No idea what’s normal anymore

[Downnotout]

I’ve lost a grip on reality, no idea what’s ok or what isn’t anymore.

Live with partner who along with constantly telling me we wouldn’t have a house if it wasn’t for him, he put all the deposit in, he’s spent lots on (removed by moderator) etc etc … even though he earns way more we still split everything down the middle.

Latest drama is he’s found  (removed by moderator) whilst I was out, (removed by moderator) went through everything (removed by moderator). Bearing in mind none of these are from when we were together but in some cases years before him.
He’s now throwing constantly conversations in my face, who different people are, photos, so much personal stuff which he had no right to look at at. Now I’m the one getting screamed at for not telling him about stuff.
Is this normal? He’s saying vile things ( that’s not unusual)
I’m so confused on reality now

[Lisa]

Hi Downnotout,

It’s not normal behaviour, what you describe is abuse. It’s unacceptable for him to look through your private things in the first place. You’ve done nothing wrong, there is nothing you could have done to deserve this kind of treatment. He is using what he found to berate you and be nasty as part of his controlling abuse. Abusers will use whatever they can to keep themselves in a position of power.

Questioning your sense of reality and feeling confused are very common impacts of abuse. Posting here can be a good way to check in with others about what’s happening. You could also contact your local domestic abuse service for some ongoing support.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[tiredofitall]

Wow, this took me back. Not long after I was married (a long time ago) my husband found some photos and diaries from before we met. He went on and on about things in those diaries and those photos that in the end I got rid of them all in an attempt to prove that they didn’t mean anything to me. Cut to many years later and it is clear to see that this was one of the many things that I would have to concede / change in order to avoid arguments. Because he wanted to argue and he wanted issues and he would find ways to find fault with just about anything and everything. If I told him someone had appreciated something I did at work, he would praise me at first but then it would become passive aggressive comments about them fancying me (and they absolutely didn’t) or some hidden agenda. It could never be that I did that good piece of work and they appreciated it. He found ways over and over to belittle me, to criticise those I cared about and tried to isolate me. What kept me with him for so long (my sense of loyalty) also stopped me from being isolated because I just couldn’t cut ties with my family or the people I worked with.
You know in your heart this isn’t right. A counsellor once asked me to look at his behaviour from the point of view of a friend telling you it happened to them. What would you think then?

[Hereforhelp]

Oh I want to hug you… when you loose your sense of reality which you explain so clearly… I was there and it made me mentally and physically ill..
Hen’s definitely abusing you and it is not normal or healthy in any relationship.

He is flexing his power and self importance and belittling you with he finances… this is very common, ny husband did this on a regular basis.

As you said with going down your photos etc… It is HIM in the wrong, he has no right to do that, you are correct. Because he thinks he is entitled to (control and power from him) he is angry at you to dare question him as he puts himself above you.

You do not deserve any of this, it isn’t your fault and you cannot make him change. My husband made me believe that I was mad, as in truly mad… 2 decades of losing my self/sense of reality through being mentally battered (like mental torture drip drip)… I am out now, free from that torture and I am not crazy, I never was…
Don’t loose yourself… Trust your gut, you wrote your post as your gut knows things are wrong, you’re not happy.. you deserve to be happy
HFH ❤️

[Downnotout]

Thank you. I’m now being called a w***e, f’ing r****d, and loads of other stuff.
My biggest issue leaving is not having the money for the legal fees for the house . He knows this. If we’d been renting then im pretty sure I’d be gone after the first assault. I say that…. Yet here I still am.

[Downnotout]

Oh and now discovered he took screenshots of messages, friends etc and has those on his phone. So photos of my private messages etc.

[smallbutbrave]

I have had something simillar. He somehow managed to work out the password to my old computer (one I wasn’t using at the time) and found lots of old photots of me with an ex before me met and saved all the pics?! He also got in my facebook account from years ago and founds private messages from before we met and (detail removed by Moderator) years later still holds it agaisnt me. He has saved everything, every picture and every conversation. It’s twisted. He uses it agaisnt me all the time… Even last night.

[Downnotout]

This can’t be normal behaviour, I’m so sorry you’re going through it too . Nothing feels private, even from years ago.

[swanlake]

I’ve been told by legal professionals that it’s possible to get legal aid in cases of domestic abuse. They get back the money when a property is sold.
I’m sorry that you’re going through all this. Everyone has the right to privacy and a past and not to be shouted at so much for anything.

[Downnotout]

Thank you Swanlake, I’ll certainly look into the legal aid side.

[Author]

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