Not coping. Feel broken. Can't make sense of my world.

[Escaped not free]

Just been woken up by the manager at the mediation service I am using to try and sort out visitation schedule for my ex with our children. I had emailed them with concerns following being advised from WA not to attend mediation, due to the fact they felt my ex would control and manipulate the situation and WA worker concerns it was a male mediator and that they may well not be appropriately trained in recognising abusive situations. I said I did not want to cancel but explained I had been subjected to quite a bit of manipulative behaviour and felt I was being provoked prior to attending mediation. I asked if our mediator did have experience dealing with controlling people as I now had concerns that my voice would not be properly heard during this process. I’ve just come off the phone feeling like a naughty school girl. I was told that they do not recognise the concerns of my WA advice, that we are now being given two mediators, both impartial and one a woman but this is unusual as they only really do this when there has been occasions of “extreme domestic violence”. I explained I had not said I was being subjected to extreme domestic violence but my experience has been that any time I try to discuss a schedule for the children with him, when I ask him which days he is prepared to take responsibility for….over which I have no preference, as soon as he’s asked to give a reasonable response I get shouted at, told I’m a (detail removed by Moderator), and many more rantings to avoid actually committing to take his children on set days. He uses this as a method of control, insists on having my work rota (detail removed by Moderator) so that he’s not having the children if I’m not at work, when I tell him this is unreasonable, ask if he intends to show me his work schedule he tells me he doesn’t need to, I’m the one “looking for help” with the kids so it’s up to him if he decides it’s necessary. I have had to tell him I’m filming every encounter on my phone as he has repeatedly forced his way into my home to shout at me about not having the children again when he’s picking them up, the latest incident being when he meant over my daughter in the passenger seat to shout at me how I would listen, he would not be having them while I was at work, I asked him to stop this In front of the children who were very distressed, refused to talk to him which made him angrier so I had no choice but to move the car away to get away from him. He ran after us, pulled open the door again and did the same again telling me (detail removed by Moderator). My daughter then started to cry, I literally begged him to stop, he didn’t do I had to move the car again, further away, to get away.(detail removed by Moderator) I calmly explained to the mediator whilst I accept there has not been physical violence the psychological behaviour has become completely intolerable. She said this “obviously” wouldn’t be tolerated in mediation, wether it worked would depend on how far I was willing to compromise. I pointed out that I merely wanted a commitment to certain days and times where he is responsible for his children, picks them up from school etc to minimise the encounters I have with them and to give the children some stability and not have them hear him screaming how he doesn’t want to have them. I said I have no preference as to which days, but I would like to know when it will be to allow me to work around this. I know he has had a meeting with them also, I know he ALWAYS comes across as this devoted father who has to put up with a (detail removed by Moderator) ex who stops him seeing his children. I feel like I’m locked in a Hitchcock movie. I have played into his hands on many occasions when I need to go to work and he sends me a message saying he won’t have the children, knowing I have no their options. I have reacted through text, telling him how intolerable and despicable this sort of thing is. I told him I was struggling to cope with the stress it was putting me under and now he refers to me constantly as mentally unstable and dragging my children through my dramas. My mother is now colluding with him. I messaged her earlier in year, explaining why I can’t tolerate certain behaviours towards me anymore and she is also saying that she cannot see the children because she cannot deal with the (detail removed by Moderator) if she tries to see her grandchildren. This message was sent after my mother organised a family celebration for one of my children and told me I was not welcome to attend. An event I drove them to, insisted they go to and made sure they knew I was ok with it and wanted them to face a great time. They are both now portraying me as unstable and dramatic when I’m trying to put in boundaries to give myself some peace. I honestly feel like I’m locked in psychological warfare. Not sleeping. Struggling to eat. Worn out completely. I have sent messages to my ex, objecting to unacceptable behaviour, telling him repeatedly he cannot treat me like this, that his vendetta has to stop. I have sent my mother a message asking to respect boundaries and when she ignored those boundaries, sent her another reiterating those boundaries and asking her not to cross them again. I was not “nasty” to her and I have not “harassed” her. I have responded to her behaviour by reiterating my boundaries and this is now being protrayed as harassment. I know I’m coming across as a (detail removed by Moderator) just now. But I’m actually starting to feel like I am. Like I’m actually irreparably broken, they can all see it, I’m delusional whilst trying to pull off calm, “everything’s cool” at home and work. Not coping. Need it to end. I’ve read the email again from my mother and she has turned everything I have said around and basically told me she is the only one that cares about my children’s welfare. I’m just so done. I literally feel like I’m actually breaking now. How do I convince people I’m sane when I’m up against people who lie and manipulate like this. Or am I actually insane and they see what I really am?

