Not going to reach out to cultural specialists whats wrong is wrong,

[runner]

So I reached out to southhall black sisters, they phoned me back but unfortunately I was working however I have tried to get back to them. Ad no joy. I haven’t given up but feel like im in a bizarre situation. Thats very unusual. As most know before i had my child my partner had told me he was married but could not reconcile. Part of the reason he could not reconcile was they could not have children but all of the flack she would get off his family.

After I got pregnant (removed by moderator) he said he could not divorce his wife wanted a nikah (islamic wedding) would be staying with his wife till baby was born and see me (detail removed by moderator). I told him if im pregnant baby is here already. You arn’t statying with her at all. At the time he said he promised her parents he would look after her and he loved her at which point I asked if he is sleeping with her. He replied no he told her he cannot sleep with her. He claims its cultural. But the circumstances are such that he had gone passed culture.

I have asked to speak to his wife but he asaid hed arrange it and never did. When I later asked him why he did’t he said he didn’ feel the need to arrange it. Every time I have pointed out whats wrong has said hell do something about ut but hasn’t. I don’t think he’ll divorce his wife so its all upto me. The house his wife lives in is his house and he is paying the mortgage. I prrsonally think he had an affair and doesn’t want me to know whats happened or been said so he has mannipulated everything to suit himself.

Since I told him I am pregnant he has been sleeping downstairs. He asked me if Im going to put dds cot in the other room and told me (removed by moderator) Sounding ike he is detaching himself from me anyway. So strange.

I’ve been trying to understand the cultural aspect but dispite this mannipulation, via lies and control are invovled here.

I know I have to do something about it and will when I am ready. But defo not reaching out to anyone other than refuge or womans aid. I don’t feel these other help groups are helpful.

[haggis]

I haven’t posted much here, but just wanted to send some support as I have also got some cultural issues in my case.

It’s so important not to be side tracked by those issues, and to see the abuse for what it is. I think we all spend so long justifying the abuse, and trying so hard to make things work and blame ourselves. When we finally see that we are being abused, it’s really important to focus on that and listen to people who are going to support us.

So it sounds as if you are doing the right thing turning down offers from people who you might expect to understand, but don’t, or don’t want to. Stick to one or two organisations who seem to have your needs and feelings at heart. THe cultural stuff is really really hard to get your head round but it can be extremely damaging for you and your child. Don’t underestimate that side of things. It doesn’t matter if on the outside people don’t see big blood spattered incidents or your partner is trying to put on a rational head. THis must be really affecting your perception of lots of things, your self esteem, future plans, security.

[runner]

Future plans and security. For all I know he may have promise his wife a part in our daughters life. But the going down stairs thing is weird. It may be something he is more comfortable but Its a bit weird to me. He doesn’t have any post come her except for one letter. Amd his house is in his name hos gp is still by his house (removed by moderator. So well out of catchment area.

[Peaceful Pig]

I think you are right. Confusing the matter with his apparent cultural beliefs just distracts from his behaviour. They are not your beliefs. You owe him (and his wife) absolutely nothing and you don’t have to put him on the birth certificate. He owes you some commitment but he clearly has no intention of providing it xx

[runner]

Think he sees his commitment as having children. Thing is peacefulpig, he is on my childs birth certificate. He ks ok as far as looking after our daughter is. But seems very absent in terms of discussing the future etc. Tried to get him to come on a holiday with me and my mum and he said he couldn’t afford it.

I am scared to leave him with our dzughter in case he takes her to see his wife. As I believe in my heart he has promised his wife some interraction.

[Author]

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