- This topic has 19 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 7 months ago by
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Yep here I am again.
Ive been away with hubby and parents. My mum is as un pleasant as he is. Anyway he was amazing kind attentive supportive funny sweet just lovely but as soon as my parents went to bed he was fowl. Calling me names nasty comments picking fault moaning about money etc then back in front of my parents he was amazing. I was grumpy and miserable and un loving, I should be grateful according to my parents im so lucky to have him he loves me so much I should be nicer happier. (detail removed by Moderator) when I came home from work he started shouting at me for forgetting (detail removed by Moderator). He walked out. When he came home he made out it was me i was grumpy miserable un loving that after we have our family holiday (detail removed by Moderator) then we need to go outlr separate ways cause i dont want sex and show him no love.
Why am I suprised at his behaviour? Why does it still hurt? He makes my skin crawl why cant I let go? Why do I still feel its me, its my fault? Im doing this to us we were ok till I came on here am I just seeing things that arent there? Actually no I think I know the answer to that last one No its there I see it I just cant accept it still now. I just wanna grab me shake me and tell me to grow a pair and get the f**k out!!!!Sorry just needed to rant. X
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Ohhh Nbumblebee that must have been a strain being away with both…. You came on here as things weren’t good and you started to recognise similar patterns with other abusive men.
You are accepting it bit by bit and will leave when/if it is right for you ❤️ you are strong, with what you survive and have already survived, your determination with work, courses…. You are inspiring Nbumblebee
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Bless your heart Thank you.
I dont see how i can be an inspriation when all I do is moan and complain about my life yet never am I brave enough to take control and sort it. I feel like a winge someone who always sees the glass half empty. I just wish I could accept it is as what it is and move foward. X*x -
I do not yet have the courage to go for a job, I do not have the confidence in myself yet.
There’s so much more than leaving though isn’t there. The build up, constant self doubt, flickers of self belief which abusers quickly diminish. All that you go through and each day you push for your right to work knowing your nasty husband doesn’t approve …. that takes courage everyday and that’s why I find you inspiring ✨️ never give up as one day I reckon you might find a bulldozer to knock that wall down ❤️ -
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Hey nbumblebee,
I just wanted to say don’t be hard on yourself. I never thought I’d leave. Ever. But I did. You will go ahead and leave if and when the time is right for you. Might be hard to believe now but you should hold onto that. Many of us on here have been where you are now.
The great thing about this forum, when you find it, is that we all share your story in some way. Once you read and post you can’t unsee or unsay the words. It certainly made me understand what was happening to me wasn’t all in my head, or me overreacting or me ruining everyone’s life by wanting to leave. How you feel is valid and you don’t need to second guess yourself.
Keep strong 💪 your day will come x*x
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When you said you feel you need to grab yourself and shake yourself, it really hit a chord with me. I feel for you so much that you feel that way, as I know how horrible that is.
Saw a post today from Mel Robbins saying that when we have a bad day we should show ourselves self-compassion, see how far we have come and go easy on ourselves. I can understand how important that is but I struggle with it. I think so many of us on here seem too.
This is a horrible journey that I wouldn’t wish on any body. I hope I find the strength to keep going towards the next step. I really hope you keep finding strength too, don’t let him deflate you. You’re doing brilliantly.x*x
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Hi nbumblebee
oh I can hear the disappointment in your post and you know, like all of us, if it was so easy and quick to do this place wouldn’t need to be here, would we. Its such a difficult and complex dynamic to survive under and each stage takes as long as it takes. You have come here, read, learnt from what the forum women were saying and how it all rang true for you, and I can also say to you, just from what you have written in this post, that its abuse. The biggest hurdle is normally our belief in ourselves, to take that last step.
Try to be gentle on yourself, this is a struggle, and you speak so clearly of how awful it is and the toll its taking on you. What does he do to the children? This is what always was my strong voice, when I would tell myself what did the children do to deserve this, how he treats them, loses his s**t with them, is physical and screaming at them, what did they do..they are children. Could you tell them that its their fault, or is it his? Its often easier to see the abuse on others, than on yourself because he’s told you its your fault and made you feel deeply bad and deserving of the abuse inside.
There’s a lot involved in letting go, lots of different levels, and as you’ve identified there’s still something sticsking you there. You’ll get there. Go when you are ready, and when its safe.
warmest wishes
ts
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Thank you for this. Sometimes you just need someone to just come out and say it, I queation it each and every second of the day I drive myself crazy when someone who knows like you just comes out and says its abuse it hits hard.
Thank you.
My kids are older and yes have been affected by his behaviour by having me as a mum and i will never forgive myself for that for not seeing not getting out.
I fear its too late for them for me. Xx -
you were in the same place as your children as far as he was considered. You. as an abused woman are stripped of your adulthood and ability to act.
This is something thats vital to grasp for every abused woman, you have no agency, no self-determination, you always end up just about doing all you can just to survive, this means you cannot possibly take care of your children in the way you would have loved to, and you cannot act, he’s the dominator controlling all your lives, and manipulating their beliefs about you, you cannot possibly fight all this and always come out on top, sadly mostly it works out that they alienate the children’s attitudes towards, and treatment of you.
Its essential to understand how impossible it is to parent with your hands tied behind your back this way, and often children, although abused, can be used to triangulate with their mother and given more power than the mother when colluding with the father in the abuse.
What you have achieved is magnificent. You have achieved so much despite this, but his control over the children is often absolute, unless he is taken out of the equation early enough.
give yourself a break…warmest wishes
ts
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Wow i have never thought of it in this way just easier to blame myself.
You are incredable Thank you so very much.
I have got to face this havent I?
Ive got to believe its him and not me bit I just dont know how. My counsellor told me (detail removed by Moderator) that I need to accept its abuse before I can move on that he wont change but I can, I just dont know how. I know ive done some things to hwlp like thw job but that jist fell my way I was lucky there but where I go now I just dont know, how i start to believe this is him not me I just dont know but your words have helped me so much today I cant thank you enough. X
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Oh Nbumblebee, I sooo get what you are saying. Every single day I wake up wishing I was a stronger, different person to who I am now. The feeling of sinking into a deep black hole is overwhelming but I have to say, since joining this forum, I feel a teeny glimmer of hope and that’s what we need to cling on to.
Everyone close to me seems in complete denial to what is going on. Surely if my mum for example cared and loved me as she claims she does , she would take me away from this cruel environment. Instead she chooses not to “rock the boat”.
Stay strong Nbumblebee! We will get there in the end!
X*x-
My mum as im sure ive said kicked me out at (detail removed by Moderator) now she tells everyone how amazing I am but doesnt believe it she manipulates me anyway she can she even cries if I dont visit her once a week.
She adores my husband and ive tried to tell her I really have but she wont see any bad point in him its not worth trying.
Nobody will ever see him the way I do and thats what messes with my head makes me think its me as Im the only one who sees this side of him. I wonder is this normal?
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What you have said is so true @twistedsister.
How can we build our belief in ourselves? I’m starting to think that is the key to the next step, just need to figure out how to believe in myself again.
I’m an educated person. I feel very embarrassed to be stuck in the situation I’m in now.Hope you are all in a good place today. xx
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Hey Searchingforhope, I totally relate to your embarrassment, I am also educated, I had a good job… I even worked (detail removed by Moderator) I had been self sufficient since a young age yet here I am at (detail removed by Moderator) rebuilding my confidence, getting to know myself again after so many years of squashing myself and not even thinking of my needs… I like where I am though, it is good getting to know myself for the woman I am now.
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