Normal

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Sorry for posting on here again! I just needed to get my thoughts off my chest as I don’t have anyone that knows apart from you guys on here. Xmas day yesterday was lovely, he was very normal, no shouting or swearing or losing his temper. I could see he was trying extremely hard to be nice which is good but is also alarming as who has to try hard to be nice? Surely it should be natural. Today is a different story, he was moody in the morning and started calling me names when I said he had to get up with our child as I was in work. I’m now at work and I’m just going over and over what I need to do. I have got a recording of him slightly losing his temper and I have started logging his behaviour with dates etc. I can’t sit back though I need to form a plan to leave. I cant concentrate on work and I’m wondering if I should tell them or whether I should keep it to myself for now? And then I start to think am I being dramatic? Is his behaviour normal?

[KIP.]

Hey the good guy is an act. A mask they wear. See how it slips and he real self shows through the very next day. You are right to sense that he is trying to hide the true nasty person underneath. I would let your work know if there is someone there you can trust. I think you should record it with your GP that you’re in an abusive relationship. It is really good evidence should you need it for court at a later date. Please do not apologise for posting on here. You have nothing to apologise for. I used to go around apologising for everything when I was being abused. Must be our default position. No apologies needed, we are all here to help each other x

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Thanks KIP. You are right, it doesn’t take him long to snap back to his usual abusive self. I can speak to my line manager at work when she’s back in next week and then in the new year I’ll also make a GP appointment and tell them. Im quite scared of telling them but I know it’ll help me in the long run. It’s all getting very real now and it’s pretty scary but i keep telling myself I have to do it otherwise he will just carry on and on. Thankyou again x

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Rockandroll, I sympathise with you, just been through the telling work and GP and initial chat: it was very scary I have to admit, but actually not as bad as I imagined. As you mentioned it’s more scary admitting all this is real, true, that this is your life and it’s no good burying your head anymore or you’ll be stuck here with them abusing us for the rest of our lives.
Yep! Terrifying, but we have to do something or we will never be happy or free. They are only nice to us when we’re bending over backwards and working our fingers to the bone trying to make everything work and run smoothly. I bet you’ve been like me running around like a headless chicken trying to make it a pleasant Christmas for everyone! It’s worse when you’ve kept quiet for years, afraid you won’t be believed or can’t manage without them etc.
When you’re documenting his abuse, just stop and think about how hard you have been working not to upset him or to keep him happy. I’m realising that he’s only nice if I’m working my butt off or occasionally if I snap at him how hard I’m working and how little he’s doing to help. I don’t recommend the last part by the way, definitely hit and miss responses! Sometimes he’s sweetness and light and others he gets d****d scary and I have to back off and bite my tongue.
You’re doing all the right things. Just have faith and keep moving forward. You can do this. We are stronger than we think. Good luck

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Thanks for the response Freedomfighter. You’re totally right we can’t just bury our heads otherwise it allows them to get away with it time after time. I’m very scared and it all seems very real now but I know
It’s not something I can handle on my own anymore. For a long time I thought I could sort it out but i know now that I won’t ever be able to change him. I’m most worried about his reaction when he finds out what I’m doing. He’s very unpredictable and when hurt or upset he lashes out (not physically) well
Not to me anyway, he punches walls or doors. It’s better to be his friend than not to be if you get me. I’m glad you found the courage to tell your GP and work, things can only get better 🙂 x

[Freedomfighter]

I know what you mean, I’m also trying to be friends as I already threatened to leave a little while back if he didn’t admit lying and work with me on the marriage and the house. I started paying for private counselling to help me through it, but she kept mentioning abuse and I came home and started googling. I’m so worried about him realising and how he’ll react. As you said very unpredictable! All I know is he won’t make it easy or amicable. I tried to leave before and he told me he’d never agree to divorce, I was his for all eternity!!
I have to be as convincing and ‘normal’ as possible until I have every thing sorted out. When I go it will be completely no contact, not telling anyone where I am, no going back, no court case, nothing. I don’t want to face him, speak to or see him again. He messes with my mind and drags me down, or he’ll start screaming in my face again. Like you it’s been a long time since he’s used physical violence. We learn to spot the signs and things which put us at risk and avoid them. Learn when to back off and keep our heads down.
That’s what I’m doing: trying to keep things friendly, but when I lose my temper and snap at him I back off if he gets angry and walk away. At first I was terrified he’d guess, but then realised it’s what I’d have done before finding all this out and starting to put my plans in place.
So far it’s working okay, doesn’t stop me worrying about everything, him included. Still, baby steps will get me through this safely. I just need to be strong enough to stand up to those who are pushing and pressurising me to jump before I’m ready. They think I’m too afraid, but I believe I just need to feel ready, do all my research first, get everything in order. I don’t want to rush into this, I’ve already made mistakes like that which knocked my confidence so much. My way gives me time and a chance to build my confidence back up. I’m going to need it if I’m going to make it on my own.
I don’t know if that’s wise or the correct way, not the usual way, but I don’t think I’m in any physical danger, just at risk of ‘giving him one last chance’ again! Reading and posting on here, continuing to google everything etc is keeping me grounded in the real world. The world where I see the truth and who he really is. Reading posts like yours reminds me why I’m doing this and that how ever much he ‘appears’ to be helping and changing, it’s not real. He will never stop lying, never stop deceiving me, never admit any wrongdoing, because he doesn’t believe he is wrong. He believes he has a right to do these things, treat me like he does. He doesn’t see me as a partner or equal, but as his belonging. That’s Not love and I will never be happy or whole. It helps to keep reminding myself and not feel sorry for him or guilty about my deceitful behaviour. It’s necessary to stay safe and leave. Try writing down all the good advice you read/hear and retread it when ever you start to waver. We can do this. We deserve better than the half lives we’ve been living. Stay safe and strong 😊

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