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[Beautifulday]

Just thought I’d give a little update.
For those who know im in the process of leaving an abusive Husband, after broaching the subject of not being happy to him for weeks and nkt being able to cope with his outbursts and no compromise or discussion i filed for divorce (detail removed by Moderator), I honestly don’t know where the courage came from and ive since been a bag of nerves, she’s drafting the letter.

(detail removed by Moderator) I knew I had to tell him that letters will be on the way and all day was nervous waiting for him to get home , I waited until he had ate his dinner as he “doesnt like to be disturbed” eating his food. He then had some (detail removed by Moderator) so there was a small window of opportunity to tell him. I said can we talk he carried on looking at his phone said (detail removed by Moderator).
I said I had spoken to a solicitor and started the divorce process and a letter should be arriving soon. I honestly thought he was going to blow up, get angry, cry, grovel, plead he doesn’t want to lose me. But you know what? He carried on looking at his phone 🙁 i said (detail removed by Moderator) His reply was (detail removed by Moderator). This i think confirmed my belief that he doesn’t care about me.

He was calm as a cucumber and all he said was ok.

When I gave the reason why said I can’t live like this its making me ill, you don’t allow me to do anything in the home or make it nice and a home to be proud of there was nothing from him .

I told my close friend and she said if he cared and really loved me he would be devastated would be saying he didn’t know I felt this way, would want to work through the problems etc. But nothing from him, no remorse, no tears he just carried on doing what he was doing and I left the room. I just feel numb like thr past (detail removed by Moderator) did he ever care about me at all? Why marry me?
Did anyone else have this reaction?

[KIP.]

You’re going to have many reactions. He thinks he can control you to do what he wants and because you’re still living there he doesn’t have to engage with you. He’s trying this to get you to back down and engage again. He’s fishing to see if you’re serious and what your next move is. I had everything from silence, to trapping in rooms, to pleading, to threatening, to offering to get help, to finally a violent assault. Don’t engage with him again. Don’t tell him anything. He’s not going to make this easy no matter what he says and he will be plotting your punishment and you just won’t see it coming so think about you and your safety and your wellbeing. Talk to your local women’s aid too x

[Beautifulday]

@KIP
Thank you so much for your reply.

I honestly think he couldn’t care less 🙁 but I dont trust him as before he was telling me he’d burn the house down so I wouldn’t get any money etc so he’s very crafty and has a split personality.
Its just this wierd calmness has thrown me a little. Almost makes me feel im making a big deal of nothing. I just honestly think that anyone who really loved you and cares for you would do anything possible to talk and discuss tidily. He was more concerned with looking at his phone 🙁

[KIP.]

Do not make the mistake of thinking that he thinks and behaves as you do. He is a totally different creature. For him it’s about control. He still feels in control. Once the letter arrives and the control is wrenched away from him you will see what you’re dealing with. You’ve already heard his threat and don’t underestimate them. Very often the threats they speak is what they do. These men do not bond the way we do. He will be upset he’s losing control not that he’s losing a lengthy relationship. You could be me and I could be you. He doesn’t care. You are his and you should be doing what he wants. My ex was busy emptying the bank account too. So protect yourself financially. He can run up debt in both your names until you’re legally separated. Try to think with your head and not your heart.

[Beautifulday]

Hi @KIP
Im definitely trying to think with my head and not my heart even though its so hard.
Luckily we never got a joint account and ivr slways kept my own account. He’s never told me anything about any of his money or savings, I have no idea how many accounts he has, if he has savings or scything! Its all a mystery and I know it was his way as you say of keeping control.

The more I think back on our relationship now the more I can see it was always as though he tried to knock me down a peg or two. I have a good job, I went to uni, I did a lot with my life before I met him and was very social had a large social circle I think he secretly was jealous of all my accomplishments and job etc and gradually over the years he’s tried to push me down, I can see this now as he’s getting in in life whilst I’m just stagnating and not getting anywhere x

[KIP.]

That’s exactly what happened to me. Abusers stunt our growth deliberately. He won’t have been secretly jealous he will have let you know in subtle ways of put downs and obstacles. Sometimes not so subtle. Have you spoken to a solicitor about what you’re entitled to. You can bet he will be hiding any cash or savings so if you can get copies of any bank statements etc when he’s out take photos of them. He will have to produce details for the court but if you have them it will make things easier. Get your marriage certificate and any other documentation you can.

[Beautifulday]

Hi Kip
yes ive been in touch with my solicitor for the past 2 weeks and she’s currently drafting the divorce letter. I told her I want it done as swiftly as possible, I’ve agreed that he will buy me out as hes refused for me to buy him out and I know that if I do stay in the home and buy him out he will make hell and problably be turning up all the time, so I had a good think about it and thought its best I move out then he wont know where I’ve gone. I just want to get shot of the house now I did love it but not anymore too many bad memories.
with regards to getting his money I’m happy with getting the amount he buys me out for I don’t want any of his secret savings I’ve told the solicitior this not only because it will draw the process out and I have to live with him while all this is going on so it will be a nightmare and I want it over asap, but also I know that it will be thrown in my face that I’m a money grabber etc. ive never had no money off him the whole relationship so certainly don’t want it now. we were only married a short amount of time if it were decades and he had life savings, pensions etc then maybe I would consider it but I just don’t want it to go on any longer than it has to.

[KIP.]

Use his money as a bargaining chip because he’s not going to go quietly. Whatever you want he will want the opposite. If he makes things difficult then he will have to disclose all his hidden money to the courts. If he’s agreed to buy you out then nothing is certain. My ex agreed to all sorts of things then changed thE goal posts and just did everything to drag it ouT regardless. Make sure your solicitor knows he’s abusive. She shouldn’t be taking this long. My first solicitor took a month and it was a month of hell and high anxiety for me. If she had the first clue about abuse then she’d prioritise your letter.

[Beautifulday]

hi Kip

we have only been discussing the past 2 weeks, she’s taken a day to draft the letter it was sent to me I had to make adjustments, she is doing that today and will send it to me tomorrow. it will then get sent to my husband she is very efficient and very clued up. She knows it was abusive and I can tell she is trying to fight my corner and do everything properly. The reason we were in touch so long is because I hadn’t given her the go ahead to proceed just was getting advice etc, then I had to get all my identification together and take this to the office etc so that took a few days with covid and strict regulations not be able to just rock up etc. so she’s been very efficient so far.
yes I think I will definitely use that as a bargaining tool, if he starts acting up I will instruct for full financial disclosure.

[KIP.]

Well done. Sounds like you have it all in hand. I remember the anxious wait. Don’t be surprised if it gets no reaction from him either. Just more games.

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