Not sure how bad it is..

[Sogo1234]

Hello,

I’m not sure if what’s happening is abuse.. he has apologised since the last argument and said he didn’t mean anything.

My boyfriend and I had a really bad argument the other night. I was worried about (detail removed by moderator) and voiced this and he said “you’re (detail removed by moderator)” in a rude way which upset me, I asked for an apology and he laughed and said “(detail removed by moderator)”. He was then being condescending towards me and I got upset and asked why he is being so mean. Then the insults started… The crazy, insane, psycho, delusional, he doesn’t like me, he can’t be f*d with me, I’m too much, I push him to his limits etc etc. I got so upset and admittedly said some horrible things like “this is textbook abusive behaviour”, “you’re being abusive”, “this is not okay how you speak to me, you don’t speak like that to someone you love”, “why are you with me then?”. He gets so angry when I say don’t be with me or why are you with me then and then will use that as an excuse as to why he gets so mean and says what he says is warranted cuz I said that (but I don’t just say it out the blue, he will say something nasty before hand).

I got so angry and upset and wanted to leave him that night, I wish I could hold onto that anger but it doesn’t last and then I just get sad and heartbroken. He decided he didn’t want to argue anymore so said “(detail removed by moderator) so let’s talk tomorrow” so I went to bed. When we spoke about it the next day and I wanted to discuss the fact it shouldn’t have been an argument in the first place and he was being mean over me caring about (detail removed by moderator) which is so unfair and I mentioned the events following that he said that’s not what happened, we’re not going to agree on the version of events and he doesn’t believe me.. he also blamed the argument on us both having some stuff going on (he said he has a short fuse cuz of (detail removed by moderator) and me because of the side effects of some meds I am on).

He said “(detail removed by moderator) I always apologise after every argument.” This is a lie as recently he was calling me a lot of names (mostly crazy, psycho, delusional, too much, the usual insults..) and when I tried to speak about this calmly to him he said he won’t apologise and he meant it and I just have to get over it. I just let it go in the end to keep the peace.

Other things he has said to me recently is that I haven’t done enough in relation to his (detail removed by moderator), and he throws this at me aggressively like “(detail removed by moderator)” and will use that as an excuse for him being nasty. It hurts me so much that he thinks I’ve not done enough. I’ve really tried to be there and it’s so hurtful.

I don’t feel like myself anymore. I know this is making me ill too..I have an autoimmune disease that can be triggered by stress and I’m so scared it’s coming back because of all of this. My depression is getting bad again too so I’m not looking after myself the way I should be and taking all of my medicines and vitamins (I’m taking the essential medication though) but I just have no energy and feel deflated. I don’t know what to do. I know I can’t keep dealing with this but when he apologises and says it was both of us etc I start to question how bad it was/is. I feel like I would be so much happier not with him but the thought of leaving him, making that choice, taking that first step and the steps that will come after it.. I just don’t feel strong enough to do it.. and I still love him.

Any advice or comments are appreciated. Thank you

[Sogo1234]

Sorry to add..I just can’t believe I’ve let myself down so much and stayed. I wish I was stronger and left a long time ago. When we were first together and out at an event he got angry at me for bringing up that how he spoke to a woman made me uncomfortable (he was flirting and being really touchy with her). Then he yelled at me in front of everyone. I wish I’d had the strength to leave then. Things were fine for nearly a year but now the past 2 months they have been so bad and I just feel so drained and sad and like I’m betraying myself.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi sogo1234, I can hear your sadness and want to send you a warm virtual hug 🫂

I am so sorry that your partner is speaking to you in such an abusive way. For to him to reaffirm that he meant what he said must be heartbreaking for you…

You say your relationship was fine for a year (so he does know how to behave when he wants) yet he was flirting with another woman and yelled at you when you said how that made you feel… that just have been a shock and humiliating, that is all him and not your fault at all. He yelled to let you know that he is in charge and a bully. Sometimes these men scare us enough with their words, gestures, threats and do not need to use their fists..sometimes it escalates to physical violence.

He doesn’t believe your version of events is him gaslighting you, it is designed so as you doubt your own mind and wears down mental health.

Yes it is abuse. Living with the Dominater by Pat Craven is a good book to start with and Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Educate yourself on abuse. It isn’t your fault and you do not deserve to be spoken or treated this way.

Keeping a journal can help, it shows patterns. There is never an excuse for abuse and abusers will blame anyone else rather than accept any responsibility.

Keep posting ❤️
HFH

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