10th February 2016 at 9:47 am #9433
I’m on day 6 of antidepressants and today I feel foggy and tired. I really hope in another week it wears off.
I’m possibly going away for a weekend in a couple of weeks with old friends. Wasn’t going to but some of them said I really should. One has just emailed everyone with some details and has not mentioned me. I know there could be a hundred reasons for this, and it sounds very egotistical of me, but it’s got me down. It seams pointed to me, she can be very unsympathetic, and its as if she’s saying, everyone’s got problems, get a grip. I know I’ll worry about going now.
Is this a hangover from abuse? It’s why I’d rather just not merry with people at moment.
10th February 2016 at 9:47 am #9434
Meet, not merry!
10th February 2016 at 10:16 am #9439godschildParticipant
Many people have cut me off , they don’t have a clue about what abuse is like, but even some who do have cut me off, its horrible but you find our genuine people and sadly there are not many around.
It won’t help to be with people that don’t understand or have an attitude to you, you need people who understand and really care.
Hang on in there with anitdepressants it does get better.
My supporter said to me yesterday that its the other poeples problems not yours, the abuser makes you feel so worthless and low and he blames you for everything so you think you are the issue but its not you , other poeple cut you off for their own issue and reasons, I alwyas feel its me but coming on here I see many ladies have lost family an friends through the abuse, its a lonley ride.
10th February 2016 at 10:23 am #9440White RoseParticipant
Merry might be a good outcome though!
Try to go if only for part of weekend? , why not reply to the email and say “Hi, sorry have been a bit down lately and not in touch but I’d love to come and see you all for a bit”
It’s hard but take the first step but if you do you may well have a fab time! If you don’t just explain you’re feeling rotten and leave early. Stay off the booze though – antidepressants really don’t mix well with it in the beginning, when you’re on a stable dose you might try but I wouldn’t recommend it yet xx
10th February 2016 at 12:38 pm #9447
Hi Eve – sorry you are not feeling better yet.
I think you should go away (if you feel you can afford it??) Im so bad at shutting myself away, and cutting myself off from the outside world when I’m feeling low – but really its the worst thing you can do – if I MAKE myself go out or invite friends over I ALWAYS feel better for it.
Isolation is not good for you when you are feeling low – and I know how hard it can be to socialise, but you do feel the benefit of it if you can MAKE yourself do it.
If your friends have asked you and are saying they want you to come, then they do care, and want you to be a part of this weekend too.
Just ignore the one who is being nasty to you (people don’t know what it feels like to go through what WE’VE been through, and they don’t understand) some are naturally more sympathetic and caring than others, and in any group of friends there will always be some you get along better with, than others – so spend more time with the ones who CARE about you, and the ones you get along best with – and as for the other one – all you have to do is be nice and polite to her and that’s all – if she’s not prepared to make an effort with you, then don’t go out of your way to spend the time on her either.
It’s nice that they are making the effort to include you and want you to join them – a little while back when I was low one of my friends made the effort to include me, and asked me to go to the school fundraising Bingo night – I didn’t go for I couldn’t afford it – but I felt so bad as she’d made the effort to include me – when my other two friends hadn’t thought to ask me.
It’s so nice when folk take the time in their day to think of you and ask how you are doing – its just so lovely to get a message or a text to say hiya, how you doing, thinking of you etc. It really warms my heart to think that for just a moment of that day, that person took the time to think of you and contact you.
I think you should go if you have the money, it will do you good to get away and have a good ‘girly time’ with your friends, a good chat and a few laughs can do wonders for your morale.
Just ignore that nasty one – she has no idea what you have been through, and if she thinks you should be ‘over it’ now, ignore that ‘attitude’ – there is no time limit on recovery, we all heal in our own time, and she obviously does not understand the after effects of abuse – it doesn’t just go away and your fine again – it takes time.
10th February 2016 at 1:31 pm #9449SerenityParticipant
I had a dreadful time adapting to tablets. They say it takes 6 weeks to take effect/ see the benefits, and that they can initially make you feel worse. Mine did: I felt tired, groggy and tearful.
I was told to ride it out, but after 3-4 weeks I sensed those tablets weren’t for me, so I was out on different ones, and the side effects were much better and I felt more able to cope almost immediately.
I was changed from Fluoxetine on to Citalopram.
Of course, we all suit different tablets, so you need to find out what’s good for you.
I hope you find the right dosage and tablet. Until you feel that you are on more of an even keel, take things gently and treat yourself like a precious jewel! It’s good to venture a bit out of your comfort zone and to keep moving, but there are extenuating circumstances ( problems adapting to medication etc) which might mean certain things are too much at present.
