Normal jealousy or control

[Ariadne]

Hello everyone,

So I wanted to scan for opinions on whether you think it’s ok to have opposite sex friends while in a (heterossexual) relationship. Sometimes I find articles online that recommend against it, but this seems like a way to justify controlling behaviour by a partner?
I ask because I have been in contact with my ex about getting back together as I mentioned before, but it seems like he keeps bringing this up since I mentioned to him I have a new good friend who happens to be male. I said this because he had made jealous comments about this person before, and I wanted to be transparent about it. I even told him I thought they had a lot in common and could be good friends too.

His opinion is that there can never be just a friendship, and I am not just leaving a door open but I am dependant on that friend. He has this opinion but he does not know what level of contact I have with this friend, and I have said repeatedly that I don’t have any interest in that friend and I believe the reverse is also true. He said he should go out and make close female friends as well, which I found odd just because of his intention/perception of the situation. He was only assuaged after many conversations when I said that I would limit contact with this friend.

I wonder if this is a normal jealousy reaction, especially since we were separated for a while and as far as I know I was the only one that got involved with someone else in that time?

[Hazlenut]

In my opinion, friendships form for a reason, regardless of gender or serial preference & how does limiting contact with a friend even work, are you only allowed a certain number of text messages or minutes on the phone, or allowed only to meet up once a week in a public place?!

[Ariadne]

Hi @Hazlenut,

Thanks for your reply. I think it’s also a natural thing to develop sometimes, and when there’s transparency I don’t see an issue. But I feel a bit naive when it comes to relationship etiquette, and sometimes my ex seems so wise in this sort of stuff.
Regarding your question about limiting contact, I don’t even live in the same city as that friend. So I meant it as a progressive distancing with less and less contact, still maintaining a friendship, but talking to this person maybe once a month instead of every week.

[Hawthorn]

Hi Ariadne,

Sorry to be blunt, but no, I don’t think it’s normal jealousy. I think perhaps you know that too and that why you’ve posted? I’m not sure there is such a thing as normal jealousy anyway, jealousy and possessiveness go hand in hand, and in the version of the freedom programme I did we warned it was a red flag for a potentially abusive partner.

A healthy relationship is based on trust. If your partner can’t trust you to have a friend of the opposite sex without thinking you’re sleeping with them what hope can there be for a healthy, loving and supportive future? I think it’s reasonable to raise concerns if you feel insecure, but if you have, as you said, repeated ly told him there’s nothing to be concerned about with this friend of yours, why isn’t he listening to you? Either he listens, hears and respects what you say and trusts you to tell him the truth, or he doesn’t.

Even my abusive ex didn’t object to my male friends. He accused me of sleeping with plenty of other men, but not my friends. So in answer to your first question, yes I do think it’s perfectly OK, and very healthy to have friends of the opposite sex. Relationship status really shouldn’t come into it should it? If those are the types of sacrifices this relationship requires is it worth it?

[Ariadne]

Hi @Hawthorn,

Thank you for your reply! You’ve made some really good points that got me thinking, especially about what even your ex allowed you! ahah

I feel really confused sometimes about these things. I want to be consider the other person (potential partner in this case), but I also don’t want to put myself in a position that may be unhealthy and too accommodating. And since this is my only basis for comparison pretty much, things get a bit hazy for me.
I have been jealous/controlling in the beginning of the relationship, checking his messages and all, and after a little while I stopped caring (even though I had reasons to be suspicious). I feel really ashamed of that, but sometimes I see it as driven by temporary insecurity and that maybe he too will eventually feel more trusting of me?

I just don’t like that he keeps bringing this up and making it seem like I am naive in my opinion… He also says that he doesn’t want me to limit contact with that friend if that’s not what I want to do, but it seems like a test because he either doesn’t feel like I am considering him enough, or that in the future I will be proven wrong. And in the meantime we have these conversations constantly…

[Hawthorn]

My goodness, the circular conversations, the confusion, them bringing up the same thing over and over….i remember it well and it’s so exhausting.

Life’s too short isn’t it? We get but one wild and precious life, perhaps think about what you want from yours. If he is your only basis for comparison maybe it’s time to try something different? This man sounds like an absolute drain on your energy and joy. A relationship does not have be so. Relationships should enhance our lives, not BE our lives or diminish them or our spirit.

You are enough on your own. All the love and compassion you desire you already contain within yourself, don’t waste it on this black hole of a man. However much of yourself you pour into him it won’t ever be enough, the void within him existed before you ever met. Healthy, loving relationships don’t look or feel like what you’ve described above, and don’t you deserve a loving, healthy and supportive relationship?

Choose yourself xx

[Hereforhelp]

Hey Ariadne ❤

So sorry you are going through a hard time, you have helped me lots on here with sound advice when I have been a mess because of my ex.

I wanted to echo what’s been said already, there’s no such thing as normal jealousy. Jealousy and possessiveness go hand in hand and neither are acceptable in a healrhy relationship. If it was say a close friend who was being jealous of another friendship you have would you accept that as normal? I don’t think you would, I also think you know that how he is behaving is not making you happy.

I have a long term male friend, known him longer than my ex (I also had a brief relationship with my male friend, I told my ex about him and got us all together to meet up at the start of my relationship with my ex husband). He had to accept my friend or I wouldn’t have got together with my ex. He never accused me of cheating with my friend, strangers yes.

