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I grew up without a sense of self. There was no ‘me’. I no longer blame anyone. It was a series of terrible circumstances and c**p parenting.
I’m finding this isolation worse and worse and I really as I look out, I’m living in an almost permanent flashback of what it was like to live in a shell. To be invisible.
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Hi maddog
I just wanted to show you some support. Sorry to hear about your childhood, it must have been very hard for you.
These are very difficult times at the moment being stuck in isolation, especially as it’s bringing flashbacks from the past. I just wondered if you are getting any support? I hope you are managing to focus on some self care, and reminding yourself that you are safe now.
Take care
Lisa
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Thank you Lisa. I’m getting support from Rape Crisis at the moment. Self Care is certainly not a permanent fixture. Its something I’ve only ever glimpsed at so it’s very difficult. It’s not my norm or my general experience. Perhaps I’m just feeling very sorry for myself and at the moment it isn’t working just to pull my socks up. My socks are too short to pull up and they’re worn out.
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An old friend has had a major breakdown. The first for decades. He’s being a blo*dy nuisance and it’s grindingly obvious to me that he’s not well. It’s hard to put on my 1st Aid hat when it’s an old friend and I’m feeling so rubbish as well. I really don’t want to be dragged into his world. I’ve been there and done that. I’ve done time.
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Hi Sweetheart…….breaks my heart to see you like this and I am familiar…. I grew up in really bad abuse and was a prisoner in my home so there was no escape. There was incest for years and years, beatings, being starved, locked in my room, etc., etc. And the sense of self just had no good environment in which to grow and thrive. Very common for us. I threw myself into my music and my art and whatever pet I had at the time. It was the only way I survived it. Plus, I am quite willful so there was that. I was beaten down but I always knew it wasn’t my fault. So the hope was always there of – I will get free of all this and I did.
Tell me a bit about yourself. Are you living in an abusive situation now? Do you have children? Being locked up again like we are is very very triggering. But, we have to say ok, I see it, feel it and how can I release it? How can I do self care? Finding music that soothes you or inspires you is very important. Strong power in that. How is your eating, sleeping? Are you able to get out and walk, be in nature for a bit? Being around flowing water is good, has great positive ions being released. Sitting on the ground is good as well, we get that good magnetic stuff from the earth. It’s also soothing to see things in nature because it’s all circular, no right angles. The plants, the trees, everything is made on a circular pattern, it’s soothing to our eyes.
Smells are good for you, like for me, if I have nothing else, I put on a pot of cinnamon, with a pinch of cloves in it and just let it permeate the house. So whatever works for you in that regard…
We do have a “Book List” on here that is very helpful, you might give that a look. Journaling helps alot as well. I will go get you a list I gave someone else regarding sexual abuse to see if that might help you. But your sense of self can be built. It’s an empty field right now but no reason you can plant things there, right? Whatever you want! Whatever is You! It’s important to know when, what chronological age you were when the abuse started. Why? Because that’s where your emotional self stopped growing. And you’ll want to find out what a child is like “at that age” so you know where you are emotionally.
I went through an inner child workshop decades ago now and we stayed a weekend there. He took us from being in the womb to age 18. Took us year by year in our age, what we were like, what kids do at that age, what they are capable of knowing/understanding, etc. We were crawling around with toys, drawing, coloring and visualizing. Very very powerful. I never cried so much, my eyes were swollen by the end of it. But it was so very wonderful for me. I got to connect with my little one who didn’t know what in the world was going on all this time, had been locked in the attic and I let her out. She was hurt, confused, angry, all of it but in time I integrated her back to me and became whole. Truth has a way of doing that. Is a double edged sword so it hurts and it heals. Our perpetrators told us lies, made sure we took on their guilt and once that is corrected and we pull out all those lies, actually sense of self comes very rapidly. Amazing what the light of truth can do and how quickly it can happen.
There is a Ton of Hope for you!!! I’ve been through, walked with many people through it and it happens, more than not. But we have to put ourselves in a place to receive it and do the work. It’s actually easier than being crippled and hobbling around. Much more rewarding, too. I’ll go get that info and be right back. Please keep posting, we are here for you! XX
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Ok, here you go. Also, regarding your friend, I always say – check your storehouse regarding energy and ask yourself when someone else is wanting yours……can I afford to give it out? And if you are running low on energy for you, the answer is always no unless of course it is a life or death situation for them. Sometimes the best, most loving thing you can do for another human being is to let them flounder a bit and be pro-active on their own behalf. You can’t keep propping him up if all he’s going to do is kick his own legs out from under himself again, right? Codependency is something to educate yourself on. Here’s my little list for you. And do check out a thread here called – Book List. Good stuff on there!
Not sure if your sexual abuse was incest but if it was – Look up youtubes on Marilyn van Derbur. She has a very interesting story and is a powerful woman who helps others. “Miss America by Day” is her book. Darkness to Light is the name to look up, too.
If you look up a site called “Mind” in the UK, they have some really good sites on there for incest and all kinds of abuse actually. Also check out “Local Minds”. They support England and Wales. Then there is “Women Support Project”.
The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis
Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child Paperback by John Bradshaw
Repair Your Life Workbook: Supporting A Program Of Recovery From Incest & Childhood Sexual Abuse – is a good workbook for you.
Very good site here……Gift From Within- PTSD Resources
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One more thing and I’ll stop! LOL! Being in a shell? Hm,m,m…. might we think of it more like a cocoon? And see it as the caterpillar is about to become a butterfly?
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Thank you for your kind words and advice. I was never sexually abused so I discounted the idea of abuse for decades. My family of origin was fantastically dysfunctional, awash with alcohol and everyone being cheerful all the time, on the outside at least. By the age of 18 months, my life was effectively over. I must stop feeling sorry for myself and look on the bright side.
Most people hit the ground running and take off. I just hit the ground again and again and run into the trees.
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