14th January 2022 at 4:28 pm #137101Kitkat44Participant
Am working in a safe plan to leave with my support worker. The thing that I keep getting stuck on is not leaving a ‘goodbye’ I know I don’t have to explain myself but hmmm just thought I’d seek you’re wise pearls of wisdom.
This is so so hard. It’s so sad.
Sending love xx
14th January 2022 at 4:39 pm #137102Grey RockParticipant
I emailed once I was somewhere safe. Xx
14th January 2022 at 5:19 pm #137105nbumblebeeParticipant
Not that i have the right to give you advice but Im gonna try, If you are wanting to leave a note to make it easier for him to make him feel better dont he doesnt deserve it, if you need to write one for you for your own mental health then go for it, do what you think will make it hurt less for you not him. You are whats important stay safe x*x
14th January 2022 at 5:30 pm #137106gettingtiredParticipant
I read someone on the forum who wrote their leaving email in advance before leaving then sent it once they were away and safe. It sounds like that would take the stress off of having to think about what you’re going to say on the day. Some ladies have called them (once away and safe) and told them via phone call before blocking them x
14th January 2022 at 6:45 pm #137110KIP.Participant
Write that note to him pour your heart out and take it with you. Writing him a note is giving him ammunition to fire right back at you. He will twist everything you say in it and make himself out to be the victim. He will hold that note over you for years to come. Don’t do it. Get yourself out and safe and when your head is clear of abuse I’m sure you can write him a completely different one but by then you won’t want to.
14th January 2022 at 10:39 pm #137125MedusaParticipant
Good luck KitKat! I would agree with KIP, be careful as it can be used against you. If you leave one make it factual.
Wish you well and hope that whatever your children decided will work for them. Besides they can always change their mind, it’s not final for them.
15th January 2022 at 2:23 am #137128Twisted SisterParticipant
good for you Kitkat44
Its good to hear you are working on a plan.
You know him and how he twists what you say, uses it against you and manipulates.
What you are saying is what any feeling human would say under normal circumstances, but I don’t believe that he will take your words in the way you mean them so that would seem a lot of wasted emotion and effort for you, in your attempt to make him feel better, which you can’t do.
In leaving you also need to really let go, walk away and don’t look back, leave it behind you. He has brought things to this level, which might be one thing you could say but it won’t help anything. Walk away and all a note needs to say is that you have left and won’t be back please don’t try to contact me I’ve blocked you on all media. Something along those lines. It might be worth adding that attempts to contact you will be taken as harrassment as you do not wish to speak to or see him again.
What does your worker recommend?
16th January 2022 at 8:18 pm #137242Kitkat44Participant
Thank you all for your input. It feels so uncivil after all these years but when I remember how I’ve felt as a result of his words and actions I don’t feel the need as much. I’ve tried writing one just out of curiosity and there is nothing that I want to say! I have tried to talk to him so many times, and as you quite rightly pointed out it can be used against me later on. So now I feel ok with not leaving one.
So grateful for your wisdom
Sending love xx
16th January 2022 at 8:57 pm #137247LottieblueParticipant
Hey @Kitkat44 – I was exactly the same. I agonised over it. It felt so wrong. I think it was maybe part of the reason why I felt the need to have the Red Line of him losing his temper with me – I got all my ducks lined up and then waited, and it was almost as if his loss of temper gave me permission to go without an explanation.
I’m not saying at all that this is the right way to do it. But it was the only way I could square not telling him why. You can’t win. I couldn’t. He will go on abusing. And on. Doesn’t matter how much of a decent person you are. He won’t understand.
16th January 2022 at 10:31 pm #137255Wants To HelpParticipant
The only note I would recommend you leave is one that informs him you have left him and taken the children with you and that you will be in contact via solicitors (or another third party) in a few days. That way, it will hopefully prevent him from calling the police to report you all as missing.
If he reports you as missing then the police will have to make enquiries. They will actively look for you and insist on seeing you in person to ensure that you are safe and well and have left of your own accord. This is because some men have murdered their partner and then reported them ‘missing’. When the police do make contact with you and find out you have left him due to domestic abuse they will then insist speaking to you to record the domestic abuse you have experienced and complete a DASH Risk Assessment – it’s not a case of simply telling them you have left of your own accord because you’ve had enough of the abuse! The fact that a man has phoned to report his wife/partner as missing will be enough for the police to have to record an ’emotional domestic incident’ at the very least, even if you tell them it’s simply because ‘the marriage has broken down’. Then depending on what you disclose they may insist on taking it further.
Unfortunately, there have been situations where ladies have made excellent plans to leave safely and put everything in place to move on with their lives without involving the police, only to find the police become involved anyway because their abuser has reported them as missing. So, a note to tell him you have left him intentionally may alleviate all of the above!
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