4th July 2016 at 10:37 am #20867
I am sorry i haven’t posted for a while. I didn’t cope after the funeral i didn’t go but wish i had been there he was my husband. I have been on a few times but not managed to post. My mum is still having to force me to eat and for a few ew weeks i didn’t manage to leave my bedroom. Thankfully my dad has been taking care of all the matters from the fall out of his death. He had a solicitor come out i have signed some paper work that gives my dad authority to deal with everything and to make any decisions on my behalf. This is only temporary but was decided it was in my best interests. I’ve feel so powerless though
4th July 2016 at 10:43 am #20870
Hi prisoner, so good you have felt able to post. Im so pleased that your dad has been able to deal with all of the offical things, you are in no fit state to have to do that. Just take one dau at a time , good your mom is helping you to eat,you need a lot of time and care to get over this horrific trauma, xxxx
4th July 2016 at 12:20 pm #20874
Sending you hugs. It takes time to come to terms with the truma you have been through. Think how many years you went through it and the short time you have been away.
Please try not to blame yourself. You did what you had to do to protect you. These men use suicide as a way to keep control its the ultimate. It is noway your fault. Please and be kind to yourself
4th July 2016 at 1:19 pm #20879AnonymousInactive
I wish I had the words to say to make you feel better. I cannot believe what you have been through.
I know you feel that you cannot cope, but you will find the strength to overcome your anger, sadness and fear. You have a lot of ladies and your parents that support you and that is all you need right now.
Wishing you all the best and I do hope you feel better. You are more than welcome to message me if you need someone to talk to.
All my love
4th July 2016 at 3:21 pm #20884
Prisoner, non of it was your fault at all in any way, if you had not left he may well have killed you, going away for a few days was a perfectly normal thing to want to do, no one shoud be beaten up for wanting that or imprisoned in their own home, try not to blame yourself , it was him totally.
you could not live your life like that anymore. I hope your dad will do everything in your best interest, just take baby steps, you will in time get better xxxxx
4th July 2016 at 4:10 pm #20889KIP.Participant
Hi there, great to hear from you, I often wonder how you’re getting on. Are you in touch with your local women’s aid? It’s going to take a long time for your brain to work through all the trauma so in the meantime, let your dad look after things. My ex is still blaming me for the consequences of what he did. There is absolutely no excuse for abuse. You have to put your recovery first. Take it really slowly. There are many books on the subject of abusive men to help you understand that none of this was your fault. Try ‘Living with the Dominator’ by Pat Craven. An author called Lundy Bancroft is also very good. Your mind and body will crave what was normal to them. Normal but completely dysfunctional and dangerous. Your brain has been programmed a certain way and it will take time for you retrain your brain and return to a good life where you are allowed to make your own decisions and live freely. Just be patient and don’t be hard on yourself. I hope the physical recovery is going well too. Stay strong and keep moving forward❤️ You did nothing wrong. He has to be accountable for his own actions.
4th July 2016 at 7:57 pm #20901
A lovely lady has been around a few times kip I believe she is from womens aid. His job was his world I believe fear of loosing that would have played a part in his suicide, if I hadn’t have reported him that wouldn’t have been a possibility, I don’t even know if it was a possibility but i assume so. I just wish I hadn’t started all of this. I should never have asked to go away, I should never have called for an ambulance. I wish I’d just let him kill me. I might aswell be dead, I don’t think I will ever come through this. I wish I was stronger.
4th July 2016 at 9:08 pm #20906LisaMain Moderator
I am sorry you are so low but please know that how you are feeling is totally understandable. It is very early days and you will take time to heal. You have come so far and are so much stronger than you think. Sadly your husband was an abuser and his job was not appropriate for him and his narcissistic beliefs. In fact it could have put other people very much at risk due to his beliefs, his temper and the fact he was an abuser. You are not to blame for his suicide in any way at all. In the same way that he choose to abuse you and torment you, he choose to end his life probably as a final act of control and knowing full well that you would have to deal with the confusion and dismay he left behind. I feel it would have been very likely that he would have killed you himself if he had another opportunity. You are very precious and have lots of people who love you and care for you and when you are ready there is a happy life ahead for you, free from abuse. Until that time, we are all here for you so please keep getting as much support from the forum, the helpline and your Women’s Aid worker.
