Not Mentioning/Acknowledging Abuse

[gumshoe6]

Hi,
This might seem kind of weird or random but I wanted to know if anyone else experiences this.
So, my father can be very physically, verbally and emotionally abusive but it happens in cycles – i.e. bad few weeks / happy few weeks – but it’s often hard to predict which mood he will be in.
ANYWAY, when he hits me, I’ll try and shut myself away from him until he gives up. Then, next morning, when I see him and I’m bruised/red and not talking to him. He will say “he didn’t realise he hit me” or “he didn’t mean to” but never sorry… (Sometimes he says that I’m just being ‘annoying’ or ‘antisocial l*****c’ by not talking to him.) He will then sulk for about a week while I ignore him until my mum makes me be friends with him again.
As soon as I talk to him again its like nothing happened and he doesn’t understand how I could ever be mad with him because we’re like best friends. I don’t understand why it’s never acknowledged. It’s like he’s two people or something.
Does this happen with anyone else?
Thanks 🙂

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi gumshoe6

Welcome to the forum honey, it’s very good you’ve reached out for help.
I am very sorry your father is hitting you, this is terrible horrible physical abuse.
It is very wrong and he should stop or be stopped.
You’re doing very well by shutting yourself away from him to avoid any further hits. Keep protecting yourself the best you can.

It is NOT normal that your father is hitting you.
He is abusive. Terribly abusive.
It is NOT your fault.
The reason he isn’t acknowledging his abuse makes it not real in his mind. So when it’s not real he won’t have to change his abusive behaviour.
That’s why he is not saying sorry, nor apologising, nor talking about it.
He will never change. He will always continue.
I also want to say that it is perfectly normal to be mad at him for what he is doing. You are reacting in a healthy way and are right to be mad at him and wanting to stay away from him.
I have no words about your mother’s reaction, this is soul crushing, you definitely do NOT have to be friends with someone who’s hitting you. Quite the contrary; you stay away and protect yourself from someone who’s hurting you.

Would you feel okay to call the police and tell what is happening to you at home?
Or if you prefer you can contact Women’s Aid and they can help you.
If you feel comfortable with your GP, this is also a good place to seek support and tell them what is happening to you, show them your bruises, check if anything is broken.

Can you confide in a friend and/or family member outside your home who treats you with kindness and respect, who listens to you?

Keep posting darling 💕

[HopeLifeJoy]

Also look up the cycle of abuse.

[Hawthorn]

Hi gumshoe,

Welcome and really well done for reaching out. You dont deserve this abuse, and abusers will always turn it around and tell you it’s your fault for being annoying etc. You’re not by the way. They are motivated by control and power.

I would think every woman on this forum can identify with feeling like their abuser is two different people, it’s part of the abuse to keep you trapped. These men turn the niceness and the abuse on and off like a tap. It’s very confusing and serves to make you unsure about what’s happening. They rule the people around them by keeping them in a FOG of Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

This is abuse. Please reach to your local womens aid, they are there for you. Do not confront your father, say nothing. He could be very dangerous if challenged. Dont tell your mother either yet, she will likely be completely brainwashed into telling him everything. Try to reach out to someone you trust outside the family.

We are here for you. You’re very brave. Sending big hugs xx

[Lisa]

Hi Gumshoe6

I just wanted to show you some support. I can see you have already had some support replies.

It is not ok for your father to treat you like this, he is physically and emotionally abusive to you. Getting support from your local women’s aid is a really good idea, you can find your local service here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ You could also think about going to see your GP to get any injuries checked over and to see if they can also offer some support.

Take care and keep posting, we are all here for you.

Lisa

[Jessy123]

Hey,

You are most certainly not alone in this. I’m (detail removed by Moderator) now and spent the entirety of my teen years in a similar cycle of abuse. This behaviour is called gaslighting and the negative impact it has on us as children is far reaching.

I spent my 20s acting out in every way possible because I couldn’t make sense of why I felt so angry and sad all the time. I’ve spent most of my life questioning my own sanity and have no faith in my judgements. I battle with my inner critic who tells me I’m over dramatic and probably imagined the horrors of living with abusive parents.

In my (detail removed by Moderator) however I started talking therapies and that was such a life line. To have a place to discuss all those things my family denied and have someone confirm I’m not “crazy” for seeing the disfunction gave me the ability to breath again and I’m starting to figure out how to trust my own judgements again.

You sound like you know what the truth of the situation is so don’t lose that. Trust in yourself and don’t let anyone make you feel crazy for feeling the disfunction they are trying to hide.

[starqueen]

My father was also my perpetrator and while the abusive behaviour was different, I can relate to what you’ve said. When I was a teenager I used to wish he would leave, or my parents would get divorced. He could be like two different people as well, honestly when he was nice when I was an adult it would make my skin crawl. I really just wanted him to get away from me, or to get away from him myself but because we were “family” it never felt possible until a few years ago. Sometimes I used to feel like I was being difficult if he upset me and like we had to “be friends”.

Contact your local Women’s Aid and get help. You don’t deserve to go through this, you deserve to be safe and in an environment where you’re loved.

[Anonymous]

Yes gumshoe6 I was raised in abuse from both parents and sibling , and both could switch to complete opposite of characters, where my dad had mental health issues, my mam and sibling behaviour was intentional because mam used to show us how she could switch it on and off at will + sibling copied the behaviour so much gaslighting/ denial ( don’t know what’s wrong with her? I haven’t done/said anything to her? Acting all innocent Making up reasons for my upset instead of admitting what they’d done kind of thing) deny deny deny. Caused havoc with my self esteem, had early depression and ptsd really young ⭐️💫⭐️💫

[Author]

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