just the last thing I needed. Whenever I go to the shops I don’t want to buy anything, as life just seems totally pointless. I’m so, so, so fed up with the world, with everything, and can’t keep living like this, I am anxious and stressed and scared and unhappy 🙁

[SunshineRainflower]

P.s I had an appointment with a specialist disability organisation, went there, parked up, went to reception and was told the adviser wasn’t around. The receptionist rang her on her mobile and she said she’d had a ‘personal emergency’ and couldn’t make my appointment and would ring me the next day! I couldn’t believe that neither her, reception nor her boss or a colleague could have rung me in advance to cancel my appointment. They thought it was fine for me to go all the way there for nothing. And this is an organisation that is meant to help people with disabilites/health problems to find work! I said I never wanted to experience that again so declined further help, as they proved themselves to be totally unprofessional and unreliable. It was just yet another rubbish thing to happen recently. I just can’t take any more of this kind of thing, it’s like I have had no luck for years and I am assuming I’m just a terrible awful person because I don’t get why nothing seems to work out for me.

[Janedoeissad]

I’m sorry you feel so low at the moment. Have you been in touch with your GP about it?

I’m glad you see at least one reason for living. It isn’t silly. I always say my cats are my heart and soul. They bring light were there is sometimes only dark.

Maybe as you were only doing 35 in a 30 they might give you a small fine and a speed awareness course?

I’ve heard a saying that life is like a bow and you are an arrow. You get dragged back in order to fly forwards. My other favourite are things falling apart or coming together.

To me, as an outsider I feel like things are slowly coming together for you but you are having small set backs. Which can feel huge when you have been though the mill with someone abusive.

Perhaps the other tenant the landlord spoke to didn’t speak as well as you or seem as well put together. He was very wrong to tell you her details and I would definitely avoid him. I think you dodged a bullet there.

Keep going. If only for your cat. I know you will succeed as you’ve come this far. You’ve left the horrible partner. That’s a huge thing.

Big hugs to you.

J x

[Confused123]

Hey HUn

Feel for u, i am in similar scenario, got given my notice by landlord today as he wants to sell up, rental prices are crazy, could u consider house share

[Twisted Sister]

I just had a thought that might be something helpful to add to your options.

Have you checked with your local council whether they operate a private rental register of their own, as I know some councils do and they would be a more reasonable rent, take Dss etc and the landlord is the council? I hope your area operate this register, I think its quite widespread now because of exactly this problem.

Please feel in similar company with many here when it comes to depresion fear anxieties tereible sleep facing what seem like impenetrable brick walls!

You have done amazingly to have come so far in terms of now being in part time work I am well behind you with all the same sorts of struggles to face. Its a part of the journey out.

Warmest wishes ks x

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Karmasister,

Thanks for your reply, I looked for a list like this but couldn’t find anything online, I think the council must have one, but I have hopefully just found somewhere and just waiting to get the rent confirmed before paying the deposit. If it doesn’t work out I will ring the council for the list and see what they say but I really hope I don’t need to, hopefully this little house I have found will go ahead.

Thanks for your positive good vibes, it’s great to be able to talk about this stuff with other women who understand, there are so many challenges to becoming independent when dealing with the aftermath of abuse and abusers make us believe we are incapable. It always inspires me when I read about others who have managed it, hopefully we will all get there too.

Sunshine xx

[lover of no contact]

Hi Sunshine,

Things are very tough at the moment for you but ‘This too will pass’, is a saying that helps me. Sometimes I have to cling unto that saying and keep hoping my life becomes more manageable. And it does. Things work out, they may take time, lots of patience on our part may be needed. If I take the action (which you are certainly doing) then I find the Universe has something to work at. And things have a way of falling into place.

I too find life has a habit of kicking me when I’m down. When I’m struggling with the big things in life then a few extra troubles seem to come along my path as well. Life can suck sometimes its true. But often the darkest night is just before the dawn. You have definitely done the right thing by reaching out for support on here. You can’t control what happens to you but you can control what you do about it which is getting a lot of support.

Where I live there is a scheme set up where you can rent a room from an elderly person for cheap rent and in return you are company for the elderly person and you have to do a few chores in return. Just an idea.

