Not running away anymore

[Ayanna]

In former days I used to get into another relationship when one failed and just brushed over the bad experience and pretended to move on.
I never faced my demons, I kept running away.
Indeed, it is very painful to face up to the abuse that has happened to me since I was a small child and the awful men I fell for.
I was attracted by superficialities. They were beautiful on the outside. But their minds were f****d up.

I stay away from any man.
I focus on myself.
On some days the pain takes over.
The therapy reveals difficult events from the past that I had buried deep in my brain.
The issues with my family dominate again.
I become estranged to my entire family.
My parents were perpetrators.
My siblings are jealous of me.
There is no common ground for me and them.
We are strangers.
Never ever do I want to fall into a position where I forget what my parents have done and defend them. I have done this for too many times.
I will find who I am and until then not one person can come close to me.
I do not want to be distracted.
Life itself is busy and distracting enough and it is easy to loose focus.

[Anonymous]

Hi ayanna

Yes you are doing the right thing
Look after number one and thatsee you.
I know what its like to attract these monsters

No more now .iam working on my vunerabilitys never to let me get used and abused again

People have always been jelous of me
Even some family members .
Ive set my boundaries where family is concerned. Iam sick to death being piggy in the middle enough is enough .iam still in counciling my ex nearly destroyed me .iam much stronger now

I do hope you are ok hun x

[Confused123]

hey hun

im glad your focusing on no1 , u

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Ayanna,

I can relate to what you say, my friends have pointed out that I have always gone out with traditionally ‘good looking men.’ Unfortunately most of them were also vain, arrogant and some were abusive in various levels with my most recent ex being by far most abusive and actually dangerous.

Like you I am also seeking therapy as I know I have some sort of trauma wound from my childhood which has created this pattern. I think I am ‘attracted to’ abusive men because abuse is familiar to me, my brother has always treated me the same way and I just thought it was normal until recently.

It’s good that you are no longer running away and facing your demons. I hope the therapy is healing. Do you have any creative outlets too, like poetry, writing, music, painting? I find it helps get it all out on an even deeper level, somehow it accesses a different part of the brain and helps us to heal.

Well done for staying strong and focusing on your own healing.

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi Ayanna, facing those demons is incredibly difficult and painful. Exhausting too. You are so right about the value of finding you. Having a clear, narrative about what happened to me and why has given me a much firmer sense of self. A self I can believe in. I have relapsed into a state of denial and sympathy for my abuser parents lately and it dramatically affected my mood. I lost all belief in myself. Telling someone about the abuse has woken me up to myself and my truth again. It’s a horrible truth, but it feels real and stable because it makes sense. Way better than the fog of abusers lies. Keep on going, it’s worth the pain, you’ll really like who you are! Xx

[Ayanna]

I am disconnected from my emotions for myself. I was told this would need many years of therapy to sort this out. It has happened in my childhood and was intensified by the abuse in my last marriage.

[Author]

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