12th April 2016 at 9:37 pm #13628ErinParticipant
Today I just feel so trapped. I worry I am going to snap. I feel like I have no time to myself.
I barely sleep as our toddler does not sleep through the night – I do all the night shifts. Then I wake up, get little one ready by myself and get myself ready, drop with childminder, rush to work, hectic day in work, rush to pick up from childminder, come home, bedtime routine (with little if any help), finally get little one down, prep tomorrow’s work clothes, do the laundry,hoover, childminders bag and finally go to the shower to relax … when of course he insists on coming in to go to the toilet / brush his teeth etc. Just give me a minute alone in peace – It feels like every time I shower he has a reason to come in!
Now I finally sit down to watch tv and he decides he wants to spend time with me so he comes in, sits down and switches over the TV to something he wants to watch while beginning to dose because I apparently watch stupid tv. I could just cry, when do I get my time? Finally he has fallen asleep and I am afraid to move too much incase he wakes up and I have to listen to him.
13th April 2016 at 8:31 am #13660White RoseParticipant
Hi Erin you sound exhausted. I read your other post too and you sound as if you’re being a single mum doing everything yet are in a relationship and looking after him too!
Does he realise you run the home do the child care and work and that he’s part of the team?
Can he do drop off at child minders? Make tea or Hoover or do washing while you do bath time – or maybe he can do bath and bed while you do your tea?
We working mum’s feel we have to be supermums but sometimes we fail to ask for help from the dad’s.
Can you talk to him or ask him for help?
Also something my mum told me was that no one ever died of an untidy or unhoovered home or sandwiches for evening meal from time to time!
Changing t.v. programmes used to drive me nuts too was usually followed by “put the kettle on to a cuppa” from him and a dirty look if I didn’t.
My ex was a hands off dad as far as child care was concerned he did the fun stuff but none of the hard graft. It wore me down too. It was later his abuse started in earnest on both me and our child.
Try to talk to him. Maybe he doesn’t realise he’s part of the team?
13th April 2016 at 8:41 am #13661
Hi Erin – just wanted to say hi and offer some support. 🙂
Sorry to hear things are so bad just now. You are completely exhausted – no sleep and carrying the full load of childcare and all housework on your shoulders, as well as working.
I always had to get up in the night when mine were that age, funny how he was always fast and never seemed to hear them!!!
Yes I know what you mean, mine used to do that too, any excuse to come in while I was in the shower – he needed his shaver, he needed his deodorant, he needed the toilet – anything to get in there while I was naked – I didn’t like it, it creeped me out – but if I said anything I would get told I’m your husband, why can’t I see you naked – well yes OK if it was fine with me – but at the time he was sexually abusing me, and I felt very vulnerable.
I don’t know your story, or what he does to you, but I can tell you are feeling very trapped by him – the fact hes always around you, but never doing anything to help you out, and its stressing you out.
I think he has control issues??
Hope you can find time to talk soon, and share your story.
13th April 2016 at 8:52 am #13662KIP.Participant
Hi there, just wanted to say I know what you are going through. I was driven to a mental breakdown by my husband. Doing nothing to help but always expecting me to do everything, criticising and changing the goal posts when I was managing. What’s horrific is that he knew I was struggling and thrived on watching me fail. Looking back I saw him smirk when I was crying exhausted. He really got a kick watching me fall apart. Do not let it get to that stage. You need help. If not from him then get a cleaner or a child minder or family. Anyone who can ease your burden. You shouldn’t feel like this with a life partner. You could try and explain but I imagine he will just twist things leaving you feeling guilty and ashamed that you can’t cope. This is a time you should be enjoying and bonding with your child❤️
13th April 2016 at 2:04 pm #13690
Hi White Rose – you have just reminded me of the coffee situation – mine would do that too – he’d want coffee right after our evening meal. We’d just have sat down and he would demand coffee and I’d have to get up and make it for him, and bring it to him, regardless of the fact that I didnt want coffee myself.
He usually wanted it right away, where as I’d rather wait an hour or so, but it was all part of the control thing…..
When my daughter started to notice he was controlling me – she would speak up and try and defend me, “mam doesn’t want coffee why should she get up and make it to you, leave her alone” and then a row would kick off about her speaking to him like that – and all over a cup of coffee – but to him it was more – it was another way of enforcing controller over me.
