12th May 2016 at 8:17 am #17016
I am sorry I haven’t posted for a while. I have been really struggling.
I have been informed his body is being released, I can’t face dealing with it, I still feel so much guilt. My dad has told them they will have to locate his brothers.
I have also had to go for a hospital check up, they are talking about wanting to straighten my nose but I can’t deal with that at the moment.
Life is so hard I am managing a couple of he’s a day out of bed and my mum is still force feeding me, but my wright is still dropping. The bruises have faded the bones are healing but the memories don’t fade. When I think what he did to me I feel so dirty, when I bath it’s in such hot water I have fainted a few times I just want to feel clean. (detail removed by Moderator)
12th May 2016 at 8:43 am #17018
it does take time, your brain is just processing everything, dont be sorry,talk and rest as much as you need to , if you havent think about counselling it will help u so much
12th May 2016 at 9:57 am #17024
Hi, good to hear from you,must be sohard knowing hid body has been released, but let his brothers deal with it all.
Well done for getting out of bed a bit,just tiny just tiny steps at your pace will help.
Just take an hour at a time each day you will recover, have community mental health team been to see you, you really need support sending a hug xx
12th May 2016 at 10:13 am #17028SerenityParticipant
You need to take things incredibly slowly. Aim to rest and do just one small thing a day – if you are up to it.
Let others take over and help. You would do it for them.
12th May 2016 at 10:22 am #17030AyannaParticipant
Good to read from you. Sending you big hugs of support!
12th May 2016 at 2:18 pm #17057HerindoorsParticipant
Hi Prisoner. So good to hear an update from you. You are already making small steps, spending some time out of bed, eating a little more. You do whatever makes you feel even a little better or more comfortable. You need to be focussed on yourself and nothing else right now.
You didn’t start this chain of events Prisoner, he did. He was always in control of the events unravelling and there wasn’t anything you could do about it.
Try and be self compassionate, I know its hard, we are used to blaming ourselves for everything. Be kind to yourself, do things that make you feel better and try and let go of any guilt.
You have people around you who clearly love you dearly, let them love you, you deserve to be loved.
12th May 2016 at 2:34 pm #17061
Hang in there. You are recovering from trauma. It will take a while so take baby steps meantime. It will get better. Big hugs. None of this was your fault. He had a choice on how to behave and he chose to hurt you. Take all the help offered until you get your strength back. Talk to the doctors about postponing any surgery till you’re stronger🌷🌷🌷
12th May 2016 at 9:32 pm #17116MillionpiecesParticipant
Sending you hugs, and support. I’m thinking of you everyday and hoping you will be better in your own time. Went to hospital was the bravest action you took to look after your self. It’s not your fault went to hospital, how can that be what you did was helping your self. And by eating, sleeping and let people who love you help you is the way you continue to look after your self. You have been through time where may be no one will be able to go through that time, But you did. Be proud and keep see inside your self. Keep looking after her.
12th May 2016 at 10:16 pm #17126Peaceful PigParticipant
I agree, you have been so traumatised that you need to take all the time you need to recover, physically and emotionally. I’m so pleased that you have your parents to care for you, they sound so kind. I’m not so sure about the cpn though. I can imagine how the thought of hospital would frighten you so much. Try your best to let people care for you because you deserve it much more than you realise x*x
12th May 2016 at 10:46 pm #17139
I know u really struggling with your feelings, continue to take baby steps to deal with trauma u experienced, let the people around u care for u, may be in hospital will be good for u as they can monitor you eating more and you needd food hun to keep your strength and energy levels up. TRy and look at hospital as a place that saved your life, if u hadnt called the ambulance that night it would of been your funeral, sorry if that sounds blunt but he would of seriously hurt u more, take this is a blessing as i do for myself that we didnt become another staticic
13th May 2016 at 6:54 pm #17212
Sorry. I am trying so hard. I can’t go back to hospital I keep remembering what it was like before to many people to loud. I can’t do that again. I can’t do it.
His brother’s have turned up today. They were disgusted that I wasnt arranging the funeral. They blamed me for his death. “I should have kept the problems within the family” and wanted to know if i was going to attend the funeral which aparrntly will be thethe end of next week. They were even more disgusted when I told them I wouldnt be going. They got so angry I completely freaked out and panicked my dad ended up throwing them out!
Now my head is even more of a mess maybe I should be going to the funeral.
13th May 2016 at 7:07 pm #17213AyannaParticipant
Oh no, do not go. Tell them to f… off if they dare to talk rubbish again. They shall leave you alone. Stupid men they are.
Take good care of yourself. You have done nothing wrong. I am so glad your dad did the right thing and threw them out.
13th May 2016 at 7:33 pm #17215SerenityParticipant
Families where bullies exist are clannish. They stick together and deny the fault of the perpetrator. They blame the world and his wife rather than accept that one of their own is responsible for atrocious acts. Maybe because they themselves are guilty of such crimes, or maybe they just don’t want their name to be muddied in public.
They want you to go to the funeral to try to make out that their brother wasn’t as bad as he was. After all, it’s a bitter pill to swallow that he was like he was. But you aren’t going to be used in this way. You have to protect yourself now, and don not let them place any guilt upon you.
They will have to face the truth of what happened and what he did to you, however ugly that truth is.
13th May 2016 at 7:43 pm #17216
How awful for them to do this to you, do they not know what he did to you. Try not to let them get to you, he killed himself because he could not face what he has done.
So glad you Dad threw them out, do not even think of going to the funeral if you dont want to. Look after yourself and let them get on with it, dont even have any contact with them again. Sending a hug x*x
13th May 2016 at 8:22 pm #17220LittleBritishPhoenixParticipant
It’s good to hear from you love.
