not sleeping

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

I think too much, I wake up with an upsetting impression this life is not what the tin said it would be. I think about my kids, my son with his chronic illness, my other child with his own medical issue, my older daughter who is now embarking on full time work after doing so well in her education and my ”little rock” who does so much for me and who will leave soon, leaving me to find out what life will be like without her, I will loose the one person who makes me laugh and who cares for me. It is time for her to embark on a brand new road for her own future.
Each time I wake up, it is like a sad moment envelopes me suddenly. But I find it hard to think any different. The feelings are engulfing 🙁

[Anonymous]

It is good you have one who looks out for you. I think night times are for processing and putting your thoughts away into little boxes. I definitely agree life is not what it says on the tin

I overthink too especially last night someone said they would do to him wat he does to me . I was horrified had a huge row about violence is not acceptable no matter who it is. I also had to say it was a mistake that we had gone to MARAC. Then spent the rest of the night wondering how many other good samaritans are going to crawl out the woodwork now the info is out there and worrying x

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

Hi Dramaqueen, my case went to MARAC too because of the number of times I rang the police, that was my dv worker who told me.
I stopped ringing them, and also wondered what he would do if he found out. It was out of my hands as it was their protocol. At least you know they do their job and people are keeping an eye on you. My number was also flagged up. I just felt it’s too much, I am causing it all. So I report nothing now.
He knocked me sideways as I went downstairs and he went in the opposite direction. To me it’s nothing but I was shocked nevertheless. I called no one. It would be his words against mine. But he is capable of physical abuse. I know it and still I don’t go.
I wake often almost like in a panic. I panic over the total lack of feeling fulfilled, generally happy, being able to build good memories, none of that happens, then this silent treatment and the rare and manipulated offers of help, like crumbs to a bird…always to submit me to an attitude he wants, me being nice and in full acceptance of him and how he is.
I read some very old letters of his and it is shocking that even at an early stage he demanded I changed and accepted what he did or said, passing the buck all the time, thank god I kept my integrity, but I learned to normalize his attitude. I now know that.
What will happen re Marac for you now? I don’t know your circumstances but from I read it seems very upsetting…i hope you manage to find some peace.
I think my husband is back tonight, we had a few days of bliss without him. Back to normal maybe tonight. 🙁

[Anonymous]

Hi,

I am not sure why we were referred to MARAC. Technically speaking I know it is because of risk but they should not know because I am really careful about what I disclose to anyone. I am the same as you I won’t ring the police anymore and I won’t ask for help even if he does something that I could do with offloading. I know to watch my back with him so I never let my guard down. I don’t trust anyone else to keep me safe because something would go wrong and they would wind him up and he will finish us both off because as he says he is not going to prison. A lot of the time he is fine he just likes to talk about stuff like that however past experience has taught me to never discount what he says. I doubt anything will happen with the MARAC, they sent some woman out who had a go at me about him and I told her to go away not very politely. Other than that there was nothing else to be done assessments are completed and closed so hopefully that will be the last MARAC we end up at.

Someone said to me if you start to change when you are living with someone you know that you are most probably living with an abuser. She was right, I have changed massively. So i can totally relate to all you have said about your husband. It is like being a puppet on a string when they are nice you want to keep them that way and when they are nasty you tiptoe round. You have to normalise it or you would lose the plot. How was he when he got home? How are things for you now? x

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

Hi Dramaqueen, he came back and something serious had happened concerning my two boys, I asked him to get involved to make sure they learn respect. He hasn’t, instead he has now taken them both out…typical. Even my daughter made a comment tonight ”those boys always get what they want from him”.
Still not one word to me and last night he dared say ”You always stir the sh.t” followed by ”I now have nowhere to go” meaning he can’t escape me, so it seems.
I now ignore, I have no other choice but I will report what happened to the male role model who comes to speak to my younger son. My older daughter also went bolistic and violent at me but she broke x which fell on my other daughter later today as we didn’t know it was broken, it fell on her head and it is very heavy…an accident waiting to arrive due to her violent actions on the item she took her anger on. She had not told me she had dislodged this item and had kept quiet. My younger daughter could have been seriously hurt.
But I had fun today with my younger daughter and she achieved a lot again, she helped me and I worked with her, it was delightful. We spoke about my work and when she goes to x. She has another thing to look forward to and she is so happy about it.
I am so lucky to have her. She kept me up during my darkest days last year.

[Serenity]

Think of what a wonderful grandmother you will be.

Your little birds are getting ready to flee the nest – we are there to give them wings so they can fly. They will love us for giving them that freedom.

As Kahlil Gibran says: children are but arrows. We know not where they will land.

I think our kids will love us for allowing them to go in their own direction. As they get older, I will try to be the kind of parent who gives advice if they are asked for it.

I know what you mean, life hasn’t turned out to be what it said on the tin. But maybe there are still beautiful things in store. I am sure there are. X

[Author]

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