13th April 2016 at 9:35 pm #13737ErinParticipant
Thanks for all the lovely replies! It does help knowing people have had similar experiences and got through them. I do think he is a control freak.
A lot of things that you are saying also ring true – coffee right after dinner just as I sit down etc.
He knows he does not do his share of the work with the toddler – he will do ten minutes here and there of nice play time but none of the hard work. I think he has been brought up with the expectation that childcare is a womens job. Whenever I do ask for help I almost instantly regret it as he wants to hear thanks over and over again and then eventually he will have an anger fit when he finds it too much. If he does not get a full nights sleep he is so moody it has me on edge so it is easier if I just do the nights. The most annoying thing is that he critises everything as well as watches me do it.
He tells me we can’t afford a cleaner – I earn a good salary each month and he insists I pay all of childcare and then guilts me into saving all my money and makes a big deal on anything we spend ( had a go at me for buying a bag for 5p instead of remembering to bring one [detail removed by moderator]). It is frustraing as we can afford a cleaner and he expects a super clean house – always telling me I am a bad mum because I allow the house to be so dirty (even though its not). Everytime I clean he will come home, take off his shoes randomly and leave them and then throw off his coat in another corner, same with jumper – drives me mad as the house then looks so messy so he then complains about the mess and can’t seem to see that it is all his doing. He also has fallen out with my family and has told me they are not allowed to come around – they live quite far away as well so I now rarely see them. It is easier to just agree with him than fight this.
So so drained at the minute.
14th April 2016 at 9:57 am #13778
Hi Erin – how are you today?
Yes my ex certainly was of the opinion too that certain things were ‘women’s work’ – and he just wouldn’t even entertain doing it!!!
Oh yes – well I remember how he would expect ‘a round of applause’ and a ‘gold medal’ if ever he did anything!! Eg he’d occasionally wash the dishes (not that he did them properly, there was always food left on them, and I don’t know quite how he did it, but actually the glasses were cleaner BEFORE he washed them!!!!!)
But he’d come through afterwards and announce “I’ve washed the dishes for you” – like he was doing me a huge favour and I had to be eternally grateful!!!!
Well excuse me – why should he not wash up – I cooked EVERY NIGHT – he never cooked for me, even on my birthday – he’d start off ‘trying’ to do it but within 5mins I’d be called through, how do you do this/that….so in the end I stayed and did it myself!!!!
Even now we are separated – if he does something for our son he tells me hes done it, and I have to then thank him – well I’m sorry but I do everything for our son everyday – and who says thanks to ME – NOBODY – that’s who!!!!
Well if I were you, I would say to him you want this house tidy, either you help, or we get a cleaner!!
And don’t you go picking up after him, if he leaves his coat, shoes and jumper scattered all over the house, then let it lie – you have more than enough to do – and he is big enough and old enough to clear up his own mess – maybe if you leave it all for a few days he will notice how messy he is, and start to pick up. If you continue to pick up after him, he will gladly let you do it.
Do you think you could try making him tidy up after himself? It’s just a small way of actually gaining a bit of control back from him – he won’t like it – he’ll kick up a fuss and have a tantrum – but it’s just a little way to gaining some control back.
The falling out with your family is just another means of control – and isolating you further.
Mine fell out with my mam, they were both quite ‘outspoken’, and would say what the wanted to say (where as I’m too scared to speak out) so in the end I had to ask my mam to take a step back, to keep the peace. So my mam saw very little of her grandchildren growing up, because he didn’t want her there.
She missed out on so much of them growing up, time we can never get back, all because HE didn’t want her in the house.
If ever she did come he would make it quite clear she was not welcome, he’d be grumpy and rude, and once shed gone he’d day nasty things about her – all because SHE stood up to him…..because I couldn’t.
He didn’t even like me talking to her on the phone – he’d purposely start a ‘play fight’ with the kids to make as much noise as possible, so I couldn’t hear, then he’d eventually make one of the cry, and I’d have to get off the phone to sort things out.
OR he’d just stomp back and fore whilst I was talking, tutting and sighing, and glaring at me with a look that said get off of the phone NOW!!!
You don’t notice things like this as it’s ‘just the way your life is’ – but gradually more and more control creeps in – and its only once you are out that you REALLY see how much he DID control you…..
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