Not believed.

[Butterflywings]

Hi I’m new to this group. So I shall give you some background information before I get to the issue I have now. So my mother was my abuser. Not a partner. Somehow that makes it worse. Someone you’re supposed to trust to do the right thing. It was never anything sexual or violent. It was all emotional and financial.

Its hard to know where to start and I don’t live in that situation any more. However I somehow keep getting dragged back in.

I moved miles away the minute I realised what she had been doing to me all those years.

However I’ve recently had a death in the family and if I was to attend the funeral then if be face to face with my mum again. I’ve not had contact with her recently. I had decided that it was better to keep her at arms length so she can’t damage any more of my life.

However it seems she still is damaging my life even with no contact. It’s a very long story But basically things got out of hand one day any my boyfriend rang the police. The police did nothing. And now after all this time has past I find out that my boyfriend is annoyed at me for not telling the police what was happening when I had the chance. He isn’t taking Into account the fact that I was scared. And other things but I can’t go I to details.

Anyway my boyfriend has turned around now and said to me he doesn’t believe that I was abused because if I was then I would have reported it by now.

Im so upset. I dont think he could have said anything more damaging to our relationship if he had tried. But he doesn’t think he has done anything wrong.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who can see he is wrong

[KIP.]

Yes he is wrong. I would think he should support you in whatever decision you make after all it was you who was abused and you who will have to deal with any fallout afterwards. Abuse is complicated because we often feel fear, obligation and guilt. Not to mention it’s someone we once loved. Sounds like his pride has been hurt because he feels you didn’t support him by telling the police. I wonder if he asked you before involving police?

[duvetday]

Hi Butterflywings,
Just wanted to say I’m sorry to hear your partner isn’t believing you. It hurts so much when we are not believed, especially by someone close to us.. 🙁

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Butterflywings
I’m sorry you’re not getting the support you need. I found that people just don’t understand if they haven’t experienced it
I had a friend when I was young who’s boyfriend was verbally abusive when he was drunk and could ‘get a bit rough’. She would say she would finish with him, but then they would be back together. I never understood why she put up with it. After being married a decade I realised my husband was the same. I hadn’t really thought about it. They were just isolated incidents, I knew he was a chauvinist, always making excuses and dodging helping with housework and child care etc. I didn’t know how we got there and remembered my friend. I thought about leaving then but I loved him and thought we could work through it. But also realised I had become my friend and finally understood. Have you tried counselling? Maybe they could help you find a way of making him understand. Or if you’re able to explain yourself, although half the time I don’t understand why I do things. Counselling has helped me a lot with that. My sister doesn’t understand why I’m leaving because I haven’t explained fully. I don’t want to tell any of my family the whole truth. I can’t see that it would help in my situation. They are all petrified that I’m making a huge mistake. Another one! She’s a very confident and out spoken person, the opposite of me. She’s afraid I won’t be able to cope alone, which is what my husband’s been telling me for decades. It’s not her fault, she has absolutely no clue what’s been going on, because I’ve never told them. She says she will support my decision but to think very, very carefully first. It freaks me out sometimes that there’s only my mum and younger son who believe I’ll be fine, mostly I do too, but keep having nagging doubts remembering what everyone has said. I can do this, I just have to keep calm and not have panic attacks worrying about all the things that might go wrong.
My point was is your boyfriend unsupportive or just doesn’t understand your decision? I know you said you think he’s annoyed with you, but does he realise how you feel/felt. I don’t want the police involved in my case either so I do understand. I know you said he doesn’t believe you about the abuse (very wrong btw) but I just wonder if you’ve told him how you feel I’m guessing like a love/hate thing, but also more complex because it’s your mum. In my experience men don’t really understand how women think anyway plus it being a complex issue…. but if you have explained then there’s no excuse for his remark. My husband has often accused me of things, having affairs, lying, scheming behind his back etc but often applies male logic, or maybe it’s just him. His excuse for accusing me of having an affair was because I went off sex after having a baby and realising he was a selfish ‘b’ refusing to help. Even when I told him what the problem was he didn’t believe me. But then abusers never admit being in the wrong. If he knows your reasons for not wanting the police involvement then he was really out of order, have you told him how hurtful his comments were and that if he thinks you would lie about that then maybe you shouldn’t be around him for a while at least. You need mutual respect, mutual trust and mutual honesty to make a relationship work. He isn’t trusting you or caring about what you’re going through right now. He needs to understand that or give you some space to be with people who will give you the support you need. Good luck

[Butterflywings]

Hi everyone. Thanks for your responses. Firstly this all started because I asked one simple question. Was he going to come with me if I went to the funeral?