Also as regards you not having money at the moment for a holiday and it seems all work (selling your possessions for cash, applying for jobs and a place to live) here is a list of ways to take a break because it is true we need fun, rest and relaxation…

1) Sit in nature
2) Walk outside
3) Go to a body of water
4) Go to a park
5) Meander around town (get make-up done for free, watch people and the clothes they choose and their colour combinations for clothes).
6) View some Art
7) Go for a run
8) Take a bike ride
9) Drive somewhere new
10) Put on some music and dance
11) Listen to music
12) Take a nap
13) Create your own coffee break
14) Find a relaxing scent
15) Pet a furry creature (your beautiful cat)
16) Go to a Farmer’s Market
17) Do some gentle stretches
18) Watch the clouds
19) Watch the stars
20) Read a book
21) Listen to a guided meditation
22) Read a magazine (library has them for free)
23) Engage in small acts of Kindness
24) Read or watch something funny
25) Notice your body
26) Take a nap
27) Light a candle.
28) Take a bath

Maybe some other ladies might have other suggestions as well.

Keep going sunshine, you’re going through turbulence but you will move to calmer waters.

[SunshineRainflower]

Thank you Lover of no contact I absolutely love your list, I usually do a lot of those things but have barely done anything nice this month due to putting all my time into flat and job hunting. I am going to work a few of these things into my new few weeks, thanks for reminding me, some great idea I hadn’t thought of there too. I went for a nice walk through the woods and park yesterday and it was great, time spent in nature is just so wonderfully restorative.

I like what you said about sometimes all the rubbish stuff happens at once and we feel like we can’t breathe everything is so bad, then at other times the universe helps us out by things falling into place. Hopefully this little terrace I have found is the first step to my new chapter, which will hopefully be better than what has been happening lately. Even though the location etc isn’t perfect, I think it is a step in the right direction, and hopefully work will turn up next, making me an independent woman with her own little place, which was my dream all along 🙂

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi ladies,

Thanks for listening to all my woes about this recently and providing me with helpful and positive suggestions, it’s so good being able to talk about this stuff as I don’t have a huge amount of people I can talk to.

I am happy to tentatively report that I have found a little terraced house that the landlord is happy for me to rent, subject to guarantor etc checks. He is fine with cats, and I told the agency about my work so they know I’m basically unemployed at the moment and will need to claim housing benefit and they were ok with it. I’m just waiting to have the rent confirmed as it looks like they reduced it just as I was applying, so I want to confirm I’ll get it for the cheaper price.

I feel sort of relieved, happy and scared all at once. I’m relieved because my parents have seen a place they want to buy so I need to move out fast, relieved that I have been accepted, and happy because I actually liked this little house with big windows, a nice view and even a garden I could grow a few flowers and veg in which is the kind of thing that massively helps me calm down and keeps my depression and anxiety manageable 🙂

I’m scared that I will struggle financially on my own, scared because I don’t know the area, it seems ok and not dangerous but it is near some of the rougher areas. Also, unfortunately it is in the same postcode as my ex. It’s not within walking distance to him thankfully, but he does use the local big supermarket and shops, which was the site of him being abusive to me a few times, following me around the supermarket scowling at me asking where I was going, what I was doing. I remember feeling absolutely miserable with him there. It’s concerning that I might see him, I reported him to the police and got him issued with a warning so he could get arrested if he approached me. He probably has a new girlfriend by now, he’s constantly on dating sites hoovering women up pretending to be this great guy, so it could be triggering if I saw him with someone. I guess it’s just something I’ll have to deal with. It’s not a permanent move, and I can try to go to the shops when I know he’ll be at work, it’s just a shame that he is still having some control over me even though I’ve not seen him for months.

In the end, what else can I do. It was literally the only place in my budget that accepted cats and benefits that is in a safe area that wasn’t super depressing.

Overall I think it’s positive and means I’ll have my own place and some independence, and will keep applying for jobs until I get something. Hopefully it’s the start of a positive new chapter 🙂 Thank you all again, I will let you know if it goes ahead fingers crossed…

[lover of no contact]

That’s great news Sunshine! Here’s to new beginnings. Don’t worry about bumping into your ex. If you do, just come on here immediately after and write it all out and we’ll support you. You have nothing to fear. If you see him 20 times in one week, come on here, we’ll set you straight..lol.

