Not feeling very strong

[godschild]

I have not been on here as much lately, we have been away and had a few weekend breaks to see our Grandaughters as well. My Womans aid phone calls ended and I have no regular one to one support. He has been nicer at times then not nice, but i have not given into the cycle of abuse, I have stayed strong but this last weekend he was so nice and I felt drawn back into him, I knew he would change again , im under no illusions but my feelings for him were strong, not sure if its trauma bonding or not, he did change and is horrible now again, I did not give into my feelings, i have kept this way for over (detail removed by moderator) now,not being drawn back into his cycle but started to dream he will change again and last went bed in tears last night as I felt so dissapointed at how he changes, today I have lots of memories of how awful he was at the start of the year, he is like two different men. Not being on here so much has made me a bit complacent with it all and feel I need to post to get back to being as strong as I was.
I have done some positive things, I had a lady for dinner whom we both used to have for dinner every so often, she has OCD and sligtht autism, I told him I was not going to be false so I saw her alone, he did not like it although he said he did not mind, but his behavoir and body language said different in fact he has turned on her in his attitude. I felt much more at ease on my own with her and enjoyed the evening
Just wish I was not up and down in my feelings so much for him, but I did say the other day that abuse goes in cycle and he said that does not happen any more so he has noticed that I do not fall back in with him like i used to, but i long to be cuddled and have a proper relationship , its just so hard to cope at times, feel tearful today and low. There have been good times and better times that make it so hard.

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Hello Godschild. I hope you are feeling better. You are so strong do not forget that. You are putting boundaries in place and you should be proud of yourself. Also, it is great that you met with this friend alone it is so important that you are able to do that. My perpetrator did not let me mix with anyone and disliked my friends so I am glad you were able to do that because I had no release I kept quiet for a very long time. I am thankful that you are able to get support on here. Just keep talking to us. Are you able to go for walks to clear your head? I try to list all the positive things in my life which helps me a lot it might work for you. Just take each day as it comes and remember sometimes you have to take a few steps back before you move forward. Keep believing. We are all here for you you are not alone in this x*x

[lover of no contact]

Hi godschild,

I can understand why you’re feeling low and teary as you’ve just come out of being on the receiving end of the ‘nasty’ part of the ‘nasty/nice’ cycle of behaviour. The ‘red phase’ of the abuse cycle. You’ve just been abused that’s why you feel like you do. I remember it well. I’m still experiencing it at times (just last week) but from my ‘work-colleague abusers’.

His niceness is not really ‘nice’. Its called manipulation. Its nasty/manipulation, nasty/manipulation that’s the cycle. It appears ‘nice’ but its really manipulation. Its just so he can draw you back into the relationship so he can smack you emotionally again.

Positiveandlookingahead, gives good support suggestions. I find a walk everyday with nature really comforts me when low after abuse. I remember I used to feel safe with nature and say to myself ‘well the trees won’t hurt me, the flowers won’t verbally abuse me, the sky won’t put me down, the birds won’t give me the hostile looks, the water won’t treat me disrespectfully. I felt safe there.

Also other things that heal us when we’ve been hurt and need healing are rest (lots of it), sleep, and water (being by it), or showering in it, or taking a bath and even drinking it. Rest, sleep and water.

I’m also, trying to use the Power of gratitude. Even for all the little things. And then I say thankyou for the people who were kind to me today, who complimented me, or maybe the stranger shop assistant who was respectful in her interactions with me or the person who smiled at me. These remembered kindnesses help to counteract the coldness, the rudeness, the lack of warmth, the lack of respect, the lack of kindness of my abusers. Which when I think about it they are to be pitied (NOT) as they lack so much. They have no manners, no warmth, no honesty, no kindness (any they do is for show, fake), no truth, no patience, no true humour (they only laugh at others!, no altruistic behaviour (anything good they do is for their own self-serving interests), no love to give.

Actually we are lucky as we have those qualities in full. They are so lacking. I suppose if you don’t have it, you can’t give it. I need to lower my expectations, I can’t expect an abuser/psychopath/n********t to be a normal human being (then they wouldn’t have the title of an abuser).

[Ayanna]

Hugs, Godschild. I hope you feel better again and show him your boundaries. x*x

[godschild]

Thankyou all Ladies, your support means a lot, I have agorahobia so in the main can only go out with him but yesterday I walked alone only a few minuetes to post a letter.
I am spending a lot of time in the garden at the moment trying to enjoy nature and the flowers and lighting candles out there in the evenings.
Im never sure if the nice side is totally false or not, what I do know is it never lasts.
I am also trying to have rest and have just got a water feature for the garden in the sales.
Ayanna, im keeping those bounderies, may have slipped a little the past few weeks but they are there , thank you again ladies xx

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