He then drags up the past. Something I didn’t even know he was upset about. He never mentioned it before. Now all of a sudden it’s an issue.

Whenever I bring up the subject of my mum he doesn’t listen. Never has done. Don’t know if he just isn’t interested or finds the subject difficult to listen to.

I have tried to tell him that the reason I didn’t say anything that day to the police is because I was scared and I was trying to keep the peace as I had always done growing up. He just shrugged it off and said he would never let anybody treat him that way and I should stand up for myself or stop complaining about thing. Can’t go into details.

All he keeps saying is, if it happens again he would want me to be on his side and tell the police what’s going on.

He is completely missing the point as to why I’m upset. I’m upset because he said I was lying about my past. But since he won’t let me make my point we are just not talking at the moment. Not solving the problem.

Not sure he wants to solve any problems. He is just fixating on the past.

Not sure what I should do.

[KIP.]

Perhaps you could ask him for his support in your decisions or cut him out the loop when it comes to your mother. Which is a shame. It’s complicated. Perhaps he feels helpless that someone who hurt you walks about unpunished. But that is not his decision x

[Butterflywings]

Hi

Well after a recent argument I’ve discovered that I don’t think the relationship is going to last. He isn’t willing to support me at all.

As for my mother not sure how I will deal with seeing her again. Not spoken to her for a while. I have a sibling I’d like to talk to but I can only have Contact through my mum.

So I guess I’m on my own. I feel alone right now.

[Ayanna]

I think that you are better off without your boyfriend.
You need to make yourself your first priority and remove all people from your life who do not fully understand and support you.

I was abused by both parents until I was a young woman, it was physical and emotional from baby on and later also financial and when they could not beat me anymore because I had run away from home, they have been abusing me on a psychological level until today.
I had intermittently years of zero contact and got back into contact again every time.
At the moment I have very rare and distant contact and I am strong enough to tell them off when they disrespect me. However, every contact has bad effects on me.

It is very tough with parents. They are the ones we rely on as babies, they are our attachment figures. I struggled all my life with them.
I always knew that zero contact would be the most healthy solution for myself, but then there is the inbuilt guilty feeling. My brother is in close contact with them and does not see my behaviour as correct. My sister can understand me, as she practices distance as well, on a much more rigorous regime than myself.
She has children and sees my parents as potential danger for them, in which she is right.

I feel unable to cut them off completely.
There is something about parents. It is sickening. I wish I could just cut them off like the ex abuser. They have done me nothing but harm, did not even give me an education.
I should have reported my father to the police when he beat me so badly that I suffered countless severe bruises and a brain concussion. I even had a friend who would have supported me and gone as witness for my injuries.
I could never do it.
I should have reported my father to the police when he took my state child maintenance and used it for himself and watched me to be homeless.
I could not.
I should have reported my father to the police when he slaughtered my pet and threw it away.
I could not.
The inbuilt fear was too dominating. At the same time the fury about his abuse made me sick.
It is difficult when it comes to parents.
Only people who were abused by parents can understand the feeling of impossibility when it comes to reporting.
Until we are strong enough we are mostly old and they are dead.
I will write a book once they die and publish it.
This way the truth will still come out.

[Butterflywings]

Hi. Yes it’s very difficult to know ow for the best what to do. My boyfriend sees it as me taking sides. I saw it as me keeping the peace.

I know that the right thing to do is to report my mum. But I still feel I won’t be believed by the police. Plus my mum is very manipulative. She has a way of getting people to believe her. Also I’m worried about my sibling and what it will mean for this sibling if I do report my mum. I’m also concerned that I have no evidence to back up my claim and it will be my word against her manipulation.

Not only that but the stress of going through all of that and the effects it will have on my daily life. Not sure if I can put myself through that.

It’s an already difficult situation, made worse by not having a very supportive boyfriend. Who I think is not willing to even try to understand things from my point of view.

Life’s hard

[Ayanna]

You can make your life easier by removing toxic people from it.
Your boyfriend does not seem right for you.
Do you want to keep him despite the signs?
Self torture … we are good at it.
But you can change that. You don’t have to put up with any useless person in your life.

[Author]

Posts