Not been on here for a while….

[WanderingCloud]

I do keep dipping in and out whenever I can but the logistics of my home situation can make it tricky, he watches my every move at home and I am sometimes too busy when at work. I know there is some excellent advise and support on the forums and am sorry if I am one of the ones who only tends to come on when I need some guidance. I find it a real help to know that the stories on here are so similar to mine, the control, the bullying, the jekyll and hyde personality, the effect on children, the sexual control, I could go on.
However as selfish as this may sound, in order to deal with my situation, I am having to face the reality of my own marriage and it is nearly destroying me mentally, I am in a permanent depression and I find it difficult to be as supportive on this forum as I would like and should. It isn’t anything personal, I feel that I cannot offer any valid advise as I am in such a state of personal limbo.
I am still really struggling with the thought of leaving and have been receiving counselling for the past 12 months which whilst it has been a tremendous help, I know that I have to take ownership for my future and deal with it. I can only describe how I feel is that I am so close to a cliff edge but am so afraid to jump, I can’t do it. I don’t know how far the fall is or what my landing will be like and it is paralysing me.
Guilt has taken such a hold of me, I feel guilty for my son but most of all I feel so guilty for my husband! I am sure he has noticed the change in me, certain in fact and in a funny way, he has mellowed slightly. He hasn’t changed completely and this slight change in him hasn’t made me change my mind in leaving but it has made it more difficult to leave. I would actually like him to go back to being the complete b******d he has been, this would make it more justifiable and ease the guilt I feel. Is all of this normal?

[Whathaveidone]

Hi Wanderingcloud, you are not alone in your thinking.

“I know that I have to take ownership for my future and deal with it. I can only describe how I feel is that I am so close to a cliff edge but am so afraid to jump, I can’t do it. I don’t know how far the fall is or what my landing will be like and it is paralysing me.”

I think that sums me up aswell.

I don’t have any children but I can particularly relate to the last things you have said. I’ve started reading why does he do that? and I’ve read living with the dominator and I think my partner too might have sensed that I’ve caught onto his need to have power and control over me. He keeps telling me how much he loves me, how I’m his world how life is not worth living without me ….blah blah blah. He started apologising for things (but he still criticises me on everything ). I feel in my mind that I can’t stay in the relationship but I somehow can’t leave. I’m too scared. And I still love him strangely enough. In my mind I sometimes just wish he could do something really bad which would take me the point where I know I’ve definiely had enough and can’t go on. But why should it get to that? I’m risking my own life I know it but I still can’t leave. It’s like I’m watching myself, knowing what will happen but carrying on anyway. I just feel so trapped.

[Author]

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