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    • #14917
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      Just that. I don’t want this life anymore.

    • #14921
      Inneedofsomepeace
      Participant

      Ooo shiny I’m sending you big hugs. You are doing so well, you’re so strong but I know it maybe doesn’t feel like that right now. Lots of hugs coming your way.

    • #14950
      Serenity
      Participant

      Hi Shiny,

      One day all the enquiries and legal stuff will be over. You won’t have to undergo any examinations or attend any more hearings. You can begin to focus on a different life. Not the old life, where he tried to wreck and dominate- but a completely different life where he is nowhere near, where you are safe and free to be the wonderful person you are, without his poison anywhere near you.

      Hold on to that. That is your goal. Xxxx

    • #14958
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      I can’t hold on to anymore. I want to destroy my disgusting self.

    • #14959
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      Just an empty she’ll if a person living in a disgusting dirty body.

    • #14973
      Serenity
      Participant

      You aren’t. He is.

      He is the filthy one. You have done nothing to feel ashamed about.

      I hope other ladies will offer you some advice here too. I think you really need some special support and therapy to get over his awful treatment of you.

      Your kids need you. You deserve to live a happy life, and you can have one eventually. Please reach out for all the support you can. X*x

    • #14994
      Confused123
      Participant

      Hi Hun

      YOur not disgusting and neither is your body, your not an empty shell, his just destroyed your confidence and self esteem. You have done so well up to now, i think it was your examination today wasnt it,thats bound to have set loads of triggers off and upset u emotionally. Working with the right agenceis will help u so much to recover, i was just saying to my eldset today to receover its not only time u need alone u need specvialized support, you are such a insipiration for your kids that u spoke up and walked away from abuser, dont give up now, we r here to hold your hand

    • #15009
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      What is worse letting him so what he wants in private or letting people I don’t know shove things up me then talk Bout it court. They were so kind to me, but it has all become part of the horror movie in my head. In the nightmares tonight it was them who was bad and we’re trying to hurt me. ..It mixes with ones about him grabbing my hair, and smacking my head down on the work top and then pulling my clothes down while the kids was watching TV next door.
      I don’t want my body anymore. I am not a woman I am a thing…A screw.
      They didn’t ask me to relax because I asked them not to…as this is what he said when he was raping me…just relax baby…you’ll enjoy it if u relax.They told me I was doing well, but even that reminded me of him..He used to say good girl that’s what I like. (detail removed by moderator). The only way to feel clean is to leave my body…I want to be away from this me…The eighteen year old who didn’t even now what would happen on her wedding night, the twenty something too frightened to ever go to the doctor because of all the scars, laying on the sofa bitten, bruised and dirty from him. I HATE MYSELF.Everything Was ok, but now it’s going bad. I’m sorry I’m not so strong as people say. sometimes I imagine myself like a painting that I sw in a gallery. A beautiful woman is dead, her long hair laI’d out, flowers all wound her, floating away. peaceful and pure….Everything I’m not.

    • #15015
      Serenity
      Participant

      Shiny,

      The examination has really upset you. I am so sorry for this.

      Hopefully, this will be the last time you will ever have to undergo anything like that ever again.

      I know how you feel. Knowing what I know now about my ex, I have horror movie type scenarios in my head of when he was being sexually dominant and I feel sickened.

      You are still very much traumatised and you are doing so well. You are such a brave lady.

      Our bodies are houses for something much more important and much more strong: our spirits and our souls. You have an amazing spirit that will mean that your body will be able to heal over time and you will learn to be in touch with your body again and feel able to love it.

      Keep asking for help here- we all worry about you xxxx

    • #15025
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      I can’t do it Serenity.I cant live with it all.

    • #15030
      Serenity
      Participant

      What help are you receiving right now? Are you getting enough support?

      Please call Women’s Aid and ask them to direct you to some support. Can you call your local DV services?

      You can get through this, Shiny, I promise. Do it for yourself, and do it for your beautiful children. Don’t let him win.