4th July 2016 at 9:53 pm #20910
Lisa i wish it had been me he had kikked and not himself. He would have coped so much better, he alwaysbwas the strong one. He always said i was unstable. I ruined his life, his job was his life, i took that from him, do you think he would have been dismissed? He was probably very different at work, i annoyed him made him angry. I didn’t do things right didnt answer the phone quick enough didn’t wantbsex ofton enough i was emotional and unstable, as I’m proving now. I ruined his life and now I’m ruining my parents lifes. They have had to removebthe phones from upstairs, if i go down they have to unplug it. They’re now not allowed to leave me in the house alone and they have to give me my medication I’m not allowed it. (they agreed to this to keep me at home) I don’t even know what tablets i take anymore. I cant make a decission for myself i try but my dad has the power to over rule it and to be fair i just let him do it. I’m letting evryone down. I ket my husband down i couldn’t even go to his funeral whats the point.
5th July 2016 at 6:27 am #20926
Sending you hugs. You did not ruin his job. He would have known the consequences of his actions, he would have known he risked his job, but HE choose to still do what he did. It is no way your responsibility. We live in a free world we have the right to go out when we want, to not want sex. You are free now, please no none of this was your fault you are no way to blame. Take care let youre parents look after you. I hope your physical injuries are healing
5th July 2016 at 7:40 pm #20977
I don’t know what to think anymore. I’ve spent another day in bed. I don’t know what i used to enjoy before him i just want to give up. he’s destroyed me. and now i’m destroying my parents whats the point in life
5th July 2016 at 9:37 pm #20991
Hi, Your parents will cope they are being strong for you, you need time you will regain yourself and be a stronger person for this, take time dont push yourself, your body and mind need to recover from it all, be kind to yourself x*x
5th July 2016 at 11:02 pm #21001
I am sorry I’m letting you all down. I can’t cope I can’t do it. I know he’s dead but i still keep expecting him to turn up. Everytime i close my eyes i see him see him raping me beating me. I can’t do it anymore i am sorry.
6th July 2016 at 12:35 am #21019AyannaParticipant
Hi Prisoner, please get through this!
There is a life after this!
None of what had happened is your fault! It was his choice to abuse you and only his choice. He could have decided otherwise if he had wanted to.
You did the only right thing to call the ambulance. All what happened then was the rightful consequence of what he had done.
Everyone who breaks the law has to face consequences and that is what he had to do too. It was his own choice to escape the way he did. He could have deiced to own up to what he had done, to take responsibility and face the consequences.
His decision has nothing to do with you, it is his character. He could never own up to what he did. He lived in his own self righteous world where he could do whatever he wanted without taking any responsibility.
In the real world everything that we do carries consequences. You saved yourself and as a consequence he was found out.
Why would you want to suffer and let the wrong happen whilst you know how the right should be?
You are entitled in the same way as everybody else in this world to live a life free from abuse.
Do not feel responsible for a decision he made that was solely in his own power.
He was consciously making the decisions to abuse you and destroy you and then he consciously decided to escape.
See this as the end of your nightmare and make it the beginning of your new life.
No one is there now who can harass you. You are free. You can heal and start over, with a peaceful life that you can design as you want it.
Even if I may sound cold, I try to make you see the perspectives you have now.
You are free. You are not a prisoner any more.
Rest a lot, take as much time as you need to heal.
Embrace your new life, the freedom from all the horrible abuse that you suffered.
Never again, it will happen never again!
The future looks bright and sunny, please hun, see the good things that await you!
Please post again!
We are all here for you! x*x
6th July 2016 at 11:15 am #21064
Prisoner how are you feeling today? You are not letting anyone down you have been through a great deal and that takes time to come to terms with. Let yourself rest let your parents look after you for a while. Keep posting we are all here to support you.
6th July 2016 at 10:09 pm #21121
Sending you hugs hoping you’re ok we’re all here for you when you feel ready to post again
8th July 2016 at 6:12 pm #21296
I really hope you are ok. Maybe you are reading but not up to posting. Please know we’re all here for you, when you are ready. take care and look after yourself
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