29th January 2021 at 2:18 am #120623
Refuge feels so safe and it’s nice but struggling being away from home. I’ve started getting these panic attacks about being so far away. I want to apply for housing nearer home. Really scared about long waiting times. Want to get on lists asap. Just filled in a pre assessment online. It says I’m ineligible for social housing?
Trying not to panic. Should I be worried? I desperately want to go home but safety concerns so looking nearby instead. No local connection but I ticked the domestic abuse box on the form. I spoke to the local authority on the phone earlier. Asked if I was eligible to apply. They said yes but assessment form says no. I don’t want to apply as homeless and go thru temporary accommodation. Panicking at the thought of it. Is that my only option? I don’t kno if I should try to just go home instead. Desperately want to and I think the risk is gone but they don’t agree. I’m so tired of all the sorry and fear and want to finally be safe.
30th January 2021 at 7:59 pm #120717LisaMain Moderator
I understand your concern, try not to worry too much until you have had it clarified by speaking to the local authority again. Let them know what happened with the pre-assessment and ask them to confirm if you are eligible.
31st January 2021 at 7:10 am #120735
Thank you for replying.
I want to give up and go home. I don’t see any other way of being safe. I’m terrified of what will happen after refuge if places won’t take me.
Can’t apply. I rang two separate Local authorities. They said they’d take into account my circumstances and just apply online. I can’t though cos the form won’t let me submit it. It says you have no local connection and without a connection you will not qualify to join the register.
31st January 2021 at 7:51 am #120736
Hi there, take some deep breaths. Do you have some help at the refuge, an advocacy worker? Ring back to the local authority and explain what’s happening with the form. For the sake of other victims too that online form needs to be changed. Its not you, it’s them. You have rights as a victim of domestic abuse. Your local citizens advice may be able to help you further. It’s not safe for you to return although it may feel like the safest option, that’s the abuse and brainwashing, try to remember why you left the abuse. If you tick that you have a local connection will it let you submit the form or does it ask for details? If ticking the box allows you to proceed I’d tick the box and explain/complain at the next stage of the application. That kind of mistake for abuse victims needs sorted. I lost count of errors and people in authority who didn’t know my rights so educate yourself about your rights as a woman fleeing abuse. You can even get free rail travel if you’re feeling abuse. Talk to women’s aid too. It’s exhausting at this stage when you’re anxious to begin with. Sometimes our rational brain shuts down to protect ourselves. Keep going and only look back to see how far you have come 💕
31st January 2021 at 10:57 am #120743
Thank you for replying. It made me want to cry that someone replied and was being nice. I didn’t think I’d post again. I want to stop before everyone gets fed up of me. I don’t want to be weak but I’m losing strength to keep fighting. I can’t take this neverending worry and fear. It feels just like it was with my ex. Constantly on edge frightened. I want to feel safe and secure and it feels impossible. I can’t take any more temporary accommodation. I’m so tired of it all. I’m terrified. Feel very alone without him. I can’t sleep. I worry the support workers are sick of me. They’re so busy and stressed with extra pandemic stress and I keep bothering them. I’m making it all worse because I don’t feel I can stay in refuge area but now it’s my local connection I think. Several reasons I don’t feel I can stay including that it will forever be a reminder of the abuse. It’s why I’m here and I need to start over. I feel like they’re offended by that and also think they may only have links with housing here so can’t help. I may be panicking and thinking the worse about everything. My mind’s so confused and stressed and I miss my old life. It felt familiar and safe in a way. It feels easier and safer going back to him. I feel horrible and bad for saying it. I’m sorry. I’m scared and so tired of all the worry. I’m probably just not strong enough. All I can think of is my old home and being with him because it was familiar and felt safe. I think I’m finally going mad.
31st January 2021 at 11:49 am #120748
No you’re not going mad you’re processing the abuse. As human beings we crave what is normal, even if it is abuse. Those feelings will pass. It too a long time for me to regain my confidence. I was paranoid, didn’t trust people, was scared of upsetting people and doing and saying the wrong thing. That’s the result of the abuse. Those people around you will absolutely have your best interests at heart which is something the abuser won’t. When I left I felt like I was still in a cycle. Instead of a cycle of abuse it was a cycle of recovery but it was very similar, I was anxious and walking on eggshells then I’d have a meltdown then I’d feel better about things, then I’d get anxious again, paranoid and emotionally fragile and then anxious , then another meltdown then it would pass. This went on for a long time but the days when I felt better got longer and longer. This is the withdrawals phase that’s hard and need to be ridden through. Do you have anything to distract you. Some mindfulness, favourite music, walks. You won’t always feel this way and the waiting must be awful. Try to think of the journey as well as the destination and take it slow. One hour at a time. One day at a time x you will get there x
1st February 2021 at 1:11 pm #120828
I’m sorry. Don’t think I can do this. Council won’t help except temporary. I spoke to the citizens advice. I’m not strong enough for anymore fighting. I was safe with my ex in a nice home and miss being safe with him. He cares and strangers at councils don’t. It’s all blown out of proportion. I think my mental health made me think it’s abuse but it’s not. People think it’s worse than it was and that’s my stupid fault. I wasn’t grateful for what I had. I’m scared it’s too late to go back. It’s not the same as for some of u. Sorry for confusing u. It’s not proper abuse. I’ve messed everything up.
