Normalising – no more

[Formeandmyboys]

I’ve just had yet another week of hell. . . abusive, threatening, nasty behaviour and name calling. And the nice one minute, raging the next nonsense that’s so emotionally, mentally and physically draining. . . last weekend was particularly bad.
I think I am done – finally. But when I tell him to leave and that I can’t do it anymore the games really ramp up. And he refuses (and gets aggressive and threatening) or threatens to go kill himself. . .
He says he’s mentally unwell. He’s back and forth with health professionals. Has been for years. But they can’t help him. I just think he’s plain nasty and uses it as an excuse. Is that unfair?
Hoe can you hold down a job for over a decade if it’s a mental health issue? It’s just me that takes the brunt of his nastiness. I can’t even cry or be upset, because that makes me pathetic. I’m not allowed to be upset (cry) – because he’s not allowed to be upset (throwing his weight around).
Mind games, gas lighting, twisting what I say, verbal abuse and threats. Feeling physically threatened. Shoving me down onto a chair, blocking my exit from a room, squaring up to me. How is this normal? But that’s just what I’ve done over the past few years – normalise it.
But it’s not normal. How do I hang onto that and get him to leave? It’s making me mentally ill (stress and anxiety) and physically ill (headaches, stomach and chest pains, shakes, poor sleep etc).
I want him gone with the minimum upset. . .
How easy is it to get an occupation order?
The house is in my name – I pay the mortgage. So that should help?

[fizzylem]

I would say if you own the house then you will have no problems getting an occupation order, call 101 and ask for their advice.

Your focus is to get him out and gone from your life, and to protect yourself throughout this, you have no control over what ensues, bar how you choose to deal with it x

[Iwantmeback]

Your local WA could help put you in touch with a lawyer versed in DA. DA is not good for our health, the list is endless. I have a long term health problem with chronic pain levels, since leaving, those pain levels have dropped dramatically. My chest pains have gone, migraines… gone.
To hold on to why you want him gone, have you journaled his behaviour,if not start now. Try and write down historically too. Mind and inc dates times and if anyone was present. This way is what helped me remember just how bad things were. Some of the posts on here could have been written by myself, and reading reminds me of what I’ve forgotten. I’ve also found that by doing, taking control, rather than worrying, is building my confidence. Remember he’s seen adult and is responsible for his own actions, he is not your responsibility.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[KIP.]

Are you in touch with women’s aid? Try reading Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. It explains the tactics abusers use and it saved my life. These abusers use the same old tactics. You’re not alone. He’s going nowhere unless you make him. I’d change the locks when he’s and dump his stuff with a friend. Don’t discuss it. Text him and tell him what you have done. It’s your house and you decide who lives there. You need to dig deep or he will suck you dry. These men are parasites. I ended up unable to leave the house because of mental health, depressed and anxious. Unable to work.

[Hetty]

As others have said seek legal advice and speak to your local WA. I’ve found trying to talk about separation in a calm and rational manner never works. It’ll increase the risk to you and up the game playing. Don’t tell him of your plans. Just start exploring your options. Write down all incidents and if he’s aggressive call the police. You could also make a GP appointment to explore additional support for you and have your concerns logged. It’ll add weight to an application for an occupation order.

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