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    • #80502

      Hi there

      Hope you are all well today?

      I’m not sure I’m in an abusive relationship my husband is not responsible, very distant he doesn’t give any support regarding our 3 kids he’s controlling with money because I only have a p/t job he puts so much on me that I have to deal with I’m exhausted he withholds money and expects me to ask for money all the time he likes a drink so he’s always so laid back. He told me once he can kill me with one punch because he’s a martial arts expert. Not sure why he said that he took the fuse out of the dryer so I couldn’t dry our clothes on a wet day because he doesn’t like the dryer and prefers I hang the washing up on the heating

      He doesn’t look after the kids if I have an errand to run.

      He tried to push me down the stairs when we were fighting and tried to break my leg in the door a very very long time ago when he wanted me to get out!

      I’ve been with him since (detail removed by moderator) married since (detail removed by moderator) I stopped wearing my wedding rings in (detail removed by moderator). If I could I’d leave today but I have no where to go 😔

    • #80514

      Hello Funmum

      It’s good to hear from you.

      I read your post and it put me in mind of some aspects of the abusive relationship I am in. Firstly to say that I have had Women’s Aid, Relate and the police all confirm that my partner is abusive even though he has not physically assaulted me and has never threatened to do so.

      But your comment about the dryer reminded me of my perp who has control of the house heating as it’s digital – he keeps ‘forgetting’ to give me the log in details or has forgotten them when I ask or is just too darn busy. Even though he has control of the heating on the cloud he also goes around the house turning down the thermostats so even when it is on it’s not warm enough for me. He did the same when we had normal radiator heating. He works from home in a cosy little office but I constantly battle to stay warm with him wandering around turning the heating down. This is an example of controlling behaviour and mirrors your dryer example. In your case he wants to make more work for you as well as show you who is top dog.

      On its own this might not be viewed by some people as anything more sinister than being b****y annoying but if you then add in the other behaviours you mentioned then it does become a whole lot more worrying.

      Your partner has assaulted you on two occasions – the police would take an interest in this I suspect. He has also threatened to kill you – they would definitely take an interest in that too. Like many abusers he is controlling your money and access to funds and making you ask for money – mine does that – this is economic abuse and the police are currently looking into that for me. Your partner is also dumping all of the childcare onto you – this is exploitation and designed to let you know who is top dog as he is clearly see’s himself as too important to help out even though they are equally his responsibility. Your partner like mine is creating inequality so he can exploit you and keep you under the thumb and keep deriving the benefits only he can enjoy, like time and money to have a drink, no responsibility for children, feeling really important etc.

      So yes you are right he IS abusive. I am very worried that he has already assaulted you and threatened you – these are real red flags in terms of risk. I think you need to call Women’s Aid and ask for help if you are able. I know that probably sounds daunting but you have already taken the first step and I applaud you for having the courage to do that.

      It took me ages to call the Women’s Aid national helpline but I am really glad I did as they were so helpful and affirming. I now know that I can call them again as and when I need to and I have a caller id so they know my story without having to repeat it each time. I also have copies of emails I sent to them before I was able to call – this is helpful in documenting things even if they can’t give you as much advice.

      You could also call the police on 101 and ask specifically to speak with a domestic abuse officer. I know that will also sound really, really scary – the thought of having he police involved really worried the heck out of me and I had not intended to get them involved as I didn’t think I was ready. I was really worried about them crashing in like the Sweeney and questioning him then leaving me to pick up the pieces. But they have not been like that at all, really softly, softly in approach and quietly gathering evidence. I have been lucky with the police I am working with – I know not everyone is – but I am actually really glad they are now in the picture. Going forwards I know it will be really helpful to have all of the evidence documented with them. I am also about to go to my GP – another thing have balked at doing but again I need to document how I am feeling after years of dealing with this and for the GP to make an assessment to go on my file.

      So basically I have not been assaulted or verbally threatened but the police were keen to get involved and have said that he is very abusive. They are looking at the Coercive Control Law so you may want to look that up.

      Do you feel scared? Since December 2015 have there been two or more occasions that you have feared for your safety? Is there a pattern of ongoing behaviour that has resulted in you changing your behaviour ie not seeing friends, unable to speak freely because you worry you might ‘set him off’, unable to use the car or leave the home some or all of the tim, rules that only apply to you and not him or rules that he changes at whim…things like that? These are all sign of abuse too.

      Start keeping a diary not just of frightening incidents but also examples of controlling behaviour like the dryer, having to ask for money etc. Don’t forget to put times, dates and places on the entries. If you have copies of bank statements showing his income and expenditure compared to yours copy/photo these and any other financial stuff you can get hold of.

      I suspect from what you’ve said that there could be even more examples? It can be really hard to see the wood for the tree’s and that’s part of the abusers method – to keep you guessing and wondering. I really would try and read some Lundy Bancroft – you can get the books on Amazon – I knew quite a bit having read a lot around what abuse was but it wasn’t until I read Bancroft that I knew exactly what I was dealing with.

      So juts to summarise you ARE dealing with an abuser and you’ve done really brilliantly to post.

    • #80898

      Hi mojo
      Thank you so much for ur reply I’ve taken long to respond because it was hard to digest what u said even though u know it’s happening

      Where can a woman go with 3 kids and no family

    • #80900

      Find your local women’s aid. You could go into a refuge or you could speak to a solicitor about an exclusion order which could remove him from the family home because of his abusive behaviour. Ring the helpline number on here for more advice and go find your local women’s aid for more advice about local housing which have a duty to rehome victims of domestic abuse. Rights of women have a good website and free telephone line for legal advice. Find out what your rights are with a local family solicitor. Most offer free initial advice but do not tell him of your plans x keep posting.

    • #80901

      Your situation sounds terrible and terrifying. Please call the police on 101 and ask for the domestic violence unit as well as Women’s Aid. As far as you can, save any money if possible. He is gaslighting you as well. He isn’t going to change.

      You will get out. At the beginning things seem impossible especially when lives are so intertwined and you have children together. You are so right that it’s hard to digest. It’s a big thing to understand domestic abuse, and for so long we shove it under the carpet. It becomes our normal.

    • #81195

      Hi Kip and Maddog
      Thank u for ur messages 😖 u make it feel real it’s always easy too push it under the carpet but I’m so unhappy I don’t love him anymore I just want to start a new life away from him without him with no restrictions I feel claustrophobic in this relationship and I want to be free of being controlled.
      I’ll seek help thank u ladies I really appreciate it x

      I’ll keep posting x

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