1st February 2021 at 2:12 pm #120834
Hey, abuse causes confusion. Is there someone you can talk to at the refuge? You’ve taken such a big step in leaving. It’s frightening leaving what feels safe and normal but that’s the abuse. Going back may give you temporary relief but he doesn’t care for you. You will be punished for crossing him if you go back. Be careful x
2nd February 2021 at 12:37 am #120875
Thank u for replying. xx
My head’s a mess. Maybe I’m thinking wrong but i think I’m safer with him. I don’t want to overstay my welcome at the refuge. It’s meant to be temporary. I don’t kno if it’s going to be one temporary place after another after another with no security forever. My ex told me that’s what would happen. He’ll be laughing. I’ve lost everything. I felt safe and settled with him. Maybe something’s wrong with me for thinking that. I wish this was all over with. The constant fear and worry. So tired of it. He loves me I think. Maybe this is my punishment for getting him into trouble in the past.
10th February 2021 at 8:59 pm #121468JoyForeverParticipant
I stayed in a refuge as a single woman. I left because of the abuse of my mother. I remember when I arrived it was very overwhelming but all I can say is take your time to process it all. The refuge is there for you to recover and gather your thoughts. I stayed there for about (detail removed by moderator) months and yes it was stressful at times when it comes to the council and rehousing but you’ll get there.
Have you done a homeless application? That one is different than the housing application. I was able to bid on the housing register after I’ve done that. Now, I know it sounds stressful but I had to get a lawyer at the end, which was free. Through that, I finally had my permanent home via the council. It is a process but it is worth fighting for. There is no way that I’d exchange my peaceful life with going to the abuse. Abuse is abuse- no one, absolutely no one has a right to abuse you and make you feel guilty about it. I think what you need is someone to speak to- the refuge staff are there to support you and never think you have overstayed your welcome. You can do it!
10th February 2021 at 10:52 pm #121471EggshellsParticipant
You need to take some time before you make any decisions. The refuge won’t be fed up with you and your not outstaying your welcome. You won’t be safe if you go home. It may be familiar but it won’t be safe. He may indeed be laughing at your struggles right now. That is not the kind of man who you are safe with.
Take a few days, a week, a few weeks if you need. Get yourself feeling more settled. Please consider visiting your GP and explaining how muddled you feel. They may be able to help you.
Your focus right now needs to be on getting yourself into a calmer, more focused state. The housing issue can wait a few days.
When you are calmer, please ask the refuge for help. They are there to help you with exactly this sort of thing. They’ll have seen other women safely through finding a home – it’s their bread and butter and it’s part of what they are paid to do. They should know the process – and it’s obstacles – inside out.
You are craving security at the moment and for now, your brain is confusing security with safety. When you’re feeling like this it can be hard to see the way forward but please try and push through this. It will be worth it when you come out of the other side. xx
11th February 2021 at 10:56 pm #121538
So sorry. Trying to be calm and not panic but today was really really horrible and I don’t kno how to get thru all this. I can’t say what happened but I think I’ve been done over in a way. I want to give up on everything and wish there was an easy way out of life. I really think of it so much but too scared in case it doesn’t work. I’m so sorry for saying this. I just want to be safe but think I’m going to die without ever having that. Refuge definitely want me gone. They’ve said they do. I don’t want to be here either. Something horrible happened and it’s all awful. I want to go home and be safety tucked up there so badly. I can’t ever trust anyone ever again.
Joyforever, that’s so good u got a permanent home. I’d love to have that and feel safe finally but it feels impossible. There’s more people needing housing now cos of corona and less housing probably cos I don’t think many people will want to move home during corona.
I don’t think I even have time to try a solicitor. Did it take many months? I can’t stay at the refuge more than another week so I’ll have to go home and apply from there. If refuge call the police, I’ll be homeless before chance of solicitor doing anything. Spoke to shelter again today. They said council may try to just get me temporary housing and may be hotel room and no guarantee of permanent offer. Think I’ve had it already but not sure cos wasn’t tested. If it’s a private let I’ll have to get back with my ex eventually or be homeless. I miss him so much anyway but don’t kno if he even wants me back now and definitely not if police. Feels like I’ve gone thru all this going to refuge for nothing cos now got to go back but now not even sure I’ll have somewhere to go back to. I want this all to go away and it’s all my own fault for leaving in the first place.
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