Not alone anymore

[HopeLifeJoy]

I wasn’t aware that domestic abuse can take many forms. I have suffered emotional and financial abuse and also indirect physical abuse through putting furniture in the middle of the living room that i have to move every day to go pass it or not giving me a bed to sleep in, just a mattress that I organized myself and slept in the attic. I’m shocked to read all your stories, i am like yeah, i know this behavior all to well, the angry outburst, the apologies + gifts afterwards, having to walk on eggshells, nothing I did was ever good enough, he changed his mind so often on what he wanted, he called the police on me when I went out of the house visiting a friend saying I was abducting his children.
One evening he wanted to talk again about our relationship, meaning pointing out what I do wrong, he said it is very important, I said what’s the subject he said our relationship i said ah ok, again, he said what did you thought we are going to talk about, I responded something serious like our finances.
He cut me off financially the next day.
I am a stay at home mum, i gave up my job to raise my two young kids and take care of my family so I have no income.
I know that something wasn’t right with him and not with me. But not many people believe me. He is so strong and charming. I am just kind and nice but I see through him. Thank goodness the people closest to my heart do believe me. But the officials didn’t. He accused me of being a terrible and even dangerous mother and went to the GP, school, child welfare and even to my own father and all my social network to report me and did a massive smear campaign. It took me so much by surprise, I was so in shock, I didn’t know how to react. He also threatened to kill himself. I have a member of my family that did that so I took the treat very seriously and went to the GP and informed her. She told me he is probably depressed because of me. I thought i didn’t hear her right. My life became a nightmare.
It started to get so unhealthy at home that i had panic attacks that lasted 2 hours. All the while still running the house, taking care of my children, pets and being careful of what I was saying or not saying when he was around.
After I had almost spend all my savings to buy food for me and my girls I started to wonder how I am going to feed my family when my money runs out. He works btw. So i asked for help to see if this behavior is allowed and what the options are. The social worker told me to pack my bags ( my girls) and leave. So i did. I went back to my home country to my family. Few weeks later, he accused me of child abduction using the international law on child abduction of The Hague. And he won the case. My youngest one only just started to speak.

It’s been (detail removed by moderator). I followed them but could’t make it there on my own. The abuse continued, he controlled the visits, he never left my alone with my kids. The letters I sent were returned saying that he moved. During Skype contact I (on the touchpad) was just left in the middle of the table, alone. He didn’t tell my girls to stay and speak to me. They are too young. When I asked for a change in the visits, he threatened me by email on how do I dare to speak to him this way and make demands. He has little minions that blame me for everything and tell me too that I am a bad mother. I lost most of my friends to him.
I informed myself online and found out that he is a (detail removed by moderator) and that he is messing with my head on purpose. So i chose my self and my health and went full No Contact.
I am relieved to read all the informations on the forum, about the wheel of abusive power and control and cycle of abuse, it makes so much sense now. The angry outburst were always there, less frequent at the beginning but still very frightening and always not founded and very confusing, followed by the inevitable apologies and gifts. Over time I did adapt and never got angry with him. But I thought it strange that he could love me only when I was in a good mood and attentive to him. It’s so exhausting. I had to watch my mood and never get angry with him or sad or anything else then just pleasant.
I was voiceless for so long, like mentally paralyzed, i didn’t know why. Now i have recognized that I was abused and this is not normal.i still can’t believe it.
I try to see the little positive side of what I have now. Not living under the same roof as my ex is for me the biggest relieve. I can sleep in a proper bed now. I have my own money. I am on welfare support, not working.
I have put my kids in a red ballon for now, floating in the air, I pray that the universe is taking care of them. I love them so much and want to stay strong for the day I can see a way out of my situation. Now I am very exhausted and only living on auto-pilot. I am thinking of going to therapy but I am so afraid of getting hurt. I am not able to trust new people, even a therapist.

[Lisa]

Hello HopeLifeJoy,

Welcome to the Forum and thank you for sharing with us. It must have taken a lot of courage to reach out so I hope you find the support you are looking for here. I am so sorry to hear of the abuse you have experienced and about your children. I understand it is daunting but please continue to seek support via therapy or support groups. You don’t have to go through this alone, there is support available from people who understand what you are going through.

If talking would help then the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline is available on 0808 2000 247. The Helpline Workers can be a listening service as well as signpost you to other organisations that can offer support based on your circumstances. You could speak to your GP about counselling or ask at your local support group (https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/).

Keep posting to us when you can, it can really help to offload your thoughts on here.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[HopeLifeJoy]

Thank you so much for the support Lisa.
Yes it took me a lot of courage to reach out, I want to break out of the silence and the shame I feel, it’s suffocating me.
I would call the help line straight away but unfortunately I don’t live in the UK.
I hope very much that it’s still ok to take part of the forum, this is the first outlet that I have finally found.

I feel a tiny bit better as I go through the informations on domestic abuse.
It helps me to distance myself somewhat from my own situation.
What I’m going though now seems like a second round of abuse, this time from distance.
Most mothers that went out of an abusive relationship were successful at bringing and keeping their children with them. I was able to bring them with me to safety temporarily but unsuccessful at keeping them with me. He used the law to his advantage to take them away from me.

I have lost most of my social contacts because the majority are angry with me as they feel it’s my obligation to be there for my kids.
They blame me for not been there and in response I feel guilt and mostly shame, leaving me sick to my stomach, not able to tell them, but don’t you see, I can’t fulfill my obligations when this monster and his legal team have taking away my rights to fulfill my duties as a mother.
They are harassing me and I had to cut them out of my life one by one because I couldn’t take the weight of all this blame.
This is the same weapon my ex is using against me to try to keep the power and control over me, no matter what physical distance I am from him.
It makes me so angry and at the same time powerless.
Of course I thought about returning to him, to at least be able to raise my kids and take care of them.
But then he would abuse me again and as I understand it now, it would only get worse. Then I’m back at square one.

Are there any mums out there that went through something similar ? I would love to hear from you.

[Author]

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