Not New but back after a long break

[lovelifefreely]

Hi, ive posted some on here before, but i havent in a while, was trying to make a proper go of it, still trying to understand my place in the world and where i fit in my relationship with my partner, it’s hard to know truly whether its worth it or not, whether he’s just a bit of a strong personality that is ultimately trying to help me, and we could have a good life together once ive got my sh*t together. I remember that posting here did sometimes help me, and i though i’d give it another try, i don’t have anyone to talk to and i am hoping this will help me sort through my thoughts.
He’s making me pay about (detail removed by moderator) of my monthly wages to him for money he says i owe him, ive been doing this for (detail removed by moderator) amounts to over £(detail removed by moderator)k, he says i owe him thousands since we met because of money he spent on me buying things for me and food for house and out and that i agreed to it, which yes i can of did but i thought he was taking it out of the housekeeping and it was £(detail removed by moderator) each month kinda thing, then suddenly its thousands! anyway i got over it and just been paying, because it could be true, i was unemployed fo a time and he did support us so… but we had a disagreement regarding a transfer of cash that was supposed to be a gift to him from me, and i wanted to wait until the appropriate day or until he found something he liked, but then he called me threatened me that if i didnt do it as we had previously discussed (which i had misunderstood) i would be paying for my xmas gift he has gotten me, returning something i borrowed from him and paying him more money, always when i get angry or upset and we have an arguement it comes down to him then wanting ‘his’ money all at once, which i dont have of course. but actually he can be so very thoughtful and loving and tolerant of my extreme emotional difficulties on a daily basis, so considerate, a real gentlemen and he wants to help me, show me the world, and he has some. its just a difficult situation, it feels right most of the time and wrong some of the time, and i can’t imagine life without him, and can’t trust myself or my judgement for issues that are long going since childhood. Anyway thanks for letting me ramble on 🙂

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi lovelifefreely
He is financially abusing you.
Getting you to give him (detail removed by moderator)k and at the sound of it continuing to freely cash in of you is called financial abuse.
You’re not saying what you wish to do…or even talking about your concerns? So I’m not sure which kind of advice or support you seek.
My first suggestion would be to start keeping track of your finances, create your own balance sheet, keep a transparent account of your expenses/income/savings etc…
Read up about financial abuse to understand better how he is manipulating you to access your finances.
Hope this helps.
All the best & keep posting

[Beautifulday]

@livelifefreely
Hi there! After reading your post I can say without doubt this is financial abuse! You say you have to pay him money each month for money you owe him? For times he’s taken you out etc? This is something he should want to do without asking you to pay for it if he is treating you. How long do you have to keep paying him? Do you know? I think he is just getting extra money from you making up excuses as to why youu have to give it to him. This is abuse without doubt. You say you don’t have anyone to talk to so I think you may be trauma bonded, I too am trauma bonded. Sometimes when we have nobody to talk to and we spend all our time with them we lose sense of reality what’s right what’s wrong etc, our judgement is clouded. What I found helped me a lot was getting out for long walks in the fresh air, it really helped me to think clearly. Are you able to get out alone? Do you have any family or friends you could possibly get in touch with? Sometimes the opinion of an outsider is what we need to see things properly. I would also recommend keeping a journal best thing I ever did because when you read back through your posts its like stark truth and reality like your seeing your life from a different perspective
Also if you’ve not already done so try to reach out to your local WA they will give you lots of support and advice. Keep posting and let us know how you get on xx

[lovelifefreely]

Hi thank you both for your comments, I haven’t been able to get on here for a while, but really needed to hear the friendly kindness right now, I am either really thick and confused, or I’m having a bad night of abusive behaviour, I’m so scared and like a deer in the headlights, I’m so alone, I just needed a reminder that people can be kind without alterior motives. I just can’t understand why this is happening or if it’s me because I’m not capable of acting normally. I have to sleep next to him now, and he said he might have ‘violent nightmares’ I just needed to share that with someone, just in case, I hope this is all just pretend…thank you listening

[Hawthorn]

Hi @lovelifefreely,

I’m so sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time. The financial abuse you described in your first post…well I could have written it. It mirrors what my ex did to me so closely. I knew it was a bit off but it wasnt until he became physically abusive that I realised I was in an abusive relationship. By that point he had been emotionally, verbally and sexually abusing me for years. It’s only since getting out I realise the extent of it. How the abuse was woven through every aspect of my life.

The confusion was a constant. Was I making it up? Imagining something wrong when there wasnt? He could be so nice at times…could be, not was. The abuse makes us doubt our own reality, keeping us trapped in the relationship. Ruling us with fear. It wasnt until i was asked if I felt safe that I realised how terrified I was. As I started to reply yes, I feel safe, I realised, no. No I dont. And I knew then that I had to escape.

You dont deserve any of this, it is not your fault. Google the cycle of abuse and the power and control wheel. Please try to reach out to your local womens aid, they wont make you do anything but will help you see your situation more clearly. You might like to try the live chat option on the website here either, I found the texting less intimidating when I first reached out. Keep posting here too, you deserve support. You are not alone.

Sending a big hug xx

[KIP.]

Yes sadly it’s financial abuse and I’m sure many other forms of abuse. It’s illegal. Gaslighting. They lie to us which leaves us confused. Threatening you is illegal and is controlling behaviour. Him warning you of violent nightmares sounds like an excuse to assault you. If he does please ring 999 right away. Please ring the national domestic abuse helpline and try to make a safe exit for you from this relationship. Did you ask for him to pay you back for all the money you’ve spent on him? It shouldn’t be like that in a loving relationship. Talk to the domestic abuse police and you local women’s aid.abuse always gets worse so stay safe and if you ever feel scared of him then report him to the police.

[lovelifefreely]

Thank you all for your kind words, it helps, as I am feeling incredibly lost and alone and confused about all the different things that go on in my relationship yet, I still seem to be accepting it, as the norm, or temporary until I can be the person I have said to him that I want to be, which is how he is using these behaviours to help me, it’s so confusing I just go round in circles. I am nnot as ble to seek any further help, this is all I have, and I do get suicidal ideation on a daily basis, but I guess this is normal for the trapped feelings, it just hurts that I gone through lots of stuff in the past, barely lived, and now the person who loves me the most in the world also hurts me the most, it’s ironic really

[KIP.]

This person doesn’t love you. Love doesn’t hurt us deliberately. This person is using you and making you ill. It’s beyond devastating to be abused by someone we love and we think loves us in return. But this is what abusers do. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Google cognitive dissonance. Gas lighting. The cycle of abuse. The power and control wheel.

[lovelifefreely]

Thank you KIP, the thing is he never really hurts me physically, he frightens me as a way to get me to face up to certain fears I have, he says (detail removed by moderator) and he is right. The physical stuff leaves only superficial bruising, and if he really hurts me he will stop or apologize because it wasn’t his intention as all the anger and violence is apparently an act on his part, this just adds to my confusion, because he has a point and it will stop when I’m happier and more grown up. I’ve read and researched a bit but still can’t believe it. And if it’s true I couldn’t go anywhere he wouldn’t find me, so it’s pointless anyway, just fed up of this circle. Thank you for listening it means a lot x

[Author]

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