Not coping

[Nova]

I’m back to this forum…I realise I’m not really coping I’m just existing. No doubt to anyone looking at my life they’d think I’m fine…I’m far from it!!
I seem to be still in a fog mentally post abusive ‘relationship’. I have read up on the A-Z of narc abuse all the red flags etc, & I get it I understand he’s a bad person. Why am I unable to move forward? It’s like that time in my life is totally ingrained & still dominating me I do not feel free at all!

I was looking at old photos & there’s so many of us looking happy people, family & friends, ( not many left who actually speak to me & that’s a while other post tbd!!!)tell me ‘you both look great 2g’…even now …I think I’m living in the ‘twighlight zone’…It’s gaslighting I know it is actually making me feel still as unstable as being in the he’ll hope with him!.I do honestly question my sanity. I keep going over things over thinking…is it me ? Am I just a weird person who can’t live a ‘normal’ life?!
.
I’m really in such a mess I can’t make decisions I can’t cope with keeping the basics sorted, I’m on auto pilot, going through the motions of life…yet totally disconnected! No real meaningful life no partner no family around no bf …all of this has evaporated since being with him. Drinking more than I usually do, lonely, insomnia, tons of financial stress, dysfunctional family relationships, I just cannot find ways out! What is this in going through?! Someone tell me so I go to a gp? Who can I trust??? My job ( & that’s not brilliant) is the only thing that gets me out of bed.

Sorry to go on but I am reaching a melt down & before this happens I guess I need help asap..

Nova

[Anonymous]

Hi Nova,

I’m so sorry you are going through this.
Being in an abusive relationship can destroy us. They break us down to build us up to be the person they want, and in order to control us. They change the way we see ourselves, and take away our self confidence. They also create a false image of who we are, and who they are to the people around us. I came out of the relationship being totally misunderstood, and people would tell me the type of person I was, and it was everything he would tell them I am. At first there were some family and friends who believed me. But after we separated my ex partner did stuff that people refuse to believe. I’ve had to report those things, and many people can’t except me now because they think it’s wrong for me to ‘lie’, even though I’m telling the truth. It’s hard to stay strong when many people around you don’t even know you or what you have been through, and they believe your abuser’s lies.
If you can get counselling that would help, as long as they are aware of abusive tactics and can help you make some sense of everything you have experienced. Having a professional understand and label things definitely helped me gather the little strength I had and keep going.
Sounds like you could benefit with some self care. Get out into the wilderness for a walk, play calming music and practice meditation as the breathing helps relieve stress, or join an exercise class where you can meet new people. Find the person you were before the relationship, or the potential you had before all the abuse you endured.
Have you done the courses through Women’s Aid? They have The Freedom Program and other classes that can help you.
Thank you for sharing with us. We understand. Keep reaching out when you are struggling.
I hope the best for you! xx

[Happyskies]

I really identify with everything you’re saying. I’m really struggling not to feel shame at the moment. I think 🤔 had a very public breakdown and totally destroyed myself when it happened. Some of the things that happened were sore degrading i thought i was an animal sometimes. I started wearing pyjamas outside and not changing because I didn’t want people near me and i thought i wasn’t really there. It’s really tough not to let the negative worries get to me and keep my head up. People have said a lot of terrible things about me and i can’t deny they aren’t true. I think i did a lot of disgusting things because i came to believe i was disgusting and just had never realized it before. I felt embarrassed that it had taken so long for me to realise it.

I now have to go to work every day and try to smile at people as if none of it happened. I have big memory blocks so i just wonder always if i met these people already and if they think I’m like that. I don’t know how to move on

[Happyskies]

Thanks Auriel. It’s so nice to be able to have this forum to talk about these things. I don’t think I’d be able to say it anywhere else. Thanks x*x

[Sunshines]

I am not coping at all I feel I am going crazy and every weekend I’ve been making an absolute disgrace of myself threatening and arguing with females who he has wound me up about so many times. He’s recording me constantly threatening to share it with every one any way he can. And I will look evil and I feel I have become evil. I’m bitter and twisted I’m not free I’ve lost myself and now I’m too scared to get injunction incase he tells them lies and they take my children. I try to be nice to him and he twists it. I feel like whatever I do in the end I will lose because he’s too clever. Seriously I do not know how much more I can take x

[gettingtired]

Have a look at reactive abuse, I’ve lashed out at my partner physically in the past out of pure frustration from his nastiness. I’m ashamed but they have the ability to make us feel like we are losing our minds x

[ISOPeace]

Hi Nova, I’m not an expert on this so could be completely wrong, but what you describe sound a bit like dissociation. It’s where your mind feels like it can’t cope so it cuts off. It’s a common response to trauma. I don’t know why it has happened now you’ve left, maybe your mind used all its effort to try to keep you safe during the abuse and now that it’s ‘safe’ to let go, it’s just crashed.

It sounds like a really horrible thing to experience, but it sounds like a natural response to what has happened. I guess what I’m trying to say is that you may need help to heal the wounds of the trauma but I honestly don’t think there is anything wrong with you as a person. Sending love xxxx

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