Not being able to get things right

[Sad and alone]

So I have often been accused of not standing up to people that we have trouble with. We are in agreement that these people are in the wrong, however I often take the brunt of his mood if he comes into contact with them. I am not a fan of confrontation and find it uncomfortable, and recognise that I do avoid speaking to these people, but I could also see his point and how it seems I’m not backing him up.
The other day I let a person walk past me despite and felt very guilty about not speaking up as during arguments I have said I would speak up in the future. So today I took the opportunity and was brave and confronted this person regarding their behaviour towards us. He then says this was wrong and I should watch what I say as people are more clever than me. He says I should’ve said xyz and how people are smart and basically I shouldn’t have spoken to them. It’s wasn’t an out and out argument but I’m frustrated how it’s always put that I can’t do anything right.

[minimeerkat]

its all about control.  so maybe just be yourself & do what feels right for you because you will never ever win in these situations – all you are actually doing is wasting your energy & constantly feeling this same frustration.  so try if you can to accept this fact as this may eventually help you find some peace x

[Sad and alone]

He said the time had passed to say anything as we had taken it to another level and now we should just ignore them for the time being. But because he’s constantly criticising me for not doing these things I just had in my head that I need to back myself up. I do feel like I’ve left him down and maybe overrelied on him to deal with things although I don’t condone the things he says to me or the way he expresses how he feels by putting me down.
I wish I hadn’t done it now as on top of it all I worry the person I spoke to is going to use what I said to them against us and it has a detrimental effect on what we’re trying to get sorted out. These people are really nasty sorts. It really doesn’t help things with us out as it’s so stressful.
Really struggling to even get a night’s sleep these days I feel like there’s so much bad all the time.

[Sad and alone]

Have had a strained feeling whereby I feel he’s poking at me about little things. I thought I was helping with something and then there was a big deal as got told I’d done it wrong. I swear it’s no different to the way he’d usually do it. Lots of other little things and just feel myself getting annoyed but dealing with it. Wonder if this is my issue not his but I don’t think that’s entirely true.
this subject came up again. I’m kind of at peace with it now but he kept saying (detail removed by moderator) but somehow it’s twisted round to me being stupid… because they said it? I told him he doesn’t listen to anything I say. I wasn’t stood there taking it and running away crying or anything. But of course then it’s I shouldn’t have been speaking to them anyway etc. Had a very similar incident before where he was talking to someone and I went over to support him and participate in the conversation only to be told afterward I should or shouldn’t have said xyz. I’m basically d****d if I do and d****d if I don’t, like you say MM I will never win but that means I’m going to get it in the neck either way. Just have to accept it I guess as can’t get anything right.

[minimeerkat]

you are able to find a little bit of calm in some types of relationships when you finally give up & accept that nothing absolutely nothing will please the other person.  because it then leaves you more able to focus on being yourself which means doing or saying things that feel right for you – ignoring all attempts to control belittle & confuse you x

[Sad and alone]

Yes things have been calm recently, certainly compared to what seems like a tumultuous summer. Just an absolute rotten time. I am maybe feeling stronger? With some things? I don’t know, the external issues we have are constant and put so much extra pressure on us. He is obsessed with all of it, gets irate, talks about it a lot. I prefer to deal with things and then try and let them go as I can’t live in constant misery. I just agree with everything he says regards this as it’s not important or worth it trying to tell him to not get as wound up as he does.
I try and let small things go over my head. These are criticisms about how I choose to do things because it’s not how he does things. I ignore this or say I’m not making him do it so it’s none of his concern how I choose to do it.
If things annoy me to a larger degree I’ll try and calmly remove myself from the situation. Maybe say that I’ve asked him not to be a certain way and he is so I’m going elsewhere.
I have told him what I don’t find acceptable and is at times plain unhelpful to our relationship. I don’t know if he’s listening as such but things are easier for the time being.

[swanlake]

It sounds like you’re having a really tough time. It’s hard to work out what feels right for you when there’s constant criticism and opposition regardless of what you do.

We’re conditioned to believe that we’re always wrong but it is certainly abusers who are in the wrong.

I’ve heard the phrase ‘holding space’ a couple of times at volunteering and it seemed a bit odd at first. But now I understand that we all have the right to have our own opinions, and ‘holding space’ is about listening to people without judgement, unlike abusers who absolutely do not want us to have the space to be ourselves.

[Author]

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