Only you know your friendship group and your cut will tell you what is the best thing to do right now. When you make a decision, don’t waste time feeling guilty about it. You need to protect yourself and surround yourself with supportive people when you are feeling low, and of you have a hunch that being with this particular group won’t be able to provide what you need right now ( you might enjoy it in a few months’ or a year’s time ) then you need to take control of your healing and make a decision that is right for you.
I know people who think the best way to help others who are low is to tell them to ‘get a grip’ but indeed this can be very detrimental to someone who is genuinely struggling.
If you are at a low point, make sure you aren’t isolating yourself entirely. Keep the channel of communication open with supportive people, who will ‘walk with you’ at this time x
10th February 2016 at 1:59 pm #9458AyannaParticipant
I take rhodiola root and some other supplements to get my balance back. Definitely no meds, they mess me up and I want to have a clear head. I do not understand why the doctors drug abused women up so much. There is a huge percentage of abused women who is on anti depressants and I doubt that is really necessary. The first line treatment should be counselling, intense counselling, not drugs, that can lead to addiction. That is my vey critical take on this. There are countries who do not give drugs to abused women but counsel them quickly. I think it is about how much worth women have in society. Drugs are cheaper and to me this shows that women are not regarded very worthy in our society. They get the cheap treatment and good bye.
They try to do this to me too but I do not accept that. My supplements and the books I read will get me out of that hole with time. If they do not want to give me counselling they can keep it. I do not depend on them and if the counselling is too precious for women like me they can put it up their …..
I do not have friends anymore. During all the bad times not even one of them found the time to visit me, they were too busy all of a sudden. But they contact me when they need something, even now. I do not want to mingle with people who have such bad character. That is beyond me now.
I plan a holiday on my own to a very nice place and I will spoil myself and enjoy every minute of it. I know those stupid people who said they were my friends cannot have such a holiday. That gives me some satisfaction, that I am above them. I develop an attitude and that is because I receive bad treatment everywhere. It helps me to see my own value and to appreciate myself as a worthy woman.
10th February 2016 at 4:21 pm #9466
Thank you for all your replies. It’s great to have your input and very interesting.
I would really rather not take medication and i see it as a short term thing. I wouldn’t want to take anything herbal without seeing a practitioner though, and that would cost, but i will think about taking supplements skin side meds this time. I think all of us who have been abused can see that women are not valued by a lot of men. That’s why we have to value ourselves. I can see now how little I valued myself whilst married, even before then, and definitely after, when I had to make decisions about what I wanted from divorce and did not feel strong at all and definitely didn’t have the insight I have now. I’m dwelling on this a bit at the moment as i didn’t get long term security. But at least thinking about it helps me remember exactly what i felt like at that time and how he behaved. Once he realised i wouldn’t go back he went into battle about everything and I’d had enough of all the years of that and just wanted to put a stop to it, and I can’t beat myself up too much for that.
I have not really made new friends since I split with my ex. However, at least when I do meet new people I am free to be myself.
I think I will probably go on this trip, but I’ll give myself a bit longer to decide. I think, as long as I feel I’m doing all I can to get a job, I will go, at least for one night, though a lift with a friend is appealing. Mostly they are a positive group of friends with regards to my situation.
I’m also taking citalopram and have had it before. I think this time I can’t just sit back and let it work, as I probably did the first time I took them. So I’m a bit more impatient maybe. The worst thing is feeling tired. I seem to be waking early and not able to get back to sleep but this may settle down. I’m trying add much as possible to eat healthily and do a bit of walking, though my legs are achey. Not sure if that’s the tablets or not.
Thanks again, ladies. I feel like you are all my friends. I’ve rambled on a bit, but it helps.
10th February 2016 at 6:50 pm #9469godschildParticipant
Agree Ayanna re drugs, its all they seem to give is drugs there is no is no in depth proper deep counselling on NHs, it s all superficial from what I see in my area. I have just had my community mental health appointment come and its to go to themm, My GP knows I cannot go to his surgery in daylight hours in a built up area with mny agoraphobia and this is worse. I was told they only do home visit for the housebound, but I know a lady 5 minuetes from me with OCD she can go out anywhere yet gets home visits, I despair of the NHS.
also re Frinds I have come the end with people in my life who have taken care and good things from me yet in my desperate hour has have ignored me for weeks,even my own son I cut my FB page to 3 people a few weeks ago, its horrible when you give out and give out and people only want to take from you and use you, ive had it with them all, it hard to find a true friend who sticks by you though thick and thin.
