not been posting lately, mixed up

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

So messed up in my head I ended up booking a psychotherapist. Starting soon, cannot wait.
I want to divorce, then I don’t, I yoyo all day long, I forget what he did/does, and I once again minimise the escalation. Now he has ended up totally blanking me when it comes to tv programs, activities etc. He is very “superior” and messaged me a bizarre text saying I need him…

He also told me one of the things he subjected me to was perfectly normal, can’t say what but it’s of a sexual nature. I was shocked by his remark, after he went online to find his “validation”…i swear I could have hit him…and I realized that’s exactly what he is waiting for, a physical reaction from me.

I seriously need help. This has been going on for too long, and I keep breaking my best decision which is to leave him. Why?????? Am I that mad?? I even hide my doubts from my friends who hear one thing one minute and another the next minute…i am so full of shame.

Roll on till my first session starts. I find it so hard. Thank you for any advice. I read so many posts describing the abuse I have lived, yet I keep staying! I am fed up with myself.

[Starmoon]

You don’t need to have any shame at a. Abuse is so confusing.. I do exactly the same thing (only I’m not with my ex) one minute I’m so sure the things he did were wrong and I didn’t deserve it… and the next, I’ve convinced myself it’s all not so bad and I can see why he did x y and z.

I think it’s a really good idea to speak to to someone professional, I’ve got an appointment myself tomorrow. I think it can make sense of the things going on in our heads and bring clarification.

Certainly what ever your husband did was wrong- what ever it was.. you’re on here for a reason and if you didn’t feel happy about something- then your answer is there.. it doesn’t matter how he tried to justify it.
I can totally understand feeling like you could lose your rag with him. But you’re rite- he wants a reaction from you so that he can say it’s all your fault.

I think it’s normal to feel so confused, and I don’t think someone who hasn’t experienced abuse could fully understand.. our friends try to help but don’t worry if you’re not able to be fully strait with them.. if we don’t know what what in our own head then it can be really difficult.

I hope some of that made sense lol. Sending you hugs xx

[EeyoreNoMore]

I think what you’re feeling is totally natural.

But. He’s an abuser. You know, both in your heart and your head that he’s an abuser. You know that the only reason you are there is because he’s great at his game. It’s not because he treats you well. You’re there because he needs you to be. He needs a victim and you’re filling the role for him.

See if you can give the WA helpline a call. They are rather fabulous.

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