20th April 2018 at 6:27 pm #57373phantasmagoricalParticipant
I haven’t posted on here in some time, just dealing with things day to day. Just wanted to share something from recent times as it isn’t sitting well with me.
So (detail removed by moderator) I haven’t really been ready to see anyone, although since (month removed by moderator) I started dating a guy. He was really nice to me at the start, often paying me compliments to the point where I asked myself “am I being love bombed?”. I couldn’t differentiate the effects of my past relationship to potential red flags from the present situation. I did briefly mention past psychological and emotional abuses to this man, to which he said “my ex emotionally abused me too”. This response unsettled me and I can’t figure out why. I don’t know if he was trying to wave away my past or something.
Fast forward a while later and I am going to his house to sleep over. We get to being intimate but at some point I say I’m uncomfortable, I’m not quite ready, and I just want to get something to eat and drink and gather myself. He knew I hadn’t been involved with someone for a while. But he reacted almost aggressively. He started sulking and said “why did you even come over this weekend then?”. Something about the way he was behaving, like he was angry at my unreadiness, made me feel really unsafe. I was crying a bit and tried to perk myself up and convince him I was ready, even though I wasn’t really ready. We went through with it shortly after, and there was points he was hurting me and I tried to get out of the position but he just told me to be quiet and kept me in the same position.
Afterwards he was even stranger, he would barely speak to me other than to say he felt he took advantage of me, and I felt I had to put everything aside to comfort him. Halfway through dinner (as we went to eat afterwards), he stopped and said he had no appetite and said he thought I should go home as he couldn’t be around anybody. He wouldn’t even look me in the eye.
His attitude has been really dismissive since then. I tried to talk to him about it but he flat out said he didn’t care about my feelings and wasn’t ready for “my problems” – like throwing the little I’d told him of my past experience in my face. At least this is what it felt like.
He hasn’t spoken to me in about 11 days and I have gone and blocked him, as thinking of him now makes me feel sick. I think he just used me for sex but it’s all the feelings along the way that are an unwelcome reminder of how I was when I first turned to this forum for advice and support.
I’ve been feeling quite down and tried to self-harm the other day, which is a first in a long time. I don’t know if this has got under my skin in ways I’m not fully conscious of yet.
Just had to say this.
20th April 2018 at 6:59 pm #57374maddogParticipant
I am sorry you have had this horrible experience. What is different this time is that you were recognising the signs, and you have blocked him. You have re-experienced something plain nasty. It sounds like you changed your mind about sex and he carried on. This is not consensual sex. It is rape. He did take advantage of you and it is not your responsibility to comfort a rapist! I think it is the shock that makes us do these things, and self-protection.
Please remember that this is not your fault at all. Rape Crisis are fantastic. Maybe you already know that. The Samaritans are always there thank goodness.
20th April 2018 at 10:33 pm #57379SunshineRainflowerParticipant
I’m sorry to hear you went through this, I’m not surprised you are upset. I think we tend to downplay other people’s horrible behaviour and blame ourselves as somewhere along the line someone taught us to take the blame for everything.
When I was reading it I got a bad feeling as it reminded me of when I first slept with my abusive ex. He seemed to be a lovely sweet caring kind man and so when we ended up in bed I went along with it trusting him. He was v seductive. Then it was like a switch flipped, he went cold and distant and implied I should leave and started joking that I’d seduced him, shaming me for being sexual (and then denied it later of course confusing me).
A positive is that you’ve seen his true colours before you got involved and have blocked him now. Don’t do what I did and doubt your memory of what happened. It sounds like he pressured you into sex, guilt tripped you into it then played the victim – a classic abuser. Another positive is that you noticed it early on with the compliments. I still find them v hard to spot too, it’s hard to tell genuine compliments from manipulation sometimes.
Please ring the helpline and rape crisis too because you need help and support especially if you are self harming. You did nothing wrong, you were just targeted by another rotten abuser and I’m so sorry for that, I wish we could rid the earth of them.
Have you had any therapy or done courses in how to break the cycle of ending up with these types of men? It’s very common to end up with one after the other and usually means we have more inner healing work to do, don’t give up hope.
22nd April 2018 at 8:34 am #57429fridgesParticipant
It sounds very bad experience, if you have agreed to come over for the weekend it does not give him the right to presume he has the right over your body – An automated access to it, just because you agree to spend time with him. This is wrong and what he did is wrong.
That he said these words – I think I took an advantage of you, he started to feel bad about himself and you even then you started comforting him.
I had a very bad rape, and then he was diverting my attention from it – by suicide attempts, that it is done because he loves me so much, and i refused to see him after that accident. And I found myself in the comforting my own rapist, that he should not kill himself and tried to make him happy, and helping out. How pathetic is it?
I was in a mummy role for many people in my life and for him I took this comforting role too.
You did the right thing – that you blocked him, when we go on a date, our date should not be like this when it is normal.
To say – he is not ready for “your problems” in his head he is already shifting his bad things to you. Like it is your problem what he did to you. It is not his fault.
The abusers – never think about themselves as abusers, in their case – they think about themselves far superior, and their action all perfectly justified.
in my case – the abuser, rape me instantly once he knew which life i had in the past, which difficulties happened to me – it gave him a legit reason to use me as a sex doll, sex slave made for his pleasures, just because in the past worse things happened, and what he is doing now – it is only a bit.
They make it up in their head such justifications.
1st May 2018 at 5:17 am #57793ChickadeeParticipant
Anyone can give compliments it takes sincerity ,respect, and true caring to be supportive. If you can not differentiate between the past relationship and the red flags of new ones, your not ready. Sharing too much too soon or in general may not be a good idea, while it is upfront and honest it also opens you up, making you vulnerable, and a target again for the wrong type of person. The fact that he so easily came forward and matched your abuse is scary, manipulative. You stated yourself it made you uncomfortable. Go with your feelings. If the guy was genuine you would have not been uncomfortable.
Sexual encounter. You stated that you were uncomfortable. And that you would rather just go grab a bite to eat. This guy guilt trips you by making you feel guilty about being with him and coming over and disrespects you by coercing you into sex. You told him it was hurting you and he td you to keep quiet and wouldnt let you out of the position. Been there. That’s rape.
Afterwards. He did take advantage of you. Some of the behaviors here describe someone that may actually feel bad about it, but they are also behaviors that could be associated with someone trying to get out of it. The fact that he states he does not care about how you feel is huge, because even if he were dealing with guilt about it a decent respectful guy would be concerned about your feelings and want to communicate.
Focus on you. Get yourself strong and relationship ready. With that strength you will find yourself standing up to these types. Start by putting posties up around your place, mirror, closet, frig. Write “I am worthy” “I am beautiful” “I deserve to be treated with respect” and anything else that makes you feel good and psychs you positively. Please don’t self harm, then they win, instead of you.
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