24th March 2020 at 3:56 pm #99741Random.Participant
Has anyone else gotten to the stage where you were being violentally attacked one night then still for some reason find yourself not leaving like you keep promising yourself you would the next time hes violent? Instead reverting back to walking on eggshells & resuming the same roles, where hes the dominant one & you’re just the doormat that is trying to keep the peace?
This happened to me, attacked 1 night then the next night, after I had my bath to soothe the various aches & bruising that resulted from his attack I then stood in the kitchen making him food for work then cooking dinner for us & cleaning our home, while he obnoxiously played on his phone, made snide remarks to me, even saying he wasn’t apologising for the night before cause he’d already done that jeeze.. He spent the whole night just saying how much hes going to struggle with all of this now happening in the world & I need to be more understanding or if I have an opinion I share apparently I need to ‘stop being naggy?!’
Im just so baffled. I promised myself I would leave it it happened again and it was more terrifying than I have seen him for a while too. He used to be apologetic after the assaults, now its nothing, just stress straight after again!
Sorry for ranting ladies
I just don’t understand.
24th March 2020 at 4:11 pm #99743fizzylemParticipant
Hi R, this sounds dreadful to be living with; sounds like maybe you’ve numbed out.
The thing to understand here is that this is abuse and unacceptable – not to try and understand him; he will always move the goal posts, find some reason to attack you – because he can while you remain there for him to do it; I would assume now he is violent and will attack again, this is who he is, history has shown you this now and there’s really no moving forwards together is there after this. This man is out of control and this is frightening.
Please call the helpline today; can you stay with friends or family? If not then you can go into refuge x
24th March 2020 at 8:45 pm #99750LisaMain Moderator
Hi there Random, I am sorry to hear this. It certainly sounds as though the abuse is escalating, unfortunately it is very common for abuse to escalate over time.
Fizzylem is absolutely right, you will never understand why he is behaving this way; but he is choosing to be abusive. There is never an excuse for him to do this. You are never responsible.
You can also access some support from Women’s Aid through the Live Chat
24th March 2020 at 8:51 pm #99751KIP.Participant
I got to this stage where it became extremely dangerous. He is so sure of himself and his power over you that he doesn’t even see any point in trying to hook you back in because he sees how vulnerable you are. It’s a deep and dangerous contemp for you and the law. An entitled behaviour that he will escalate time and time again. Ring the police and report him.
24th March 2020 at 8:51 pm #99752HunkyDoryParticipant
Hi Random, yes, I was exactly the same. Attacked one night then making dinner the next. I still haven’t fully rationalized it but so far I see that it was a combination of fear (what he’d do to me if I told him I wanted us to separate), and feeling sorry for him – no friends, no family in this country. After I joined this forum, I learned about the fog – fear, obligation and guilt. I read up on it and it described me to a tee.
For me the violence escalated suddenly and I was fortunate enough to see him leave the day after back to his country. I know now he would eventually have killed me, I’m sure of it and I so wish I’d got away before I did. But I’m happy now. Still miss the nice part of him occasionally but not much.
You deserve so much more in your life, we all do. We owe them nothing. The relief when you’re out – the realisation you are free to be yourself is immense. Please be careful but try to start thinking about how to leave.
Big hugs xx
25th March 2020 at 11:10 am #99768Random.Participant
Thank you for all your responses, reading your replies back definitely gives me a tiny glimmering hope that I’m not just blowing everything out of proportion & absolutely losing my mind, or just being completely heartless & selfish as he always refers to me. I think where you’ve said fizzylem about the numbness is right, there’s just no point trying to feel anything else now.
Family are unfortunately on the opposite side of the country & I used to have friends until he always found an issue with them, now we just have his & he constantly b*****s about them which is draining, major trust issues & ‘everyone’s a snake’ apparently so we only see them briefly before we have to get back home for no reason.
You’re all so right there is zero point trying to understand because what he wants CONSTANTLY changes.
It’s not even a day it changes in, it’s more often one minute something we do can be the right way to respond then the next it’s the absolute worse possible thing we could have done & it all blows up into a massive row..
It’s all just such a constant uphill battle.
It came to hiding out in 1 bedroom feeling anxious as hell & just trying to ignore him, as he stormed off & was getting aggressive again (detail removed by moderator) all because I (detail removed by moderator).
I’m going to start looking into refuge options now I think.
It amazes me how strong all your women are, you’ve all been through it & have come out with understanding, I only hope the same happens with me at some point down the line.
26th March 2020 at 9:42 pm #99842MimosaParticipant
Keep safe and get help. I never thought I would get out and be one of the ones on the other side, it took me a few years from when I was first on here. I just read some of my posts from back then and I love that woman I was for keeping going. I wrote:’Little steps, every day brings me more back into being myself. And one day I’ll be brave enough to scoop up my darling children and leave him!’ and I did it! So can you because this is horrible and it will only get worse. Constant contradictions and criticism become the norm, like he says I have to have an omelette every day, so you get loads of eggs and always have some ready and then you’ll get ‘I said I never wanted to eat eggs again, why do we have all these eggs! You know I am allergic to eggs anyway, you’ve done this on purpose, you’re an idiot, you’re evil, you’re f*cking the egg stacking person at the supermarket on the egg stack!!! (I made this up, but experienced a million similar things). It is tragic that they are so empty they have to do this to get a fix.
I was totally numb at the end, didn’t express any emotions, permanent poker face. My fear mechanism was dulled so much I accepted things that I would have thought ‘Danger! Run!’ about earlier in the relationship. I read Gavin de Becker ‘The Gift of Fear’ which helped me to understand some of that stuff. Trust your gut. It is wrong and you have done nothing to deserve this treatment. You are not on your own, you have us, we know all the things they are capable of and nothing surprises us. You can do this. The Freedom Programme is brilliant and there is information online for free whilst things are not available. But plan carefully and keep safe, especially online.
PS KIP – It hadn’t ever occurred to me that the honeymoon period disappeared because he didn’t need to use it anymore! I always wondered why he dropped it, but I was so mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted and shut down he had no need to use more energy, of course! Thank you!
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