Your new place sounds lovely.

[lover of no contact]

Meant to say if you see him 20 times in one week, come on here for those 20 times!!

[Twisted Sister]

For what its worth I think its paramount to keep safe and avoid chance meetings that could give him further opportunities to abuse you in any way. Make choices that put you first in line with your safety keeping your fone warm and sticking with good friends and supports.

Only you can know if he’s absolutely safe to be around, and you cant be sure whether his rages against you will escalate now that he feels he has lost control (as with the previous supermarket sit’n)

Very impressed with the police response to that! The police would laugh jn my face if I said that. You have dobe extrwmely well!

[Ayanna]

Congratulations on your new home! It sounds lovely!

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi ladies,

Well something strange happened after I started the application to that house. As soon as I applied I got this sick feeling in my stomach with a tight knot, couldn’t eat and couldn’t sleep all Saturday night. I was tossing and turning having nightmares, and had to get a bowl because I thought was I was going to be sick. I know it sounds daft but when I looked round the house, I really liked it apart from the attic room which gave me a really bad vibe. It really spooked me out, like there was a dark bad energy up there like something bad had happened, as out-there as that sounds. I could not get to sleep thinking about this attic room, and how scared I’d be living there on my own and how I’d never want to go up to the attic room even though I could technically use the space for my self employed venture. I think the anxiety was also because I’d be much nearer to my ex, and would be using the same shops as him, and if he saw me he might realise I was now living nearby. Combined with the fact that the area is next to a high crime estate, and is not within walking distance to shops or cafes and I won’t have a car, just made me feel very worried about it. I decided not to go ahead and the knot disappeared and I feel greatly relieved.

The only problem is I still need to find somewhere affordable that accepts a cat and my current work situation, which is proving very difficult. I looked round a flat at the weekend that was just a kitchen, a bedroom and a tiny shower room. No lounge or anything. It was the size of a bedsit, and not cheap. The landlady had a greedy vibe which put me off on top of how cramped it would be in there. Earlier I went to look round the dirtiest flat I’ve ever seen – cracks in the wall, mould, ground in food and dirt and big clumps of hair stuck to the shower, it was disgusting and really expensive! I am shocked that people live like that, it turned my stomach. And clearly the landlord hasn’t fixed damp or cleaned it up so he is partly to blame too.

I’ve booked in a few more places. I just get nervous when they ask about my job. I’ll see how they go.

Anyway, I just thought it was interesting that I got such a strong bodily reaction to that house. I had the exact same symptoms when I was in a relationship with my ex – insomnia, lost a lot of weight as I couldn’t eat, kept wanting to vomit, crying, depression and panic not realising it was all due to him. The house seemed to have the same effect on me. I am convinced that I have a very sensitive intuition and gut that can pick things up that my conscious mind cannot. I think we all have it but we mostly are not tuned in. When I left my ex I promised myself that I’d always follow my gut because I’d ignored it with him and it turned out to be 100% accurate.

[AppleNinja]

Sunshine, you’re going through such tough times!

I’ve just had several proper c****y months (actually a couple of years) when I thought everything bad is happening to me.

Being a geek, I bought a few Bear Grylls’ books (I know – it sounds silly…) but they gave me strength. In one of them was Winston Churchill’s quote from his famous speech and this became my mantra:

Emergency mantra: “Never, never, never give up.”

And a slightly extended version: “Never give in–never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.”

And “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

So please Sunshine never give up & keep going, keep posting on here!

Best of luck,
AppleNinja

[Ayanna]

Well done for listening to your gut feeling.
Something major must be looming in that house.
Keep imagining what you want to find for a place to live.
It will come.

[lover of no contact]

Love that Appleninja “Never yield to force, never yield to the apparently mighty force of the enemy”. ” Never give in, never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty.”

I haven’t heard that before. That was my downfall, I yielded to my abuser’s force, I gave-in. I gave into coercion.

I have improved though and have withstood great pressure from my ex in recent years. The pressure they exert can be so hard to bear but what I have found it does pass, if we resist. I thought the pressure would always be there it felt so relentless and he had all my children apply the pressure as well. That was so hard to resist. But resist I did. And it did stop and now he has moved unto someone else.