[KIP.]

Hey there, I recognise the nightmare you are trapped in. You are not insane. The behaviour of abusers will drive you to think you are. With regards to mediation. I hope you have asked for shuttle mediation? You don’t want to be in the same room as him. He has no right to demand your work schedule. I would write down exactly what you want to get from this mediation. If it’s for him to commit to certain days and you are allowing him to choose these days then this more than reasonable. And if he was interested in adhering to this then it would be in place by now. However, I have a feeling that he may agree to this in mediation but as soon as you leave, he will revert to his old ways. For me it’s about you taking back control of the situation and that means going total no contact with both of your abusers. No contact means no mind games. Arrange child care with another party, not involving either your mother or your ex. You tell your ex when he can have access to the children and if he doesn’t turn up then he won’t get access until the next appointed time. Taking back control for me gave me confidence and purpose. You have a right not to be abused by anyone at any time. You do not have to put up with this behaviour. You wouldn’t put up with it by anyone else so don’t allow it to continue. I know it’s difficult but while you flounder and are just exhausting yourself dealing with these abusers, you don’t have the headspace to think clearly. Time to take back control? Any what you have described is serious domestic abuse. Don’t minimise it X

[Escaped not free]

Thank you Kip.
Your advice is really appreciated. I’m working nights at the moment which is always hard, with the kids to pick up from school and everything I get nowhere near enough sleep. He knows this and usually coincides his worse behaviour with while I’m on nightshift. I had a good look back over messages I’ve recieved and sent my mother regarding the children. I have invited her to see, or have them a total of (detail removed by Moderator) times since last (detail removed by Moderator), and she has seen them (detail removed by Moderator). On two occasions I have set out what I no longer find reasonable acceptable behaviour after horrible outbursts from her and very detrimental things being said to my children about me, and asked her to consider her actions. On two occasions this week I have had to reiterate those boundaries…please don’t make my children lie to me, please don’t talk negatively about me, and told her this behaviour was to stop. I’m now being accused of harassment every time she tries to arrange to see them. She’s made NO attempt to see them. This just simply isn’t true. She knows how my ex behaves and is now saying she has been caught in the crossfire along with my “poor” children. There’s a firing squad perpetuated against me using my kids but I can’t see any “crossfire”. She must know what she is doing surely? I have not responded to her email as I have learned that any attempt to correct the facts are called nasty, venomous, and harassment.
The mediation woman made me feel so ridiculous, like I was making a fuss out of nothing but this has been years of this behaviour I have endured. The really frightening thing is that I had never actually recognised his behaviour as abusive before. He has had me so conditioned from such a young age to believe he is so morally superior that I have actually rationalised his abuse. Whenever I referred in the past to the horrible things he says, his redponse was always, “well I was angry, you made me angry”, and says it as though it’s totally acceptable. To the outside world he is this lovely, easygoing guy. That’s why I’m having a hard time keeping my head straight.
It’s not shuttle mediation, she said those are only for extreme cases and as there is no physical violence that’s not needed. I know he will have come across as this mild mannered, lovely guy. Someone who is a devoted father, because he knows all the things he should be thinking and doing, it’s just actually thinking and doing he has difficulty with. NOBODY accept me and the kids have seen this behaviour. He’s now got a girlfriend who is also slandering my mental state as well as my parenting.
I’m doing the best I can for my children. We have what I would say is a close, respectful and supportive relationship. We refer to “our team”. He’s got me, they both have, doubting everything in myself.
