This topic contains 7 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Iwantmeback 1 month ago.

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  • #102022
     Ssss 
    Participant

    I am deflated… I have tried..i thought would end when I left.. Now I see no escape.. I carnt do this no more.. I am living in fear

  • #102033
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi Ssss, you were on last year when I was on too. Ìm saddened to hear you’re struggling. No leaving doesn’t make it all go away, but it’s so much better than living with him. I remind myself that when I’m having my wobbles, when I speak to him and he sounds different but I know he’s not changed. Keeping up the charade fir me to change my mind, to go back. Not once has it crossed my mind that ive made a mistake, yes I’ve wanted my life back, but then I remember what that life entails, but I’ve never thought I’ve made a mistake. Living in fear of him finding where ìm moving to,fearing, if he comes here I’ll need to phone the police, it never stops, we’ve been so used to trying to protect ourselves by whatever means necessary. I’m starting to feel trapped because of this virus we’re living with just now, trapped like I was, living with him. I don’t want to feel like that, its so tiring.
    Keep posting stay safe, do whey you have to do. We’re here for you.
    IWMB 💞💞

  • #102038
     Ssss 
    Participant

    Hi iwmb yes I remember you.i am not struggling with my x.. I have finally seen him for what he is.. I have got me children with me and the older ones are behaving like their father..although lockdown is making everyone a little crazy.. They have been behaving like this for a while… At the moment they are ruling the house.. I am unable to say anything to them for fear of the reporcusions…. Tonight I asked them to go to bed 2345 he is not (detail removed by moderator) and he the stuff outside.. And then locked me out… Walked upstairs throwing everything down the stairs throwing things a the door pulling curtains down.. Told me to f**k off c**t and kill myself.. And what’s it got to do with me..an hour later I went into bedroom to check on younger child and was told to get out of his bedroom and stay away.. He was shouting so loud I had to leave but could not check on my other child.. As he was loudly swearing at me now.. He said swearing is not doing anything wrong but hitting him with a stick is. I haven’t.. But his dad used to say that… Hes saying when I finish with telling everyone what you do to me they will take us all awY… I carnt actually take this anymore.. His father used to torture me and drive me out of house… I stayed so long and the kids have turned into him.. I’ve tried so hard with them… I think its a loosing battle.. I didn’t leave to be tortured by my own kids..

     

  • #102097
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    Hi there………please go to the Book List thread and starting reading or viewing some of the youtubes. I just put some new ones up there.

    Unfortunately we can’t control how our kids react or turn out. I wish that was true but it isn’t. They make choices on their own, too. I hope you have a support system because you desperately need one. You are the parent, the adult in that household and regardless of how hard it is, you have to have boundaries and very consequences when bad behavior presents itself. Not okay for a child to abuse a parent. Just not.

    The youtubes that I put up on that thread today would be very good for you to watch. The same responses that are needful in regards to the adult are quite necessary when dealing with an abusive child. It’s so hard being all locked up, it is. Tempers flare, no one likes being caged, etc. But just as much as energy is expended with them abusing you, you have to expend energy right back and go No, not having it, really not. Not going round and round but these are the rules/boundaries, once busted, these are the consequences. They will be enforced. I love you. I am committed to getting us to a place of sanity, peace and wellbeing.

    Sometimes I see the generations over the past few decades trying to be a friend to their children instead of being a parent. We are a parent – first. Of course we can be their friend as well. I see wayyy too much negotiation, boundaries that aren’t there or that move (which makes a child angry, btw, because they are not equipped to truly take care of themselves so they feel unsafe and lash out) parents who don’t want to make their children mad at them, place their kids actually an equal basis to them which is sooo not healthy. And on it goes. The children are looking for security. All of this is not that. They will stomp about, try and bust your boundaries but they have to stay in place – for their wellbeing and security and for your sanity.

    Most of the time a child will get weary of trying to ram your gates but you have to hold out, you cannot give in, at all. Nannie 911 told us all about that one! LOL! We have to be consistent. They know the buttons to push, seen it done by the other one. They are mirroring behavior and all that. It’s not a losing battle, just a hard one but anything that’s worth something in this world is going to be a hard battle. We learn from our many mistakes, otherwise we’d never have a success. All successful people know that one. Light up that fire in your belly. Place a candle in there. You’ll warm right up. We’re all here to rally around you because we’ve all been there. It all begins with you – believing in You. Baby steps……..one foot in front of the other one…X*X

  • #102107
     Ssss 
    Participant

    Hi braelynn.. Thanks for replying.. I will look into reading lists.. And utube.. Although I did used to read lots and have some books.. I fi d it difficult to focus.. But I will make more of an effort.. What you say makes perfect sense.. I kno I should have boundaries.. But my child has learned from my x and is so manaliputive.. I try to put boundaries in place and he just laughs in my face..

  • #102170
     Braelynn 
    Participant

    Who laughs, your child? How old? Ever watch Nanny 911? Might be good to look up old vids of that show. They laugh as long as there are no real consequences that “hurt” and not talking about beating them upside the head but you have to find out what their currency is. You don’t yell or anything like that just calmly state the rules and there will be swift and painful consequences then you have to do the consequences. Of course they will laugh if that’s not going on. Life in the world isn’t going to care about them for the most part so they do whatever out there to bust boundaries and break rules the consequences can be nasty. It’s our duty to teach them that busting boundaries has a price. Don’t care if your father busted them or anyone else did but you’re not doing it. Then thoroughly reward them for all the good things. You are the parent, not his best mate. You could be that but first and foremost – a parent.

    Hard time focusing? It’s called depression…….. Take it in bits. Watch some, read some and then come back to it. It’s good to figure out if you learn better by reading, or something visual? I am more of a visual learner. I speed read so I can read something very very fast but when it comes to me really needing to dwell on something better, I need to hear someone that I can follow easily so it goes in. I can’t listen to everyone either. I click off real quick when I don’t like their style, the tone of their voice, etc.

    Take whatever B vitamins you have, that helps. Magnesium helps. Watch your self critic. Very annoying little creature inside our brains. I’ve taken him out and strangled him a few times. I get enough from the outside world so I don’t need that nag going off in me head 24/7 but you have the power to stop that one. Hold your thoughts captive. Good rule of thumb. This is my castle, I rule here, no one else! My life last time I checked so I will be checking anyone that comes on my grounds and sounds off with the nasty towards me. And no, I won’t be crucifying myself and self sabotage and all that either because life is precious and just not into it. I might be a martyr in another life but not in this one thank you very much!

  • #102303
     Ssss 
    Participant

    My child laughs at me the is a young teen…. And one who is almost reaching a milestone bday… They both have learned lots from their father…. But I try to give consuquenses… Eg take WiFi off.. I get swore at for that and he then gets verbal and physical… And it’s very difficult not to give in to that.. Which I don’t wNt to but for safety’s sake…. Anyway… I am going to look up nanny 911 and watch..

  • #102304
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi Ssss, go mama. I know how hard it is to not react in the way we did with our partners but these are our children, they cannot hurt us in the same way. My children actually told me they were glad there were boundaries, yes they tried to push them but they now respected that we(I)wouldn’t be bullied.
    IWMB 💞💞

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