Not able to deny it anymore? What now

[amitoughenough]

He’s always been controlling, but I thought I could handle this aspect of his personality. Plus over time he seems to have softened a little and has treated me more kindly as the years went on. We would usually have 1-2 big arguments per year whereby he displayed classic abuse tactics, shouting, screaming, throwing things, then stonewalling and acting hurt if I tried to defend myself. I empathized with his past experiences of abuse from other people, so felt like I could tolerate this. Plus I have a bit of a strange personality, low self esteem but also quite tough and intelligent. I can run loops around him in arguments and expose the logical fallacies he makes. So basically, I thought I was a tough cookie and could handle it. And I thought it was absolutely worth it because he’s my best friend.
Turns out after years of constant criticism, nitpicking, trying to stop me from seeing family and friends, scary angry outbursts – I am not. He’s started escalating the arguments lately, they’re more frequent and angry and he blames me for it because I’m “different” and “I’ve changed”. He threatens to kick me out of the house. He criticizes me constantly and watches every single move I make. He goes absolutely spare every time I see a particular family member because he feels threatened by them. He shouts at me for the smallest of things. If I go longer than a couple of days without initiating sex he absolutely hates me for it and makes my life hell. He’s insecure – I have to “want” him all the time or I don’t love him. I’m not allowed too much time on my phone or my games console, because that constitutes ignoring him. I’m not allowed to (detail removed by Moderator) too much because that reduces my sex drive, so (detail removed by Moderator) on a night constitutes a de-facto rejection of him and means I don’t care about him. In fact, popping out for a couple of hours with a friend is also a rejection of him I must be punished for with sulking and silent treatment. At the moment I can’t do ANYTHING right. This sucks.
I’m so hurt and frustrated because why would someone who loves me, who is my best friend, want to do this to me? It never used to be this bad. Is it going to get better?
I’ve been secretly googling stuff like “coercive control” and “abuse” for years but this is my first time reaching out. It’s scary because now it’s in writing it’s like it’s real and I can’t deny it.

[Watersprite]

Hello and welcome – well done for reaching out it’s a massive step and yes after years of knowing something was wrong and secret googling you can no longer Unsee what is before you it’s scary because the next thought is what do I do with all this! Please reach out for support – women’s aid keep posting Lundy Bancroft book why does he do that. It’s all about control and his tactics are classic abuse. Take care and keep posting x

[amitoughenough]

Thank you, I feel quite confused at the moment. Hopefully reading other people’s posts and talking about it will help me make sense of it all.

[Twitcher]

Hi amitoughenough,

I know it took me years to realise things weren’t ‘normal’ in my marriage and only last year finally knew I was experiencing abuse. Like you I thought I was strong enough to cope with it, but the constant put downs, humiliation, threats etc finally take a toll and like you I was blamed for it because I’d changed. None of this is your fault and a lot of the things he’s doing are classic abusive behaviours like Watersprite said. I’m new here too and with these amazingly, strong survivors on here I’m sure they will give you the support and help you need. You have done so well already by reaching out. Stay strong and never blame yourself x*x

[nbumblebee]

Welcome sweetie.
Ive been marroed over (detail removed by Moderator) decades it took someone else to point out to me that i qas in a not so nice marriage. 2 years on Im still here i still cant say the word I still cant admit to it all but I am working on it.
My advice. Talk. Its that simple talk. Find someone you trust a friend family GP womans aid but talk. I see a counsellor who is helping me pick my way through.
Its not easy some days i wish i could unsee I pretend this isnt my life but others I am strong and determined.
You cant do this alone and as hard as it is as scarey as it is to trust someone it really will help guide you through this.
You are not alone we are all here with you. X*x

[amitoughenough]

Thank you all so much. I’m starting to open up to people a bit more now. In the past I’d hide any arguments we’d had and just deal with it myself, as I was scared of my friends or family thinking less of him. I almost felt like I’m the more emotionally mature one, so I should just suck it up and not take his tantrums too seriously.

However, when I talk about things, people just tell me “he shouldn’t treat you like that, he needs to stop doing X, you shouldn’t put up with it”. It makes me feel worse! Like I’m doing something wrong for not sticking up for myself enough 🙁

I do fight my corner when I need to, I just tend to pick my battles. It’s too draining to assert myself constantly.

[nbumblebee]

Yeah this hurts too this “oh but you shouldnt stand for it” as hard as people may try unless they have been through it they dont understand they wont get it but that doesnt mean that they arent on your side. You need these people in your corner you need a safe space to talk and well done to you for reaching out. I also have to pick my battles very very carefully as long as you keep yourself safe sweetie.
I guess the next step for you is reaching out that little bit further the more people you talk too the less scarey all this gets and yes its so so hard but you have nothing to be ashamed about.
Keep taking those steps no matter how small. Xxxxxx

[Gerbil]

Hi Amitoughenough
I am slightly further down the road than you. Our situations are so similar. Once I started reading on here and reading books recommended on here, I knew I was in an abusive relationship. I have made contact with my local DA service and have just started therapy through them. I have also talked to my GP as I was becoming a nervous wreck.
Once you realise that it’s abuse, you can’t unsee it
Take care and keep posting x

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