      He is nothing. He is worthless and it is he who should be feeling like you. Xxxx

    • #15041
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      Kids are playing so I spent along long time in the bath scrubbing away the dirt….The sin. My own family will never talk to me if this goes to court…They are angry enough about the other charges. They will be ashamed that I an speak about these things publicly. I’m a bit sore..nowhere near as bad as what he did, but it’s reminding me. The lady from refuge went wiv me and that was good.The person I like beat is the police lady but obviously she needs facts not to talk about feelings. I got WA a order,but haven’t found it helpful really. Social worker wants me to get concealing I don’t know…just want a to shut myself away. It’s such h a struggle At the moment. I have these awful thoughts (detail removed by moderator)….I wouldn’t coz of my kids and it’s against my religion but then I start thinking if if I go back to cutting (detail removed by moderator)…I just hate my body so much. I feel like he made sure I wud never forget him. It’s like an ambition to take my kids swimming but I wouldn’t be able to wear normal stuff…I dress modest anyway but even if o wanted to have swim stuff it would be out of the question…coz I look like those pictures u see of slaves after they got whipped. I have begged God to make all the memories go away but they won’t. I don’t even have fiends..what’s the point?

    • #15049
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Oh hun, please be kind to yourself. You are still the same precious person that you were before you met the abuser.
      Do not hate yourself for things that someone else did to you.
      It takes time to learn to love ourselves again after abuse.
      For the court, request that nobody from outside can see the images, only judges, jury, prosecutor, lawyers, not even him. It should be possible to limit the audience for this in order to protect your privacy. You need to speak to the police about this. They will tell you how this is can be done.
      Please do not harm yourself. Give the Samaritans a ring.
      You have been through so much. Counseling would be really good for you. Then you can work through all what has happened and learn to cope with it.
      Hang in there. The time until the court hearings is the worst. Once it is all over life will become easier.
      Keep posting, you are doing so well!
      Big hugs! x*x

    • #15093
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      Thank you all so much. I feel a little bit better…I haven’t cut myself even though I thought I wouldnt be able to resist.I have washed, scrubbed and soaked to try and get the d the disgusting feelings away. It was not nice. It did hurt a bit and I cried all the way through…not coz it hurt but feeling so ashamed and embarrassed. Everyone was nice and they talked to me a lot about every day stuff which helped. It hit me more when I got home really…The feeling that I really burned by bridges with my family….but also the seriousness of everything he did. Now I am out use that a bit more.
      serenity, you talked about physical damage and to me it’s like I would like to separate my body and mind..because one torments the other. when I was laying in the bath the other day it made me think of the first bath I took after he beat me hard and how it was both wonderful and agony at the same time.Do u think I can do this? Can I really get through court? It’s not so long since I had to ask permission to talk to my friends or go to sleep…can really go up against him? The police are saying I can. I don’t know.

    • #15095
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      omg daily mail reporting about some Saudi therapist saying u should only beat ur wife as a last resort…since when is this news. We live this. I even thought it was right for him to beat me. It’s just how it works. I wanna cry.

    • #15104
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Dear Shinebright,

      I am so sorry to read about your situation. I just want to say that you are doing incredibly. Please try and be kind to yourself and be proud of yourself. I am sorry that you feel like you don’t have friends and that your family is not being supportive. You are an inspiration to so many of us here on the forum. Anyone would find what you have been through hard so just keep taking it one day at a time. If you want to talk then remember that you can phone the helpline at any time. They will not judge you or tell you what to do but will offer you kindness, support and advice if you want it.

      We are all here for you.

      Best wishes,

      Lisa

    • #15125
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      Thank u Lisa. Those word mean a lot especI ally when things are really hard. I felt like I was going to stop breathing when I realised they would tell the court I had chlamydia and he would probably try and say I go it off someone else.I f his brothers hear this they will.kill me. For fleeting moments I think I have been a terrible person, that I should have do e something different…tried harder….but it wouldn’t of mattered….I see that now. I just want to stop feeling so used and worthless…that’s all. I want to see him punished too….to suffer the way I have…is that bad?

    • #15126
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      I think I will try to get courage to call the help line.There must be some wayto feel clean again.

    • #15134
      Falling Skys
      Participant

      Hi and hugs xx

      Your post has really moved me.

      You are a beautiful pure soul, that some evil pig tried to destroy.

      I bath in almost boiling water to take the dirt away. But I realise now it’s not me.

