This topic contains 2 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  Tired-one 3 weeks, 3 days ago.

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  • #114625
     Tired-one 
    Participant

    I split from my partner (detail removed by Moderator). We have two kids together.hes a drug user and likes to drink.throughout our relationship I felt something wasn’t right. He started off by telling me if I were to go out (detail removed by Moderator) in one weekend he would go out everyday of the weekend from then on. I didn’t go but he continued to be out all weekend.we was only very young and lived seperately. once we had our first child things got worse financially. We lived with my mom first the (detail removed by Moderator) before buying our first home. He said as I had no credit being on the mortgage would mean we would get less so he did it all alone. He never put my name on the house. I’ve been fighting for years to make this happen. It’s never felt like my home, he wouldn’t allow me to pay bills in my name he would say I should just pay him monthly. I felt like a lodger at times. He wouldn’t do anything in the house I did everything, I worked full time came home cooked cleaned and saw to the children dispute him having (detail removed by Moderator) days off due to his work pattern. I started to learn how to do DIY as he wouldn’t do anything. When pregnant with my second my eldest was around (detail removed by Moderator). He accidentally hit his dad with a plastic (detail removed by Moderator), he got angry and my son ran into the kitchen. I quickly followed and got (detail removed by Moderator) behind me, I warned my partner if he hit him not to hit him. He got him (detail removed by Moderator) and I hit my partner to get him away he choked me and I briefly passed out and hit the floor. I came to with my son crying and my partner apologising to us and crying. No more was said about that. Once I had my daughter I stopped working, my partner was giving me £(detail removed by Moderator) a week for the three of us. He earned alot of money and I was regularly in my over draft. We argued alot about it and he said I should ask when I want more. It never seemed right, I wanted us to work together. He would regularly humiliate me Infront of our friends to the point I stopped going out with them all. He cut me off from friends on family but never my mom. We ended up (detail removed by Moderator) together and were very close. He hates my mom, I believe for this reason. Because I always had her.when things got too much I wanted to leave to go to my mom’s and he would stand in the door way, telling me all I could do is run to mommy. He told me regular if I left I would have nothing. He was very hands on with our eldest child and bullied him regular. He’s very active and hyper and my partner couldn’t handle that, I would protect my son often leaving me and my partner arguing.he would then begin to shout at our son and tell him it’s his fault he had caused it and he makes everyone in the house miserable. He would put him down regular. I’ve pleaded with him for years to build a relationship with our son and change his ways. I started to realise after abit things weren’t right with him,his behaviour was up and down more. Normal one day, the next he was chatty overly loving, telling us he wanted to book holidays he wanted to treat us to all these things.the next day we would mention it to him and he was so horrible about it he was vile.and arrogant. I soon come to learn this was the effect of (detail removed by Moderator) (the come down) I kept asking about the drugs but he would lie constantly and made me feel like I was going insane when I know he was taking them. I left him for (detail removed by Moderator) and wouldn’t leave me alone he constantly rang me, visited me at my mom’s. I got speaking to a new male friend and he followed me to find out where he lived. He was relentless, it was tiring and so much easier to go back. I had two kids in one bedroom with me sharing (detail removed by Moderator) it was hard, and he always said I would have nothing. So yes I went back and he promised to put me on the mortgage. I didn’t want to go back but felt I had no choice.over the next (detail removed by Moderator) years things were worse, my name never got put on the mortgage and nothing changed financially.he was still picking on our son. He started getting fit and would poke fun at me for being lazy. He commented on my portions I ate. This left me making myself sick after meals. I went doctors to get help and also expressed how down I felt. I was reffered to a mental health hospital, due to covid I had a telephone appointment. I told them how trapped I felt in the relationship and I wanted to leave but didn’t know how to as I had nothing and he would never leave me alone. They told me I should go to relate for relationship counselling and I was discharged. Over lockdown, some days we had a drink at our home. I woke after drinking heavily to (detail removed by Moderator) on top of me having sex. He panicked jumped off and was crying, he told me he was sorry and didn’t know. I believed him. (detail removed by Moderator) later we drank again, I woke on my front and mand my partner was behind me having sex with me, I was shocked this was happening again I felt sick and ashamed,I never said anything to him. He finished. He got off me, said “(detail removed by Moderator)” And left the room. I never ever told him at that point I knew. He started to sleep downstsirs alot after this. I never wanted to believe it had happened, I loved him I just wanted him to love me back just as much. I wanted a family unit for the kids but again I knew it was all wrong and I was very confused. (detail removed by Moderator) later I had drank again and this time I can’t be sure what happened. I woke up and my bottom was sore,I had no trousers or pants on. I went to the toilet and I was bleeding from the back I also had a hemmoroid.i asked him if we had had sex but he said no he slept on the sofa. I was sure if it had happened I would of woke up to it. All sorts were going through my head, I questioned if maybe I had been drugged. As time has gone on I never wanted to say anything , I still wanted him to sort himself out for the children, reporting him to police was not an option as he was the kids dad. Throughout the years he told me if I reported him for the way he treats the kids he would tell them about my mental health and how depressed I got and they would see me as an unfit mother and take my kids away from us both. I was scared and believed it. Now I have left again, I’m at my mom’s. he has harrassed me for weeks, calls, voicemails, text messages, WhatsApp emails, he was relentless. I was intouch with an old friend and again he wouldn’t accept it, he tracked me off my phone and found out where I was visiting this person. He went to his road with a (detail removed by Moderator) and was also threatening (detail removed by Moderator). I contacted police and after days of me stressing to them he’s not stopping I finally had a break down I called them and pleaded with them to help me. They arrested him and let him go after him admitting the (detail removed by Moderator) incident and admitting to sending all the (detail removed by Moderator). He was told he was not to contact me but did as soon as he left the station. (detail removed by Moderator) I had to report it to the police and tell them what he said. They asked if it was true and I said yes. Everything has come out now and it was a relief at first. I was promised loads of help, womens aid, social lservices, (detail removed by Moderator) later and I’m still alone. He has denied it and I’ve been told I don’t stand a chance with the case as there is no evidence and it doesn’t help that I carried on with him after the rape and also the fact I was drunk. This is why I never acted in the first place I knew I never stood a chance. I’m now left feeling like he’s the victim and I’m the suspect. The children have also told police he hits them. There’s still no restraining order in place and he’s still free to see the kids despite them not wanting to see him. Just feel like we are so alone in this. Has anyone else been through similar or can anyone advise me what I can do? Right now I feel like he was right all along. I am useless and I’ve ended up with nothing for me and the kids.

  • #114628
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Find out about a non molestation order which is a restraining order through the civil courts. Rights of women offer free legal advice. It’s harrassment if he continues to contact you after you have told him not to and that’s Illegal. Keep all the messages and evidence and keep reporting him to the police until they do something. Make an official complaint if they don’t act. You can do this on the police website. Contact victim support for assistance and don’t give up. Speak to,women’s aid about your right to stop contact between him and your children for their own safety and yours. Ring the national domestic abuse helpline.

  • #114674
     Tired-one 
    Participant

    He’s now called round telling people his side of the story and people are turning against me. This is all so hard I feel so alone it’s unreal. If I was to walk around with bruises then people would understand me more but as I don’t people just think I’m being a mom that just uses her kids to get at her ex. They don’t want to see him and have also told police what he’s been like with them. I had a call from domestic abuse about a restraining order but that was last week. I’ve heard nothing since. People keep telling me to be strong but I’m finding it all so hard

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