No more fight left in me!!

[Pinkheart]

So my ex husband has moved on very quickly and in with the new love of his life…(as they do!)
He is always trying to cause maximum disruption when it comes to our children.
We haven’t anything legal written up, but he always keeps them longer, gets them to call me asking can they stay longer than the agreed times, this happens quite a lot!
I always say yes because I don’t want the fall out with my children when they get home.
But I feel out of respect it should never get to the point of a call asking to stay longer…I know people like him don’t respect anyone!
Anyway, I just feel now he is slowly trying to destroy me for leaving him and I honestly don’t have anymore fight left in me!
He can offer a family unit and I’m just on my own. He always breaks up my time with our children. Either with a surprise, they need to go somewhere with him etc.
He initially wanted 50/50 and I said no, but I just can’t cope anymore with these games!
I’m not getting quality time with my children. I currently seeking legal advice. Although it kills me the thought of them being with him for (detail removed by moderator), at least if something legal is written up and (detail removed by moderator) he can’t have access on my (detail removed by moderator) days.

[Anonymous]

Hi Pinkheart,

I went through this too. My ex also told me that if I threatened to take him to court he would have (detail removed by moderator) days, then I would have (detail removed by moderator) days.
I’ve never heard of a legal child arrangement like this. I think my ex said that as a threat. Where would the children go while he is working.
You are here because you experience domestic abuse. What kind of ‘family life’ would he provide? And are your children being coerced or manipulated to call you to stay longer?
He is still being controlling and continuing the abuse through your children. Are you able to make plans of your own? Or are you constantly waiting to hear back about when you will have the children back?
I’m so sorry you are going through this xx

[KIP.]

Time to dig deep. He’s playing father of the year probably to impress the new victim but also he knows how it makes you feel. Time to set boundaries for the kids. They will mess you around too with his backing. They’re learning how to manipulate you from him. Stand your ground. A legal access contract is really needed but in the meantime switch your phone off when the kids go so they can’t change the return times. He’s going to mess you around at every opportunity. He hasn’t really moved on, or else he wouldn’t still be fixating on how to upset you. Get a support network round you. Friends family neighbours women’s aid solicitor. get something yourself in writing that’s he’s agreed to and make sure you’re the resident parent legally or he can simply keep the children. keep a journal so that you have evidence of how he won’t stick to the agreement and that’s the reason you have to get a legal agreement. Start as you mean to go on.

[Pinkheart]

Thank you for responding. I constantly feel like I’ve got to plan stuff for when I have my children, otherwise he will try and make arrangements.
He also does this when I book annual leave. He will ask can he have them for something in the middle of my week, so he can break that up too! I have started saying no!! Or he’ll constantly call or text then saying he has a surprise etc. It’s really frustrating!! Because I don’t do that to him.
I really need strict boundaries. I’m struggling where to find help?
I’ve been told by a few solicitors it’s difficult for me to do a parental plan without him. I just want to put a plan through his door and for him to sign! I know easier said than done.

[KIP.]

Do your own parental plan and give it to him. Then stick to it rigidly and dont let him push the boundaries. Refuse to swap days. Let the kids know the access plan is there so everyone knows what they’re doing. Don’t answer his calls. Get a spare cheap phone for him alone and switch it off. If he keeps breaking it then your solicitor can put the plan in writing and tell him if he breaks it then you will take him to court. He will keep messing you around for years to come. That’s what they do so you need to take back control. Talk to women’s aid. Use a third party for contact and cut him out your loop. Deny him direct access to you x

[Pinkheart]

We don’t have any contact other than through email re our children’s welfare.
He does try on there to push boundaries and make jokes, but I keep everything straight to the point. I don’t even say hi!
Everything else is through our children. If they ring asking to stay longer etc. I know that’s him manipulating the situation and wanting to cause issues for me if I say no, which he knows I wouldn’t because I don’t want the fall out.

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