10th February 2016 at 7:00 pm #9471CutieSunshineParticipant
I have been given Fluoxetine because I cant stop crying , I am worried it will make me worse. what have you been prescribed eve1
10th February 2016 at 7:45 pm #9473
I’m taking citalopram. It seemed to work before. Of you don’t like the one you’re on you can go back to your gp. You’ll have to give it a couple of weeks. I know they’re not ideal, as this thread shows, but alternatives are lead easy to findfind. I think of out as temporary.
Hour you get some relief soon.
11th February 2016 at 2:43 am #9507
I think you should go on the trip – they have asked you so must want you to join them, you should feel proud that they value you, and your friendship, and want you to be a part of their gathering.
I would be so epleased if that were me, and I’d been asked to be a part of a group event like that – I always feel like the odd one out – no matter how hard I try to be nice to people, its all ‘one sided’, its always ME who has to do all the running, make the effort to stay in contact etc – its always ME who messages them……I just never feel good enough…..
I just feel so dull, so boring, so uninteresting – like nobody wants to listen to what I say & nobody hears me….
My life is so tediously, mind numbingly, dreary, so who WOULD want to listen to what I have to say – nobody that’s who……
I have no personality,no sense of humour, I’m stupid, thick, ugly, fat.
I have no confidence to speak in a group, I’m too shy,
I really wish you well Eve – I hope you go, and have a fantastic time – will be so good for you to go away and have a bit of time on your own – you desereve to enjoy yourself – you desereve to have a bit of life – just some time away, time with friends, when you don’t have to worry about your daughter, your ex, the bills, a job etc.
Go on treat yourself!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂
11th February 2016 at 12:33 pm #9530
M.u.M you are such a lovely person. Thank you for your encouragement.
I also not that confident in s group, especially where I don’t know people well and like you, my life is so routine I am pretty boring, but so what! That’s how my life is now. Maybe in the future it may change.
All those negative things you think about yourself I think are a habit, probably learned long ago. I want to somehow unteach out of you but my brain’s not functioning well enough! I want you to look at yourself and see one positive thing. We could all tell you some. Kind, brave enough to leave an abuser. And you’re not thick. That much is obvious from what you write.
I am trying out on a temp job today which could go on for s free weeks. They actually serum nice, normal people and SSSI gar it’s easy. However, my daughter had a huge panic streak before she went to school after I’d left and ended up staying home. It was awful. She’s ok now. So it’s an up and down day.
12th February 2016 at 10:01 am #9567
Hi Eve – thank you for your reply and for your kind words…..
I just wasn’t to feel special to someone, have friends that MAKE time for me, and WANT TO spend time with me and do things with me, I get tired being the one who constantly does all the running and makes all the effort to keep in contact – just every now and then if they would message ME FIRST – and say thinking of you – how you doing – let’s meet for a coffee – let’s go out for lunch – let’s go to pics etc.
But they are all in relationships, and don’t think of us who are alone……
Did you get the temp job?
Is your daughter OK again now?
Right time for work…..
Thank you again for your nice words….. x*x
12th February 2016 at 1:00 pm #9577
Hi Mixed up Mum,
I know what you mean. And I have felt lucky to have these friends even though we all live in different parts of the country. You’re right, people in couples do not always think of their single friends. Right now I feel more comfortable on my own though. Maybe when the tablets start working a bit more I’ll feel better.
My daughter is better today, gone to school thank goodness.
This job is ok and the people are very nice so I hope they ask me to stay. Just waiting to find out. I feel grotty today. Wouldn’t be surprised if they don’t want me.
13th February 2016 at 2:59 pm #9625SerenityParticipant
Just wanted to say something to Mixed Up Mum (and Eve):
M.U.M, it sounds like you’ve really internalised the negative things your abuser has said to you.
This is the horrible outcome of abuse. If you are treated badly, you begin to feel like nothing. That is the effect of abuse.
I know how it is. I still struggle to overcome this myself.
However, when you see or hear other people doing it, you can see it so clearly, and want to reassure them that the problem isn’t them!
Something we women need to keep reminding ourselves is that these abusers don’t get involved in anything that won’t benefit them in some way. They notoriously get involved with women who have qualities which they can use to their advantage. In effect, they saw you and saw something good and attractive that they wanted to take for themselves.
These selfish abusers wouldn’t get involved with women who had nothing to offer. It is a sad fact that the nicest women get used and abused and made to feel like nothing. Abusers are parasites and drain us of energy and rip away our confidence, leaving what seems like an empty shell.
