12th February 2020 at 2:08 pm #97568
Hi,I’ve tolerated nearly two decades of mental and sometimes physical abuse,I have an illness the last x amount of years that renders me at home with chronic pain,that is when things got worse. My husband works and reminds me by telling me at least he can work and not a crip like me. Even though I’m in horrible pain I’m still made to do every aspect of the housework and diy,he says he works so hasnt got time to help out,he pays the rent so has the right to do what he wants. He constantly asks me for money out of my disability benefit,if I dont do it he threatens to leave or just calls me everything but having no money from him and recently moving I have to use that money to buy everything for house etc,were as I would rather use it to try and get out I’m in the house 24/7 the only person I see is him.(detail removed by moderator).I am terrified of being left alone and struggling financially and scared about losing my home,all the things he reminded me that I will suffer if he leaves.I get up just do what needs doing and go to bed at night alone,he doesnt speak unless to shout at me in the evenings,he doesnt text etc in the day to see how i am,but in front of others plays the doting husband,hard working etc.Ive tried many times to get help but so terrified about being alone and struggling,I’ve no self worth and hes convinced me I’m worthless and i believe all bad things will happen,he mocks my futile attempts to get help,because he mocks me that i will never go through with it and at my age no one will ever want me,you wont survive without me. I’m so low and sick of covering up for him and making out it’s my health that’s causing the issues. I’m not the first one he has abused.
12th February 2020 at 2:42 pm #97569KIP.Participant
Hi Poppy. Have you spoke to the national domestic abuse helpline? It’s only his lies that are holding you back. The lies they tell us to keep us trapped. I too believed my abuser that I was delusional, needed a psychiatrist, had a mental illness. No one would want me blah blah blah. I’m doing great on my own. I can do what I want when I want. There’s lots of help when I’m down. From the Samaritans to the national domestic abuse helpline. I’ve slowly. One out of the self isolation and am thriving now. All this can be yours too. I was almost three decades with my abuser and if I can do it then you can too.reach out for the help, it’s there for you x perhaps start with your GP, then your local women’s aid, then the domestic abuse police for advice. Slowly slowly baby steps x
12th February 2020 at 3:11 pm #97573CecileParticipant
Hi Poppy. Are you registered disabled? I don’t know what your illness is, but I can see from reading your message that you are very vulnerable.this is not domestic violence alone, he is abusing you as a vulnerable adult also. You must do as the above writer has advised but also you must ring your adult services and tell them, as well as telling your GP and tell the police. It sounds like you need a full assessment in terms of your ability to live alone as well. By which I mean you could see if you can qualify for help in the home. You sound like you have very high levels of health needs being subjected to financial abuse, as well as emotional, physical and mental.
12th February 2020 at 3:24 pm #97577
Thankyou KIP for your reply,I’m sorry to hear you went through such a lengthy time in that situation,but happy to hear that you broke away from it all.I have today spoken with womens aid who have kindly listened,gave good advice and pointing me to other agencies. Unless I could record it all I feel it’s so difficult to tell it all because it’s so painful,also always getting told when they hear his side no one will believe me.I try to save money aside for a future away from him and he reminds me that my house from my housing association will be taken from me if he goes and that I will be on the streets with no income i have sleepless nights,cant eat and have aniexty attacks.He apologies after he has said or done something nasty to me and tells me not to mention it again as its him that has to deal with the guilt,he shows no empathy.Being constantly shouted at then ignored plus his foul language has just got so bad I just feel worthless,no confidence and I feel a prisoner not just to him but a prisoner of my own fears too,I feel ashamed and angry with myself that I’ve been humiliated by mental and physical abuse and allowed it to continue because I’m so scared of being alone.
12th February 2020 at 5:27 pm #97584
Thankyou Cecile for your advice. I have a disability and other health issues,but had no idea about being registered disabled.I called the police many years ago and he was found guilty but were I thought that was the end and it would all be ok,it wasnt he behaved for a short while then resumed with the violence and mental abuse,not being strong and not getting help I played right into his hands. Not being able to have an opinion,being told your in the wrong constantly and useing past abuse reminders from a previous marriage made me believe it was all my fault.
12th February 2020 at 5:20 pm #97583EscapeeParticipant
Poppy, please believe when I say you can do this.
I too was in a very similar situation to you. I was told I’d never survive, I’d end up on the street and nobody would want me.
I am surviving; I’m not on the streets; I’m getting my health sorted and the abuse played a major part in my health; and I’m really not worried about having a relationship with a man! I’m busy building a relationship with me!
You’ll actually feel less lonely once you escape as you don’t have to cope with the desolation of the relationship and how isolated he makes you feel.
I won’t say it’s easy but it’s a process that gets better with every baby step you take.
Cecile is right….. contact adult social services and your GP. Tell them what you’ve told us. Your GP will probably send up a silent prayer of thanks that you have finally spoken out…..they are often aware that there’s something else in play with chronic illness.
12th February 2020 at 7:58 pm #97592CecileParticipant
Adult services have to look into allegations of abuse against people with mental health problems, illness or other vulnerabilities. What you are experiencing is abuse terrible, by the sounds of it. I don’t know where you live, but if you google your local council and look for adult safeguarding you should get contact details. You can also email the police via crime stoppers and label it adult safeguarding, please help. Good,luck, you have done so much already and keep telling how you are doing.
13th February 2020 at 4:15 pm #97618self loveParticipant
He is playing on your worst fears, his doing this to ensure you feel unable to let him go.
There is help, have you spoken to citizens advice?
Why would you lose ha house? Is it due to bedroom tax?
They can help with this sometimes, I’m sure the counselling can a***s your needs and help too.
Though so many changes so anything anyone suggest check out.
The point is he is going to disable you mentally, it’s mental cruelty and you need to love yourself enough to put yourself first.
My mum in her 70s and just got a boyfriend moved in with her.
Don’t put up with him, set goals, don’t tell him them.
Gives you some control over your life. X
13th February 2020 at 4:34 pm #97621self loveParticipant
You know you’re already doing so well on your own. His not helping you much anyway, he pays the rent but you’d get help with that, except extra bedrooms. But you might be entitled to someone to come in to help.
Or employ someone even if just to do an odd job.
Plenty of people are volunteering to help others too.
Don’t feel alone feel empowered. You choose your life and how it goes don’t let him steal your time. I think transport is available to get people out too for certain people
Lots to recall but start building a positive picture in your head because many in your situation can and do manage very nicely once the abuser has left.
They wish they left so much earlier.
Good luck on your new path a nice beginning for you!!2020 here you go happier times! X
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