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I’ve been here before and cannot believe it’s happening again. It creeps up so subtly and slowly it’s hard to see it happening. At first it was watching me closely when we were out with others and listening in to conversations, deciding when we would leave or stay out. Then checking my phone and saying it had rang and that’s why he looked. Getting mad at me for messages…calling me a liar. Accusing me of flirting with others and wanting other men.
(detail removed by Moderator) he looked in my phone and saw that I’d had a conversation with the father of my kids. He went crazy, dragged me out of the room to talk, self harmed in front of my daughter and I, threatened to kill himself. Scared me so much I told my daughter to be ready to leave. I tried to calm him down and eventually I fell asleep but he woke me up to start again, dragged me from the bed (detail removed by Moderator), shouting. Woke my daughter up. Then eventually he fell asleep and the next morning acted as if nothing had happened.
He constantly says I don’t show him enough affection and that I don’t have a heart. He calls me things under his breath and denies he’s said anything, he says things like I’m looking old then says it’s a joke and I shouldn’t be so serious. He literally calls me 10!times a day and if I don’t answer or call him back he gets moody. He told me that it’s all because he’s never loved someone like this. I tried to end it yesterday, but he somehow managed to make me seem silly and it’s easier just to agree with him. I have even got to the point (and this is crazy) where I called him to ask if I could have a bath. I mean for the love of God! How has it got to this?
I feel stuck because we live in a small community and he knows everybody. I have no friends and it’s lock down. I’m afraid he’ll freak out if I leave him. I can’t face it, so I just try and keep him happy. Weirdly I’m missing my ex even though he was abusive…at least we used to talk. I’m going mad here; it’s so lonely and I have 3 kids I’m trying to combine working and homeschool in evenings and him (if I don’t give him full attention in the evenings he gets moody). I just don’t know what to do and feel so stupid that I’ve allowed myself to get in this situation again.
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Hey, we are incredibly vulnerable for such a long time after abuse so don’t blame yourself. Just know that you’ve escaped once before and you can do it again. The fact that you’re missing your ex just shown how incredibly vulnerable you still are. Did you ever do The Freedom Programme? I’d highly recommend it. You will know the tactics abusers use. Not sure if you’re living together but if not it’s time to end things via text and let him know you will involve the police if he continues to contact you. He’s already committing child abuse and your child will have emotional and psychological effects from witnessing this abuse. For your child’s sake as much as yours please work towards a safe exit with the help of women’s aid x it’s sometimes easier for us to take what we feel is the easy option but you’re really just extending the period of abuse snd the period of damage that’s being done physically and psychologically. You can ask the police using Claire’s Law if he has previous convictions or reports for domestic abuse. There’s very often a pattern of abuse going on. Keep,reaching out. Women’s aid. Police. All,there to help,you and there are new laws available to remove perpetrators. You’re stronger than you think x
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Thank you so much for your advice. He does stay here every night but not exactly living together. I’m so scared of ending it but you’re right. He’s already called me (detail removed by Moderator) times today and I just feel completely exhausted and drained. When he knows I’m thinking about ending it he’ll suddenly do nice things, flowers, take aways etc…be nice to the kids. I’ll have to somehow tell him so he believes me and leaves me alone.
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