Glad your Dad threw them out! Clearly the bully runs in the family!
If you don’t want to go to the funeral, or can’t face it, do not force yourself. You need to focus on you and look after yourself.
Sending love and hugs. x*x
13th May 2016 at 10:23 pm #17232
Hello, they have no right to treat you that way,no doubt they are ashamed and want you to go to the funeral so in their view it won’t look so bad. Don’t allow them to bully you. How dare they. You have done nothing wrong. You are the victim in all of this. Good for your dad showing them the door. Concentrate on your own recovery meantime x baby steps x
13th May 2016 at 11:20 pm #17240
How dare they come and say that to u, clearly in denial and trying to cover there brothers tracks , swwear ex side are always same, glad ytour dad threw them out, block them too and think of themeselves
14th May 2016 at 8:34 am #17245
They have a point. It’s all the if onlys and what ifs.
If I hadn’t asked him if I could go away for a few days if I hadn’t called an ambulance gone to the hospital told the police. He would still be here. I did kill him.
I am thinking i should go to the funeral i’m his wife. I should be there. But that means leaving the house
14th May 2016 at 11:07 am #17249MillionpiecesParticipant
You done what you have to do for your self, it is not your fault. If you didn’t go to hospital that day, never know what would happen. It is a very hard for you. It’s easy for them to judge bcoz they not in your shoes, they don’t feel the pain, the pain in your body is bad enough and mentally is worse. You decide what you need to do. If you don’t want to go to the funeral of your husband don’t go. He is your husband yes, and he is the one who suppose to look after you not putting you in this situation so you have right to say no.
For now just focus on your self, help yourself to get up and continue living, to live how you wanted to live. Get the help there for you. You need them and mostly you need your self to take care of your self. Be gentle and your soul is so broken. Take as much time as you can.
14th May 2016 at 11:08 am #17250
They have no point hun, the point is u wanted to go away and he beat u up badly cause he didnt like that idea, normalmen will say how about go next week, next month, they talk through solutions they dont go and beat u up. He liked controlling and beating u up , that is wrong full stop . If he got exposed cause u asked for help thats not your fault, its not your fault he choose to kill himself, his family just need a excuse to cover the family fault up , maybe they all scared this will reflect there family , maybe they r wife beaters too that they reacted this way. Its upto u personally if u want to go to funeral or not, decide for yourself , not based on what other people want. If u dont want to arrange funeral, then dont, his family have a obligation to to sort funeral out
14th May 2016 at 5:56 pm #17278
Hi there. As your husband he was supposed to look after you. He has proved he couldn’t do that. It’s time for you to look after you. Don’t fall for their guilt trips. If you accept guilt it means they don’t have to. You did nothing wrong. Don’t be pressured into going. If his brothers can behave that way in your home. No way would I go anywhere near them ever again. A funeral is horrendous enough but I think you may get even worse treatment from them there. They have shown you their true selves, believe them. Concentrate on your recovery. Don’t let anyone push you to leave the house before you are ready. It’s been no time at all since the assault. You need to heal at your own pace. Sending you a big warm hug❤️
14th May 2016 at 7:57 pm #17289myfairyqueenParticipant
Wow. I’m so sorry that you are having to go through all of this 🙁 unfortunately it is the ultimate control as you will now have to deal with the guilt but as others have said, it is not your fault. He chose to hurt you, you had no choice but to leave. He then chose to act like that. It’s not normal. If you had gone back, he may well still be alive but you might not be. You chose to safe your life, he chose to end his because he made bad choices.
15th May 2016 at 6:39 pm #17355AnimalloverParticipant
You are being so brilliant. all you need to think about is that you are now able to get on with your life without worrying that he’s going to hurt you anymore. He’s done the ultimate thing to manipulate you even from the grave so don’t let him have that satisfaction. You can now get on with the rest of your life. None of this was your fault. Please eat and get better day by day. Think about you only and ignore his family. You are the important one.
15th May 2016 at 10:52 pm #17385SaharaDParticipant
I love your dad!
17th May 2016 at 6:23 pm #17471
I am laying in bed completely drained and exhausted!
However today i have spent almost an hr sat in the back garden! I know its not alot and probably sounds so pathetic, that its left me so tired but for me it was a big thing i even managed it without taking diazipam which I have been having to take large doses of to get to the hospital appointments.
I have also had a small amount of lasagna OK it was probably a portion a toddler would eat and my mum force fed it to me!! But its not soup.
17th May 2016 at 6:43 pm #17473
Well done thats really good to hear, a bit of sunshine lifts you up. I fully understand how hard it is , I struggle with agoraphobia and in a very bad patch after my Dad died I spent (detail removed by Moderator) months in the bedroom and just going out into the garden is then such an acheivement, take tiny steps you will get there and good to hear you ate the lasagne be proud of yourself, it will all take time but you will get your life back xxxxx
17th May 2016 at 7:19 pm #17477LittleBritishPhoenixParticipant
Well done Prisoner, you should be so proud of yourself for that.
Little steps darling, xx
17th May 2016 at 9:44 pm #17484
I just feel so pathetic! How can something as simple as sitting in the garden make me feel so tired drained and really upset. I’m pathetic.
17th May 2016 at 10:22 pm #17489
You are not pathetic at all you have suffered much abuse and then have had the trauma of being knocked about then his death which would have been a shock to your system, you have been through so much and not eating much,you will get exhausted very quickly, be kind to yourself and give yourself a pat on the shoulder each little step you take xx
18th May 2016 at 9:27 am #17508
its the trauma that has exhausted u hun, your body lets u process as much as u can take, welldone for going in the garden, the fresh air does wonders for u, well done for eating the lasagane, just rest as muuch as u need to , all part of recovery
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