No fight left in me

[orchid7]

Hi ladies, been separated a long long while now. Was strong in the beginning and had lots of motivation to let go. But recently these past few months I’ve been struggling, now he has contacted me too and it’s made it even worse. Just don’t have that adrenaline that I had in the beginning to power through and away. Scared I am just slipping back as I’m too tired to fight it anymore. It’s like I’m waiting for him to contact too. I don’t want to but I feel I am. I feel vulnerable and just hoping I don’t contact him in a weak moment. How do I snap out of this when I don’t have the fire in my belly to carry on xx

[nbumblebee]

Im sitting on my stairs waiting watching for him to come ho.e see what mood he is in today Hes not talking to me as I dared work and wasnt home when he got home. He tells me he wants a divorce as he hates me working!! Apparently I should be at home cleaning looking after him.
I will them most likely be asked for sex and when i say no i will be called all sorts of names he may push me or again demand a divorce as apparently as his wife im supposed to have sex as and when. I hate hearing that front door I hate weekends when he drinks i hate going out with mutual friends when he shows off.
He makes me feel worthless.
Remember all that? Remember that fear that dread that useless feeling he made you feel. The hurt the disgust the pain the why. Remember all that when you miss him when you think you miss him its not him you miss or want its the idea of him the nice parts bit you know somewhere deep down inside it wasnt nice and he wont change. Im tired too sweetie Im so done but we have to keep fighting whether we are still here or we have escaped we will always have to fight on no matter how tired we get.
Its there deep within you that fight you just gotta push past this to feel it again xxxx

[orchid7]

Hello, gosh that has bought a tear to my eye 🙁 but a well needed reminder. The why, the drinking, the dread, hating every single day and weekend and going out and everything. Thank you xx so sorry that you are living this 🙁 xx

[nbumblebee]

I hope it helped sweetie hang on in there you got this xxxx

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Orchid7

I wonder if you remember the tipping point that made you leave, or were there many?

I know many say that keeping lists of all the nasty things, of all the hate, of the name-calling, of the pushing, shouting, even the cold and disregarding, the silent treatment, the huge brewing tempers and tensions, scared to put a foot wrong, the way you used to have to live every day?

Many women do go back, so don’t be too hard on yourself. We understand that here only too well, but it may be worth bearing in mind that it is often an awful lot worse once you do and that mask starts to slip again, because, you see, you escaped his clutches once, his controls will have to be so much tighter next time, and so will the punishments be harder.

Maybe if you can think back to when you were sat indoors scared and anxious at the moment you were going to leave, and the strength it took you to get out. What you need now is just more space, the space to let go of it all, more space than you probably know what to do with, become friends with that space and gradually you will start to occupy it on your own.

warmest wishes

ts

[orchid7]

Hi twister sister thank you for your reply. I wrote out a list last night after these messages on here, gave me a boost to battle this. I looked back and remembered those last few nights and the space I felt after leaving too, it felt good and the more I stayed there the bigger the space got x thank you xx

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