If your partner truly believes that male/females cannot be friends then that is all about him and how his mind works as it simply isn’t true. My ex used to say that it’s not me he doesn’t trust it is other men/people! Which was BS, my ex didn’t trust anyone, no matter how hard I worked to prove that he could trust me.

Big hugs Ariadne ❤

[Ariadne]

Hi @HereForHelp,

Thank you for your message <3 I am glad I was able to give you support in the past and I am happy to get your advice as well!
That’s a very good example you give. And I do think it’s a bit weird on the part of my ex to keep hammering on in these things. He mostly fixates on this one friend even though he has no reason to be jealous of him specifically. But he will constantly ask about him, insinuate things with sarcasm, etc…

I even pointed out that I have another male friend for many years and even called him asexual, which he is not! In the beginning, he was suspicious of him but then I showed him a text exchange where I was telling my friend about him and he relaxed somewhat. He will also now ask about other guys from the past, trying to rehash things again. I guess his trust in me is completely shot, but this is an almost everyday thing, and the questions get really personal and just come out of nowhere. In the past he used to say the same thing, that it’s other men he doesn’t trust! But that’s bs ahah He has had similar reactions about my girl friends too.

But then the next minute he is really sweet, and saying he is just hurt, that he trusts me and wants me to do whatever I want, and to also talk to him when I am hurt, etc. It’s got me in a very weird place.

[Bananaboat]

Gosh how sad would life be if you could only be friends with the same gender! It sounds like he’s projecting his concerns as in, he can’t be friends with a female without thinking there’s something sexual there which is his issue. Let’s face it, if your friend was female he’d probably find some other reason to stop you being mates with her too. I’d also be concerned as he’s doing this whilst he’s your ex and you’re testing the water to get back together. Be careful and think how you want to live rather than what he wants, if the friendship is important to you he needs to respect that.

[Ariadne]

Hi @Bananaboat,
Thank you for your message! Yes, you’re right, when we were in a relationship in the past he had sometimes similar reactions about my girl friends too… And also he was the one that cheated in the relationship, so I think there was projection involved then and probably somewhat now too.
He will also realise sometimes that the things he asks me are so odd that he also feels down about himself… and then guess what? I feel that I need to tell him it’s fine and that I understand, etc. I think I am definitely contributing to this dynamic, but it’s so difficult to get out of it!

[Wants To Help]

Hi Ariadne,

My best friend is a guy and our relationship is purely platonic. During the friendship both of us have dated people, some of whom are not comfortable with our friendship and have questioned it to a point where they have felt uncomfortable with it. We have both cut those potential relationships off straight away because neither of us want to date someone who is going to request that we end our friendship.

During my relationship with my abuser I had another male friend who was again purely platonic. My abuser had a real issue with this and would accuse me of wanting him, having sex with him etc and I did end that friendship to please my abuser. The truth of the matter was my abuser was jealous of anyone who I was close to though, including female friends and family members. By ending the contact with my male friend did not stop any abuse. As it turns out, my ex had an affair, and also had affairs when he was with a previous partner, so his jealousy over my friendship was actually his projection of him thinking that I’d do exactly what he did. People tend to judge people by their own standards, so if he thinks it’s impossible for a woman to have a platonic friendship with a man it’s because he knows it’s impossible for him to have a platonic friendship with a woman.

My friendships come before any potential future relationship now so I’d be telling this bloke to sling his hook very quickly!

[Ariadne]

Hi @WantsToHelp,

Thank you so much for replying with your example! That seems like a great friendship, and from my standpoint it was very brave to maintain it when faced with relationship pressures! I find it very difficult to do, and in the past when I was still dating this person I blocked people from my life because of his pressure, and distanced myself a lot from friends. Also because after a while I was ashamed to tell them about what was going on. And yes, there were many different instances of jealousy, even when he was the one who cheated and I never did, so there was definitely some projection there. I suppose because I feel guilty because I got involved with someone else when we were broken up, I have been putting up with this, thinking that it’s a normal reaction after everything. But it’s become really exhausting!

[Wants To Help]

Hi again 🙂

Do you feel guilty for getting involved with someone else when you’d broken up or have you been made to feel guilty?

If you had broken up with him you were single and perfectly entitled to see someone else. Did he cheat when he was with you (or when he was with a previous partner)? If he has already cheated on you and is already putting pressure on you about certain friendships then why are you considering getting back together with him? You are just setting yourself up for more misery. You acknowledge you’re exhausted already and you’re not back with him yet!

If you are not with him, use these pressures he is putting you under as a measure of what things will be like if you return to that relationship. You may find it hard cutting those ties with him now but it will be a lot harder in a few months to try to break free from him again.
You’re not going back to a ‘changed man’, you’ll be going back to an abuser.

Stay strong, learn from what he is saying to you, he’s telling you very clearly what your life will be like.

xx

[nbumblebee]

Reading these comments im like wow.
Theres no way no way at all i would be allowed a friend of the opposite sex no way at all.
I cant even mention another mans name without being accused of having an affair.
(Detail removed by moderator) and he still goes on about how i must have had relationships with them and i no longer see them.
Do I think its right? Not now I dont.
Thank you.

[Author]

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