The ‘pressure’ does pass.

Just felt I had to comment on that.

[SunshineRainflower]

You ladies are all so awesome, it has really made me smile seeing all your replies to my housing woes so thank you all for being so great and understanding and supportive about it! 🙂

Apple Ninja I love your quote, I actually have a very similar quote on a wall hanging by the Dalai Lama. Life has been so so hard this year that I have regularly found myself just wondering about suicide (sorry to be so dark) because I have found it hard to see any light in all the darkness and each day there seems to be new challenges without much luck with anything. I was talking to my friend this evening who is also looking for work and she keeps having interviews but not getting the job and we both agreed we just have to keep going.

I have had more housing difficulties this week, sometimes I wonder if the universe is testing me. I found a flat I actually liked, it is clean and spacious, accepts my cat, is in a great area and just in budget. The only thing was the mattress is old and a bit grim and the flat could do with a paint as it’s tired looking and well lived in. I can easily cope without the paint but I definitely need a clean mattress for basic hygiene reasons so I rang up to apply and said I would like to apply and I was happy to buy my own mattress if the landlord wouldn’t mind disposing of the old one (which looks like it’s not been replaced for 20 years).

Unfortunately the letting agent seems to be the agent from hell. She said if I bought a mattress I’d have to leave it there, which seems crazy to me. Either they buy it and it stays there, or I buy it and keep it. She got shifty and irritable whenever I asked any questions about the flat, and kept pressuring me to pay some very high non refundable fees for referencing. I just wanted clarification of a few things before forking out over a thousand pounds in fees, deposit and rent but she seemed very irritated that I had any questions at all. I asked if the landlord would accept me applying for the small amount of housing benefit I am entitled to due to my health (depression). It would mean I’d be working part time and getting a small amount of benefit to help me out. At first she avoided the question twice, then said the landlord would prefer if I didn’t apply for the benefit, and then angrily said he would refuse any benefit due to his mortgage. It was like she was making it up without even asking the landlord as she said a different thing each time without speaking to him.

She rang me up angrily asking me to pay the (non refundable) application fees now and says she’s showing the flat to someone else and if they apply and the landlord prefers them I’ll lose it. There is a chance that if I pay those fees they may still refuse to rent me the flat and they will keep the fees!! I fear this might happen if they find out that I currently claim one type of benefit as they are clearly 100% anti any benefits whatsoever. I feel like I’m being bullied and abused all over again! She really is so rude and unpleasant and I don’t feel I can trust her. I am just thinking that if I rent this place and there is ever a problem, ie a leaky tap, she will kick up a fuss and no doubt find some reason to keep my deposit at the end of the tenancy.

I like this flat but if I apply for it they won’t let me have any benefits, even though I am entitled to them due to my mental health. So it feels very discriminatory, I’d be forced to cover the full rent myself with my parents help which just adds even more stress.

Unexpectedly I found another agent at a different agency who was incredibly so nice, kind and understanding I cried to her down the phone about my situation as I was so upset about how hard it’s been to find anywhere and how cruel a lot of people are having blanket bans on pets and any benefits! She was so great and said half their landlords accept benefits and pets. She said in the past she had been where I am now and knew how hard it was and I felt like she totally got it. I have a viewing with one of their properties tomorrow which accepts cats and housing benefit which seems a much better option since they are treating me with respect and not blocking me from renting or applying for benefit due to snobbery. I just have to hope that I like the property and it’s clean and safe etc. It’s such a strange situation to be in as I am a very well educated professional and the benefit is due to my mental health, yet they treat me as if I am some hideous thug who will smoke and drink day and night and trash the place, it’s very disorientating and sickening to encounter such blatant prejudice as I am very domesticated, educated, clean and tidy and neither drink nor smoke nor have I ever lost a deposit or paid any of my bills late.

I have three more properties to view, I am worried none will be suitable but I refuse to be bullied into paying fees to this bully of an agent. I think it’s better if I find somewhere that accepts housing benefits and my cat to give me piece of mind about my finances while I get back on my feet again and to know that I’ll be dealing with an agent and landlord who treat me like a human being rather than a bag full of cash.

[Author]

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