Our challenge is to not allow ourselves to be defined by this person’s maltreatment of us. When they criticise and are cruel to us, it is not because of a fault in us but because of their own negative feelings, such as envy or jealousy. In fact, the brighter and more happy and successful you are, the more they try to make you feel like nothing. Mine even made me feel like I was an imposter for even thinking I could handle a rewarding and responsible job, like I had ideas above my station and should get back to chopping veg!
All it is is a sickness within them- a sickness with their ego. They can’t cope with having a partner who can hold her own, who has confidence, who is attractive and able, so they brainwash us into thinking we are worthless.
I am still going through this struggle at times, mainly when he does something horrible. It is a reaction to the abuse.
But please believe that you are not that boring, washed up and incapable person that you think you are. You’re listening to his words of jealousy, and you’re believing that the abuse was because of you. It wasn’t.
Our challenge is to find a way of rediscovering our core, which I believe is there untouched by the abuser- the part he couldn’t reach.
I believe we all have it deep within. We built up all kinds of defence mechanisms to survive and cope, and I think to bury and protect this core.
Both of you lovely ladies sound very wise and intelligent and kind and fair to me, as well as very strong and courageous. You have some qualities that actually not everyone on the planet has. Look at it that way, rather than compare and down yourself, because one thing that breaks my heart is that we women are far too self- critical and too excusing of others, and in fact the women here who have been treated dreadfully are all wonderful with amazing strengths and qualities, as you are!
14th February 2016 at 12:18 pm #9662
Hi Serenity – thank you for taking the time to reply, and for your advice, you are so understanding, and always seem to know just what to say.
The thing is my lack of confidence is one thing that I can’t blame him for!!! Name calling was something he actually didn’t do – so he’s not the reason I feel the way I do about myself.
No – there IS NO getting away from it I AM all those things I said I was – honest I am.
I AM stupid,ugly, and fat with no sense of humour, and no personality – and that’s the way I’ve always been, and always will be……..
(Last night a friend invited me over for a few drinks and some food, which was lovely of her, there was five of us there – and I was the only quiet one, they were all telling tales of drunken nights out in their young days, and funny stories, well me I sat there quiet – I had nothing to say, nothing worth talking about, I had no funny stories. Three of them were very big personalities, and very loud, one was quieter like me, but still not as quiet as me.
You see this is the thing, I long to get asked out and be included, and be with friends (mind you they were her friends and not mine I didn’t know them all that well) but when I get there I can’t join in, and I have nothing to say, I feel embarrassed.)
I said at the start of this post, that I didn’t blame my abuser for who I am/why I’m like this, but when I think back to my young days (yes I was still quiet and shy, and yes I still lacked confidence but) I did have slightly more ‘fun in me’ in those days, I did laugh more and I was slightly more bubbly, maybe he didn’t directly call me names etc, but still zapped my confidence to ZERO……
When we got together all those years ago…..(I was a lot younger then!!!!) And I was never what you would say ‘good looking’ but I wasn’t unattractive, however the years have not been ‘kind’ to me and I hate what I see when I look in a mirror, sometimes I will go days and not look in the mirror for I don’t like the woman who looks back at me.
My ex was my first real boyfriend ( I didn’t exactly have them queuing at the door for me!!!!), and within 6wks of getting together, we moved in togeter, and we were happy, he was my world, until the kids came along….that’s when he got jealous and the trouble started……
I don’t know, maybe it IS the years of abuse that HAVE taken their toll on me and who I am/was…..
Maybe over the years the sadness, and the daily pressure of living with him, has taken away the last remaining bit of ‘personality’ I had……taken away any sense of fun I had…..and I don’t know how to (or if I can) get that back……
He gradually over the years cut me off from friends and family, he made it difficult for me to phone people, he made a fuss if I went out, so I stopped going out, he made it obvious he did not like my friends and family coming past, so bit by bit I became more isolated…..and withdrawn from the outside world.
I don’t know if he actually knew himself what he was doing…..I certainly didn’t at the time – it was only after I left him I then saw his subtle ways of isolating me……
You say Serenity that the REAL us is still inside there somewhere, and can be rediscovered – well I hope so – I hope I can find her again some day, and bring her out – and start LIVING again……
I thank yoy Serenity for your kind words of advice and your support.
Take care x*x
14th February 2016 at 6:48 pm #9684
Thank you for that. I do still suffer from low self esteem, from childhood and from my ex husband’s abuse, I’m sure. What you said about abusers makes sense. They are in it for themselves.
So what you said is useful to me in helping to rebuild some self esteem. I know I have more than I did when i was with him, anyway. I’m a good few years out and have definitely come so far along the road as far as healing goes. But, as you say, I’m still quick to criticise myself. I’ll think of your words though, next time in being hard on myself.
So thank you again
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