      I will be starting rape counselling soon. So is can put the past in order, and get a better future.

      When I am in a safe place I will press charges. I have had wobbles about whether I should or not. But I was with a friend and she broke down because she never reported it and her abuser died and she she will never had closure.

      We are all routing for you.

      FS xx

    • #15145
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      Oh Falling skys I’m sorry. You struck a cord. My oldest daughter laughs at me when I run a bath..always asks me if I’m going to cook myself! I spend literally hundreds of pounds on soaps, disinfectants and cleaning stuff. Being examined mad me feel it all again…when I feel that bad I put lots of detoll in the bath…kids are like what’s that awful smell..ha ha.
      pressing charges is a hard decision. It’s taken me (detail removed by moderator) years to go ahead with other less serious charges. sometimes I think why bother….so long as he stays away from meit’s all ok…but that’s not right. In all liklI hood his family will bring a young girl for him…from our country and he will do the same to her. I was young when we married…but he likes very young women and preferably ones h
      who don’t know anything.He told me all sorts of things that went true but I didn’t know. I would like to think that I cud stop someone else going through this…my big worry is my children knowing what he really is and also people knowing the most vile details….but I want to do it. I thought I was gonna run when they examined me…I never ever been through anything like that..and all the word we running through my head about disobeying or dishonourin my husband but the ladies are been working with are tough not uncaring, but very determined and they got me through. she knows how to hit a nerve coz she always says ..what if it was your daughter..what do u want her to learn from u?
      F’S…I hope ur ok I wish I could make u feel better.sometimes I just wish we would all just stop hurting.

    • #15146
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      Take good care of ur self FS

    • #15152
      Confused123
      Participant

      HI HUn

      U should be so proud of yourself, this is sucha ahard time u going through but u coping so well, sending u loads of hugs, hope u r getting counselling this will help u deal with feeling dirty, it isnt u huin that needs to feel bad, its these eveilpeople that should feel embrassed what they did u. If your family cuts u off, thats there weakness not supporting u in your time of need and not been able to deal with it. I think lots of us find that our families cant cope or deal with it, specially in our asian culture its like they put a blind eye to it all. Go through this all , we will support u as much as you can, def get cousnelling to help u deal with this sexual side of abuse and loving yourself, loving yourself again is part of your recovery

    • #15161
      Forgottensoul
      Participant

      Hi shines bright and hugs x*x

      Am sorry to hear about how your struggling, and I’m not there to make it better.

      But my thoughts are sent your way , I spend many hours in the bath, scrubbing away the dirt that he and his friends leave on me daily , and as I get locked back in my room, I make myself think there is someone out there going through worse than me, ..and that’s you!

      But your so strong, yet you’ve been hurt so much you can’t see it, as for family I’m sorry they took that path, I don’t have family or friends only my partner, so wouldn’t dare be as brave as you, seriously you are brave and strong.

      ❤ & Hugs FS ❤

    • #15162
      Serenity
      Participant

      Hi Shiny,

      Yes, I do believe you can get through this, through court and I think you will find a way of feeling clean again.

      You are a wonderfully strong and pure person, who unfortunately met a monster, but you will find a way to overcome this, so that it doesn’t take over your mind and body like it is now.

      What that way will be, I don’t know. Counselling, talking, support groups, maybe you will find some sort of physical therapy to help your body heal.

      You can do it x*x

    • #15175
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      Thank you all so much. I got through being examined in the worst way and still not cutting..I didn’t think I could . I didn’t have anyone to hold my hand but all your words gave me courage I actually can’t believe I haven’t been in the cupboard to get glass to cut myself….Thank you.

    • #15181
      White Rose
      Participant

      Amazing. Well done, that just shows how strong you are. Leave the glass there. Put an elastic band or hair bobble on your wrist and snap it when you feel the urge to cut. It worked for my daughter and she still uses it successfully now when things get on top of her xx

    • #15230
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Hi Shiny, you are amazing! May the bridges you burn light your way to a beautiful life in freedom! x*x

    • #15244
      Serenity
      Participant

      So glad it went ok, Shiny. You truly are amazing. Life will get better- it truly will x*x

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