My mother I think I’ll just ignore and actually, I think I am going to block her from my younger children’s phone. She’s shown herself to have destructive motivations I don’t want my younger children exposed to that. Or is that wrong of me?
And yes, your right, it’s not unreasonable what I’m asking him. He expects me to arrange childcare for the kids before and after school days he chooses to see them so that he doesn’t have to see them on his days off. I have said to him again and again he can choose his days but it’s not fair that I need to sort my own childcare as well as provide his so he doesn’t need to see his kids on his days off and if that’s what he chooses then he needs to sort out with his family arrangements for before and after school for himself. Especially when I’ve arranged my own work so that the kids are with others as little as possible. I work harder and longer than he does to provide for them and instead of making that easier he makes it as hard as he possibly can.
My counsellor tells me I’m doing well, I’m asking for very basic things but they have been so used to walking all over me that any attempt to assert myself they are interpreting as an assault on them. This has worked for them before so obviously they are invested in keeping the status quo. I just keep worrying that I’ve given a biased view, that I am as they say “incapable of happiness” and that’s why I run into problems.
That’s interesting what you say about giving him visitation at times of my choosing and if he doesn’t turn up then he doesn’t see them until next time. I just worry that he won’t turn up at all, my daughter will be left at school gates or at friends, and he can blame me for not seeing his kids. He doesn’t want to have them but he wants everyone to think, just like my mother does that the reason they don’t have them is because I prevent it. Because they couldn’t stand the world knowing the truth…they don’t actually care. It’s all for appearances.
I will try and write down tonight the points I wish to have cleared up at mediation. Visitation, “shared responsibility”, maintenance payments and a 50% share of the holidays. Instead of me taking twice as many holidays with my kids and then doing all the in service days etc. Surely I should be entitled to a couple of days in a year where I can maybe do something for me? Instead of using all my holidays so he can holiday alone a few times a year. That’s good advice as I think I will just become emotional and upset otherwise and play into his hands. Currently if he has them for a week in the holidays he only pays (detail removed by Moderator) child maintenance that month, which is already far lower than he originally promised anyway. Not something I would have ever agreed to but he made me feel so nasty and selfish for asking to have it put in writing.
Thank you. X*x

[KIP.]

Hey, you’re doing great. I would insist on shuttle mediation. It’s your mental health as well as physical health that’s important. Dont let them bully you out of it. You’re scared of his behaviour. It upsets you and you do not have to put up with it. Insist on writing everything down. He’s doesn’t want that because then there’s a written record for when he breaks it. If it’s written down and he doesn’t turn up then it’s his responsibility and he has to be held accountable. Try to take the emotion out of it when you write your list. Be practical. How often should you allow him to see them and when. Alternative school holidays. Easter one year. He gets next year. He’s scared of it all being written down and there’s nothing nasty about it. It makes total sense then everyone knows what’s happening. I would go so far as to get the mediator to advise that if he fails to keep his side of the agreement you reserve the right to go to court and have visitation agreed by the court. Get the mediator to advise drop off/pick up that he doesn’t get out the car. He parks outside and the kids get out and come to the house. Not him. They are your kids. You decide what is best for them and you. As for your mother, take a break from her for a while. Stay no contact. It’s not cruel. She is destroying your mental health. We have to learn to stand up for ourselves. Whe we are abused we are scared of confrontation and the consequences. I posted a list of Rights for Women. Try to look it up and stick it on your fridge. You have the right to feel safe, not be abused etc. I felt empowered when I stood upto my ex. I went to a solicitor, I separated from him, I had him arrested, I got a restraining order, the power is shifting……

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